Step daughter not wanting to come over

As in my husband won’t even wanna go out to dinner . Including fast food . Won’t wanna do anything as a family (we have a daughter together) . Won’t wanna go mini golfing or bowling so not even a trip or anything “super fun” but husband expects us to stop living our life because of the depression it puts him in . Then when I try and voice this , he says I don’t love step daughter and such

How old is your step daughter? To me she sounds entitled and spoiled. She only wants to see you when something fun is planned? So other than that you guys are what? Chopped liver? Why isn’t her mother making it a priority for her to spend time with her family?
There should be a visitation agreement. And to help with your husband’s feelings (whether I agree with this or not, I feel like it’s somewhat enabling to step daughter) but maybe money can be put aside every month to do something fun as a family when she does come. That can give him something to look forward to. He can not spite one child for the other, that would enrage me. He’s a father to both. He has to act like it.

she is 13 . And I agree but her mom literally doesn’t care . She’ll make trips with or without step daughter whenever even if it’s our time then make it seem like it’s our fault .

Not to sound harsh here, and please don’t think I’m trying to be. But it’s time for you to put your foot down. Your husband needs to shit or get off the pot. Get a visitation order in place or stop crying about it. It’s not fair to you and his other child.
You need to think - 5 more years until she’s 18 and then the decision is ultimately up to her which it sounds like it is already. So are you willing to deal with this until she realizes there’s more to life than “doing fun things?”

Also- I have a 14 year old. And sometimes you just gotta lay it out frank for them. They are in their own world and get away with what they are allowed to.
“It’s extremely rude and selfish of you to only want to spend time with us when we are doing something that benefits you. Not only does that hurt us especially your father but it’s also not fair to anyone else but you when we have to wait for you to do something as a family. We would love for you to be a part of this family and we hope your actions going forward prove you want this as much as we do but we will no longer wait around for you to decide when you want to spend time with us.”

Uh you definitely shouldnt have to stop doing fun stuff because she's not around especially considering she doesn't really wanna come anyway

there’s already a court order . And then they switch the schedule which is whatever to me because I feel like that should be up to the bio parents to negotiate . What annoys me is that sd and husband will then expect me and daughter to just live with their decisions . I feel like I should be able to live my life with my daughter and if they wanna be apart of it cool if not then it’s not my fault . It’s constantly an argument in the house because husband and his family think I’m being selfish and inconsiderate . They say that sd doesn’t have to live life with two parents who aren’t together and that’s not her fault , which is true but my daughter also should’ve have to reap the consequences of a situation that SHOULD NOT affect her child hood . I feel like I’m going crazy trying to justify advocating for my daughter ..

completely agree .

I totally agree with you. The only thing I can say is if ur husband doesn’t want to hold his ex accountable on that court order then you really need to sit back and think if this what you want for your kid’s childhood. Like I said he’s spiting one child for the other and it’s complete bs.
Personally, I couldn’t deal with that nonsense. “Im going to sit here and sulk and make everyone else miserable instead of doing something about it” is a mentality I have zero patience for. I would leave. But if that’s not an option for you, then just continue being a constant in your child’s life and do things without any of them! 🩷

Before I read the comments I was going to say ‘can you plan and invite SD even when it’s not meant to be your time’ so then the option was hers whether she came or not, but if you have a court order then obvs difficult.

If it’s only once a month she comes then why does she know all the ‘fun’ stuff you get upto when she’s not there?? Don’t tell her. She doesn’t need to know.

The fact it is only once a month, can you specifically plan a nice family day out that day anyways, yes I know it shouldn’t be expected in order for her to visit her dad, you and her sibling. But that would just be nice to do anyways no?

Your husband however needs to grow up. As you say he’s now affecting your child’s upbringing and that’s not fair. Start doing stuff just you two. I would. If he wants to come sure if not then he can sit in his misery.

Definitely sounds spoilt. She can't pick and chose just because you're doing something.
I would continue doing stuff without her otherwise she is controlling the situation and that isn't fair on your family. You can't put your lives on hold.

You are not being selfish or inconsiderate. Why would you let a 13 year old be in control?

im constantly putting up a fight or trying to give my pov but then it’s hard when my husband only sees his side . Then it’s hard when I don’t have any friends who are in blended families so then idk if I’m being unrealistic when the majority of people are telling me I’m the issue . I guess I just needed the reassurance that I’m not crazy

The mom is doing this as a control thing. Don’t blame the step daughter for not wanting to miss out on fun with mom. Mom wants to control your time so she plans something in hopes step daughter will want to stay with her. My husbands ex wife used to do this all the time. She would make the kids feel bad if they missed something she planned to see us on our court appointed time.

how did you guys handle it ?

One day at a time. If they want to do something with mom we ask to have the next weekend. And everything is in text so we have a paper trail. I’m glad my kids are finally seeing their moms games but at first it was hard. Make the most of the time you have with her too. “Fun” doesn’t have to be going somewhere. You can always set up a projector and do a backyard movie party.

My step son 15 almost 16 is like this. I finally told my husband I was done with it. If he doesn’t come around he is NOT to come around for trips and other things as well. We have consequences to our actions and choices and if he chooses not to be a normal part of our family then he won’t come to family things. And I stand strong on that.