Do you plan on telling/warning your kid(s) about toxic in law?

Exactly what does she do ?

I wouldn't. Although you may not not like her, i see it as not being fair to the person and influencing your kids one way or the other towards them. It is a delicate situation, but one example I can think of doing on the process of them seeing them later in life is when grandma promises to be at something consistently, and consistently doesn't show up, and they are asking why, just be there for your kid and redirect them to notice all who did show up for them. All the ones who really care for them.

Absolutely. My daughter is only five right now and hasn't really asked a lot of questions, but the few times she has, I've been honest with her about how my in-laws just aren't very nice people sometimes. I've always stressed that it's not her fault and that she has plenty of people who will always be there for her.

I think it’s good for children to form their own opinions about family members. Just because they treat one person one way doesn’t necessarily mean they will treat the next person that way. what you might see of her doesn’t mean she can’t be a awesome grandma to your kid and if she treats him the way she treats you then he will be able to see it for himself instead of already having an opinion based on what other people are telling him.

I won’t. My child relationship with my in laws will evolve and if they are toxic to my son, he will see that. If they are toxic to me, but not my son, I support him having an independent relationship with them. There’s never anything wrong with multiple people loving a child. I trust that my son will be smart to recognize manipulative behavior in time. It’s not my job to paint a bad image for him.

If she truly is a narcissist, I wouldn't let my child anywhere near her 🤷🏻‍♀️ narcissists are extremely manipulative people and no one deserves to endure the pain of having a relationship with one if it can be avoided.

As the grandchild of an unhealthy/toxic grandparent, I can give a different perspective.

My mum didn't stop us kids from having a relationship with them, as she didn't want us to resent her for it if she did.
I appreciated that as it meant I got to form my own opinion and realise what they were like for myself rather than just hearing from my Mum and wondering what if..

As hard as that may be as you want to protect your child, it will mean in the long run they can form their own opinion and choose whether to have a relationship with her or not (I've chosen not to and have seen them once in the last 10 years).

Hope that helps you make a decision!

As hard as that may be, especially as you want to protect your child,

not toxic but watched my grandma continually choose to pay attention to certain grandkids over others. My mom is one of 6 so my grandma has a lot of grandchildren, great grandchildren, and a couple great great grandchildren. She started choosing one particular family unit to focus on and give her energy towards, and by that time I was getting older and noticing. My mom never spoke bad of her around me, and she would just be there for me if and when she didn't show up like she said she would. It hurt so much for me but it wasn't something my mom could ever protect me from. I needed to form ways to protect myself.
And unfortunately I'm seeing the same pattern emerge with my in laws towards my child already. But apparently I'm to blame for that one. 🤦‍♀️

similar to my grandad!
My grandparents split up when my mum was young and he then met someone else and would always favour her grandkids over his own.
My mum never spoke badly of him even when he deserved it!
As I got older, I noticed it and realised that if he chose to be like that then I wouldn't bother with him.
You're not to blame at all!
If grandparents cba to make the effort with their grandchild/grandchildren, then that's on them!

similar to my grandad!
My grandparents split up when my mum was young and he then met someone else and would always favour her grandkids over his own.
My mum never spoke badly of him even when he deserved it!
As I got older, I noticed it and realised that if he chose to be like that then I wouldn't bother with him.
You're not to blame at all!
If grandparents cba to make the effort with their grandchild/grandchildren, then that's on them!

oh for sure! I know I'm not too blame. That's just how they see it. Apparently my "strict boundaries" (not kissing my kid, not feeding my kid without me knowing, not sharing your water bottle with her) pushes them away from having a bond with her because they're afraid they'll mess up 🤦‍♀️ like I can't help how you feel about following 3 rules to respect me as a parent. To me it just feels like they just want to blatantly disrespect me.

Wtf!
You're her mum so if they can't respect your boundaries, that's completely their issue. As for pushing away the bond, they're doing that not you, I swear some people are delusional as hell 🙈

am I her mom though? Last night I started feeling like I wasn't when the hubs told me I basically should just let them do whatever because it "isn't worth the fight" 🤦‍♀️ but yeah. I don't GAF if they feel that way. I know it's not on me.

My husband is like that when it comes to his Mum too, however, I think if one parent isn't happy with how others are towards their child, they both need to take a united front on it otherwise it will continue and get worse..

I'd just say to your husband if he doesn't want the fight, then he can discuss it with them as they may listen to him if they realise it's annoying him as well x