Am I the asshole?

No, you’re not the asshole. People need to stop thinking we need to cater our babies for them. The baby has a schedule and babies sleep a lot. The asshole is your mil for thinking the baby needs to do anything differently for her. Also your fiancé is also the asshole for not realizing that and keep feeding this unreasonable expectation of him mom. When people come to visit a baby, specially a Nb, they shouldn’t expect to hold the baby, they should expect to help out the parents, specially the grandparents.

NTA. You need a serious talk to your fiance and there has to be boundaries set. That lady just coming over and inviting herself is wiiiilllld to me.

You aren’t the ahole. She shouldn’t be showing up unannounced, trying to change baby’s routine, or shit talking you to/around your child.
You need to have a serous talk with your fiancée about his mother’s entitled attitude. If it’s not nipped in the bud now it’s only going to get worse

Ugh I feel your pain! You are not alone! This is exactly how my MIL is, I can’t stand when I’ll say “she’s tired and needs to sleep that’s why she’s crying” and she will talk to my baby and say “no, she just wants grandma” like umm no she doesn’t, she’s overtired and overstimulated! & I had to set boundaries with my man to tell her that she can’t just come over whenever she wants to, that helped a lot. She was definitely mad about it saying “I didn’t know grandma’s were visitors” but oh well she got over it, if you wanna see your grandbaby it’s on my time not yours! Hang in there! I know it’s mentally a lot to add in when dealing with postpartum & a newborn 😭 sending good vibes mama! 🫶🏻

i’m so sorry you’re going thru this. set clear boundaries and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and your baby. you’re now the biggest advocate and if your baby could speak it’ll probably say “leave me alone im tired and want to eat” tell that crazy lady to leave. cut ties if it gets too much/far, and in case she’s crazy there’s always courts to establish visitation rules (hopefully it def doesn’t get that far, i always am prepared for the worse)

You need to set boundaries now with your fiance about his mother because it will get worse. speaking from experience

The baby is the priority, and you're next after her right now because she *needs you*

Your fiance putting his mother's wants over both of you (especially a fussy baby who needs to eat and sleep??) is weird as hell.

Boundaries are needed. WILD behavior.

She shouldn’t be making passive aggressive remarks like that. She shouldn’t be calling anything you’re doing gross. She shouldn’t expect to be able to come over whenever she wants. Your fiancée should be mad at her for all the bs. lol.

I’ve realized with having kids that it’s YOU who sets the boundaries & says what goes. Never feel underestimated or depreciate yourself because of someone else’s feelings in this matter. You know your baby best! Feeling like an asshole is understandable because as mamas were so used to wanting to make others happy but girl, just focus on that beautiful baby of yours & their needs. You don’t owe anyone ANYTHING! You got this🥰

Nta. I am a terror and both of my kids when anyone other than mom or dad say "they just want (blank)" I had them over. Not to appease anyone, but so they can get that the screaming won't stop. Both of my kids are really "fussy" kids. They're screamers. My MIL is luckily pretty chill. the issues we've had related more to kissing the baby and the "my baby" thing. I freaked out about kissing the baby before 2 months. I still don't like it but girl was 4 weeks early. She doesn't need kisses.

You’re not the AH. Babies are not toys . Your MIL is an AH to put her needs before the baby’s.

I keep saying I wish there was a class before baby called “setting boundaries with family”

We loved labor class and all but, nothing prepares you for the crazy that is family after baby. I found myself in a crazy funk so I went to therapy and it has helped so much. It’s hard to tell your partner, “hey your family is driving me nuts” in a kind way. And sometimes it’s a super hard pill to swallow when it’s your own family.

My therapist also said it’s hard for the people around you to grasp that you’re a mother now. Your values and morals are all the same, your role just transitions. You are still a daughter and wife and friend, you are just now also a mother. So that affects those roles and it’s hard for people to comprehend.