Issues with my MIL are ruining my life and my marriage
I’m four months postpartum and have been quietly dealing with ongoing issues with my mother-in-law. Here are some of the recent incidents:
1. When my baby was three weeks old, I sent my MiL a photo of her newborn granddaughter along with a warm “Jummah Mubarak” message which translates to “have a blessed Friday” or “happy Friday”. She replied coldly: “People who were raised correctly say hello before talking to people.”
2. During my difficult pregnancy, my husband mentioned to her that I was feeling tired. She immediately dismissed it with, “Pregnancy is not an illness, no excuse for being tired.”
3. At seven months pregnant, I visited her and spent 4–5 hours in the kitchen preparing an African meal while she and my sister-in-law relaxed. They barely touched the food.
4. On Mother’s Day, my mum sent her a polite message saying happy Mother’s Day. In response, MiL sent her a string of insulting messages, accusing me of being a terrible daughter-in-law, claiming my mum and I look down on her because we’re educated and she isn’t (they’ve only met twice as they live in different countries), claiming that my mum thinks she’s a queen and she treats me like a princess, and asserting that as an African wife, my role is to care for my MiL and my disabled sister-in-law—duties I’m allegedly failing so apparently this defeats the purpose of my husband marrying me.
5. I had an emergency C-section and pre term birth. She called my husband to check that HE was ok and didn’t reach out to me at all..
She visits often and stays for weeks. I’ve always cooked her 3 meals daily while working full time, yet she complained to my mum that I don’t cook and claims she loses weight every visit because I meal prep meals. When she visits us, she stays in the guest room all day and doesn’t come out to talk to me whilst my husband is at work. Once my husband gets home, she magically appears in the living room and pretends to be pleasant.
During pregnancy, when I raised these issues with my husband, he dismissed them, saying she was upset with him, not me. He claims he was doing this to protect me as I was pregnant. Only recently has he acknowledged the problem and said he’ll address it. While I appreciate this, I’m full of anger and resentment. He still expects me to act like everything is fine when he calls her on the phone and wants me to say hello to her. Recently, he tried to pass the phone to me whilst he was speaking to her and I refused and that led to an argument where he said he was “disappointed” in me. She never asks of me or mentions me.
My husband doesn’t know I’m aware of the messages his mum sent my mum. My dad spoke to my husband about it and asked him to fix it, and he and my dad decided to keep the hurtful comments from me in order to protect my emotional state as I am still newly postpartum. My mum later told me in confidence, feeling I had a right to know.
I genuinely feel for my husband—he’s a good man, loving dad, and I know this is hard on him. He says he plans to visit her soon to resolve it face-to-face, but my anger is building. I’ve even started thinking about divorce, as I can’t see a healthy future in a dynamic where I’m constantly disrespected and expected to tolerate it.
His mother often uses his severely disabled sister to guilt him, implying he’s abandoning them by choosing me. This emotional manipulation is taking a toll on both of us—but especially on me. I’ve told my husband that I think this is going to lead to the end of my marriage and he keeps telling me to trust that he will handle it.
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That’s so sad , do you have a FIL to talk to ? Don’t divorce him but try to find a solution my dear .
Unfortunately my FIL passed away before we got married so I’ve never met him.
Your mother in law sounds like hell on earth. Is there any way to reduce the amount of time she spends at your place? How was your relationship with her before you became pregnant? It sounds like you may need to enforce some boundaries when it comes to your mil and demand respect.
she lives alone so my husband feels sorry for her and flies her over for visits. Before pregnancy she was not very warm or welcoming but she was more subtle. Now she has just gotten much worse. When we first got married my mum went over to visit her and she kept grumpily complaining that this marriage shouldn’t be all about me, my husband is important too.
Girl your husband isn’t the problem, it’s your monster in law , even if you divorce she unfortunately will be in your life because of your baby. I would say that what needs to be done is either fix it (she needs to apologise and be better) or cut contact with her at least from your part until she is ready to be a human being again.
I hope you don't mind my reply being a bit blunt as I guess you're asking for options and advice.
I think your MIL, your husband and you all have responsibilities in this.
Your MIL's problems are obvious. Low self-esteem, self-centred, big ego, entitled, rude, doesn't respect other people's boundaries...
Your husband is also somehow entitled that he thinks you should pay extra respect to his family as a wife. I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but even if it is, it's wrong. He and his original family are not fully separated, he's not a fully grown man, which is the fundamental problem. In modern marriages, husbands and wives should always be each other's first priority. He seems to want to 'balance' between you and his original family. And it just can't be done. He needs to choose. He shouldn't wait for you to ask him to defend you, he should have jumped out of defend you in the first place when his family insulted you. He failed to perform his duty. You should be disappointed in him,not other way round.
And finally, I think maybe you don't have a good sense of personal boundaries as well. If your husband can't defend you, you should have given him consequences, like leaving for a while. And you should have directly confront your MIL to tell her you're not taking that and ask her to apologise. At the moment she wasn't grateful of what you did for her, you should stop doing ANYTHING for her.
Tbh, it's probably because your MIL thinks it's okay to talk to you and your family like that. And why does she thinks like that? I can't imagine anyone around me would even dare to talk to me like that... They know that wouldn't end well if they try...
I am so, so sorry. This MIL sounds like she has been let away with her behavior for forever. It’s time to put down some boundaries. I’m so sorry.
Your mother in law sounds childish..and she doesn't like you which is ok we can't have good relationships with everyone even if it's your mil..also her and her daughter is not your husbands responsibility obviously.
Your MIL sounds horrible. This may not be popular opinion, but I read something recently that when MIL are so awful to DIL it stems from unresolved stuff in their past. Absolutely no excuse for being nasty and making your life hell but I’m wondering if you addressed these things head on, in a calm and nurturing manner, what would happen?
Ie. she does something particularly horrid, just say “Why did you intentionally try and put me down and hurt my feelings just now?” If she dismisses it (typically what narcissists will do, try something like “I’m not sure what has happened to you in your past for you to treat me this way, but it’s unacceptable and it needs to change. I love your son and I’m a good wife and mother to his child so this would be much more pleasant if we just had a mutual respect for another”.
Call her out politely. If it helps, try and view her as a child in your eyes. A hurt and wounded child and that might help you draw the compassion so you don’t blow your top! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
In addition, it sounds like she might’ve had a particularly hard time with motherhood and maybe she’s seen how well adjusted and capable you are and she’s jealous and lashing out. Again, not acceptable behaviour. The stuff with your mum, maybe jealous because she was not supported by her own mother? I find it always helps to look at things in a different way and trying to understand the WHY might help take the anger away for you? Good luck mama. You don’t deserve to be treated like this and it’s hard to not just scream and shout but don’t give her the power to get in between you and your hubby. Trying this might force her to have some much deserved respect for you. What have you got to lose? All the best x
Thank you ladies for the kind words. I expressed how I feel to my husband and he just kept saying he’s going to handle it.
He’s planning to visit his mum to talk to her face to face, which would mean leaving me alone with baby for a few days as his mum lives in a different country.
I just really feel so stressed and angry. I don’t think I can ever forgive her for how she has treated me so I really don’t think him talking to her is going to resolve things. If anything, I can just foresee her manipulating him and turning him against me.
My husband mentioned that once he has had a chat with his mum he would like us (me, him and baby) to travel to visit his mum for a few days so that baby can meet his sister (who is disabled and can’t travel to us). I feel like he is using the fact that his sister is disabled and cannot travel as a way to guilt me into going to visit his mum. He keeps saying it’s important for our baby to meet his sister.
Sounds like your husband is trying to get his way to please his mum and avoids to deal with the conflicts, therefore leaving you to suck it up even more.
It's your decision, but I will definitely not having anymore interaction in any form with your MIL until the problem solved and she apologised.
It's important for me him for your baby to meet his sister, but it's important for you to be reasonably respected by your husband and his family.
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