Am I in the wrong?

Tonight, I made my 3yo a nice, well-balanced dinner. The moment I placed it on the table in front of her, she explodes into a tantrum because she instead wants oatmeal. I try to get her to eat a little of the food, and I say she can have oatmeal when she eats a little of the food in front of her. More tears and yelling ensue, and after about 10 minutes, she calms down and we have a conversation about what she wants to eat instead. I get up to make her some oatmeal, and my husband gets annoyed and is against it. When I ask him why, he says it's because I'm rewarding her behavior. I tell him, "no I'm not. She's a toddler who's going to have the occasional tantrum. She's super tired and she's hungry because she had a long ass night last night. Food is not a reward, nor is it a punishment. It's sustenance. Do you want her to go to bed hungry? I'm not going to force her to eat something she doesn't want to eat. No one forces you to eat something when you say you don't want it, so why do you want to do the same to a toddler?" For context, she had anaphylaxis last night and we didn't get home until 2am. I also mentioned that oatmeal could be all she wants rn because her tummy could hurt or that's all she can handle and that I'm tired of adults trying to hold children to standards they don't even hold other adults to.

I know this is a long post, so thanks for reading if you made it to the end. What are your thoughts on this? Am I in the wrong?

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I think it all depends on overall habits 🤷🏻‍♀️ If she’s in the habit of eating what you put in front of her, occasionally making her own meal is fine imo. If she has frequent tantrums or demands to eat what she wants habitually, then it might be worth setting boundaries and expectations. “We eat whatever’s for dinner… Oatmeal’s not on the menu for dinner today, silly goose! Mama didn’t make any. Maybe you could have some tomorrow!”
Alternatively you could go the route of “I know you want oatmeal. It’s super sad that mama didn’t make any. Maybe you could have an apple or blueberries if you finish your carrots!” (Still maintains YOUR control, while also offering them an out.)

I feel like it’s all about what you said, discerning whether they’re just exerting dominance or if there’s an underlying issue like a stomach ache.

You’re absolutely not in the wrong! You did the right thing, you tried to get her to eat it, you got her to calm down and had a conversation with her and then made the alternative.As you said, no one forces an adult to eat things that they do not want to, why do we force a child? Obviously this has limitations, do not let a child eat chocolate 24/7 but make an effort to introduce new foods in a fun way and if they do not want it, then give them other options! It isn’t about, oh the child doesn’t want dinner but here’s a big treat, it’s just about making sure a child is fed - whether that be what you originally planned for them to eat or something else. I’ve worked privately with children, and this included cooking, and I would ask the child what they want and get them to help with the cooking! This helped a lot ❤️ This is a child making a boundary and parents are completely ignoring and disrespecting that boundary by forcing them to eat it, or refusing to feed them if they don’t. ❤️

@Rosalie You're absolutely right. It definitely isn't habitual. She usually eats what we give her, even if it's just a little of it. Tonight was one of those exceptions, so I figured she could just eat what she wanted. Now, if she were asking for cupcakes and french fries, that would have been a different story lol. But she asked for oatmeal, which is still nutritional, so I didn't have any issues with it. I also waited until she was calm and collected to allow us to discuss how she was feeling, etc. before I made her the oatmeal.

If you were giving oatmeal to stop the tantrum that probably wouldn’t be ideal, but when she’s calmed down and you’ve had a conversation I don’t think what you do at that point is ‘rewarding’ it. I think you made the right call 😊

Anaphylaxis changes things significantly. While she’s recovering things will be off

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