found out my husband was watching porn when i was newly pp
to start our child is almost 2. he was having issues with his phone and asked me to help. i did, and while i was on it i saw he had reddit. he had told me he deleted reddit a few weeks prior to me even finding out i was pregnant. it wasn't even any reason he said he just didn't have the space on his phone anymore. okay whatever.
i opened up the reddit app because i was wondering what he was doing/when he redownloaded it. i open it up to find out its just a bunch of porn. mainly cartoon/anime porn. but also asian girl porn.
i'm so fucking hurt and i confronted him and asked when he started this. he told me he stopped when baby was 6 months old and started it a little after she was born. i asked when tf he even had time to be looking at porn when i barely had time to feed myself. i had such a rough time post partum up to about 8 months post partum. i had anxiety, depression, rage, i was distraught over our daughters medical issues, i was handling everything myself because he was working all day. i was alone and listening to our child screaming in pain while everyone else was telling me she was "fine" when she wasn't. i barely had time to shower, to feed myself, to take care of my damn self and he found the time to watch porn for an hour?
he got upset and said he felt really bad about it and he thought it would be "one time" and he'd be done. but he had an issue with porn as a teenager (which i don't knock him for) he knows he has an addictive personality type so why would he even think he could do it once and be done? that's like a heroin addict who says they'll shoot up one time and be done.
i'm mostly hurt because im a white woman. i'm a fat white woman. he's looking at cute chubby asian girls. he's looking at curvy anime bullshit with unrealistic body proportions. im also especially hurt because he was doing this during a really hard time in my life when i needed the support. instead of supporting me he'd wait until me and the baby fell asleep (which was barely ever, it took hours to get baby down at that age) and go off to the bathroom for an hour+ to jack off.
i feel disgusted in myself because i feel like i was being used as a freaking hole. he assures me it wasn't like that and he finds me incredibly attractive, and it was his way of dealing with the stress. that still doesn't justify to me him not being supportive to me the way he should've been. and im also so pissed because from 6 months and on he really has improved in his support and love and showing me it in ways other than sex. he's really gotten so much better from the 6 month point, and looking back it's because he stopped watching porn?
he told me he realised he wasn't being who he should've been and he wasn't being the partner and father he should've been and he was disgusted with himself and that's why he stopped. but idk since i found out a few days ago any time i have a few quiet minutes i find myself thinking about it and feeling sick. anytime we've laughed together or i've felt love for him in the days since i found out the images of me scrolling his reddit come into my mind and i want to cry and throw up.
i also feel bad because so many people watch porn. i do from time to time (the once quarterly when i have the time), so i don't want to hate him for watching porn. but at the same time im not looking up 12inch BBC. i'm not looking for guys that are complete opposites of him. and usually if im looking at porn its not really visual porn its usually audios. it hurts me more that he was not only doing it during the most vulnerable, hardest part of my life, but he was also looking at girls who look nothing like me.
idk tell me im overreacting. i wouldn't care if it was 6 months ago when we werent having any huge stressors we just werent really having sex. but right after i gave birth to his fucking baby? right during the worst part of my life? i have trauma from that time that im still unpacking in therapy. its just, i cant wrap head around any of this and need some outside input to really work through this. i don't want to leave him because i do genuinely love him, but i cant think about him or being in love with him without my own brain reminding me of the fucking porn.
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I have to say, I know exactly what you’re going through. I went through the same thing with my husband when I first moved into his house and was depressed from leaving my family. I found out and it all clicked and made sense. It took probably six years for me to be able to think about it and not feel my heart exploded my chest and starts sobbing. It still breaks my heart. I still get really upset, thinking about it and it does make it hard to let yourself be happy and feel in love when you know that that happened, but you need to just lay it down and say this is inappropriate because you’re doing it every night when I go to bed and you are not being the man that I deserve for our child deserves as a father and if he can’t stop, then you need to be prepared to talk about separation and he should probably go to Therapy for his porn addiction
I’m so sorry. You’re not overreacting and having been in your position recently as far as postpartum and the mental journey I understand where you’re coming from 100%. I can also imagine where he was coming from. I feel like there’s so much more to this story not that you’re leaving anything out, but that would help an outside source to dive deeper. It just sounds like there needs to be a little bit more open communication even around the difficult topics. It sounds like there’s a lot of love and support in your marriage so I wouldn’t focus and dwell on the negatives instead talk about them and work on them together. I hope this helps even a little bit and you can work through your feelings and thoughts to overcome this. 💛
there is definitely a lot of support and after the initial hurt wore off and i thought more by myself i approached him differently and we talked about it. he deleted the account and i said if he ever felt in the mood if he would just try and ask me first and then we can talk and go from there. we did have a really good and constructive conversation about sex and our needs and feelings today. it worked out well i think and i want to move past it and not let it affect the future. it was in the past and i don't want to let the past affect how we grow together and separately within our relationship. i appreciate your support and thoughts and it was definitely very helpful for me.
🥰🥹🤗
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