Am I crazy, self sabotaging, or valid?

Hello, thanks for sharing. This sounds very familiar. I think the guy is not worth it. I think you are too good of a lady and should not stand by waiting for him to change his bad behaviors for much longer. You should talk honestly with him and tell him that you feel that he does not prioritize you and that you have asked him to change and he does not do it. I think he does not love you the way he should. So he treats you as a standby option wife. I would end it and date someone who is actually serious.

Your last sentence, Have you expressed this to him? The fact that you’re considering separation and why? If not, please do as that may result in a change in behaviour.

What helped me put thing in perspective- especially since you have 2 girls- I have 1 girl- is I wanted to set an example for my girl. I did not want her growing up thinking the shitty relationship I was in would be good enough for her. If she was being treated the way I was being treated I would not want her to stay in the relationship. So I left so that I could show my daughter the what she should find in a happy relationship by being a good role model for her. Also I am way happier and less stressed not being in a shitty relationship. My kids deserved to have a happy mom. Not one who was miserable in a shitty relationship.

I would have another serious conversation with him and suggest therapy for couples, if nothing changes then I would leave, but at least you know you tried everything before.

I’ve given ultimatums I’ve left in the past before we had kids and he promised to change showed signs of improving and then a week after I went back to him started doing a lot of it again. And I am no where near a perfect person I’m sure there are needs he would say I’m not meeting as well. And in this society we normalize looking for someone better. But honestly no one is perfect. To me the one thing I never want to do is split our family. I still struggle from things I went through during my parents divorce. How am I any better if I do the same thing to my girls. And it would be a nasty divorce his parents are petty and vindictive and he can be the same. I’ve thought of all of this I honestly can’t figure out which would be worse.

I mean unfortunately men like this won’t ever get better because he probably is banking on your trauma keeping you in the marriage. I understand your trauma was hard but you can put the kids through therapy. You can be the kids rock. It doesn’t have to be like your parents divorce. Just don’t let your past/trauma keeping you from finding your peace.

I’m not for divorce unless there is abuse or cheating
I think marriage is hard in general and you should fight for your family.

Not many men will do things without being told lol unfortunately
If they do they’ve been trained very well
It takes time
They have a one track mind

You also don’t know what’s bothering him
Or if he has his own struggles his not sharing

I was in this space last year
And we went to therapy and I found out a lot about my husband and his love language and how I can show up for him and how he can show up for me

We teach people how to love us
Communicate what you want
And ask him what does he expect from you
Because sometimes we’re doing things for a person and it’s not even what they want from us 🤷🏽‍♀️

I would maybe try to get back to things that made you happy and the both of you happy before the kids. Find yourself and look into a couple counselors. Alot of times things really change after kids come into the picture. Does staying at home bore you? Would you be open to working? Would you consider part time work? Just start asking yourself what do you need to get back to you and have a open conversation with your hubs. Best of luck to you both.

Is marital counseling/therapy on the table?