Sahm

You are not delusional. Taking care of small children is more hours of work than a full time job.

Is he paying you a rate similar to what you’d be earning working? Yes, great - put some in your retirement plan & hire help. Like cleaners. Have his mom come by for a few hours a couple times a week so you can meal prep or go meet friends, see drs etc.

If he’s not paying you, well, he should help. Especially while he’s home. I’d be willing to bet you spend more hours per week/day/month etc ‘ working’ than him. Plus no breaks.

It’s wonderful to stay home, but his expectations are out of whack.

I wish I could utilize his mom, but unfortunately she’s on the plus size and can’t really move easily. She’s told me before that she can no longer watch kids like she used to because her feet are in pain and other complications. I completely understand that but he swears that if he asks her she will. Which I don’t doubt it but at the end of the day she wouldn’t be much help since she’s not agile. I don’t have a village where I live my family is 1:20 away and my parents still very much work. I have no friends here so it’s just me. I’ve asked him to hire help if he can’t help me, the last time I said that he said no because I’m not nice enough to him 😞 I can’t even be nice to anyone cause I’m always so angry on edge. And the fact that he’s so complacent watching me struggle days on end and throughout the night drive me mad. How can anyone be nice to someone that’s ok watching them struggle.

Just focus on your children's development and keeping an area clean for them to play and sleep, eat, and bathe.

I would let everything else fall away. If it bothers him, then he will have to step up. Maybe you can write out your day for him so he sees how much work you do.

Also, I would take him up on his mom watching the kids. That way, she can vouch for you for how difficult it is.

Are you staying home with them due to saving money or for their development?

Also, at 3/4, they should be able to help clean up their own areas, right? Putting away their toys each day and all that. I would start a routine for them to be more disciplined about that, too.

Dishes go in the dishwasher throughout the day, and then all get washed at the end of the night? If you dont have one, then maybe he can "provide" one for you.

Can your MIL come over to watch them while you clean?

I'm really sorry. I can't imagine your struggle. I only have 1 and 1 on the way. 3 under 4 sounds like a mad house. It won't be like this forever, though 💕

No. You're not ungrateful, but he is.

that’s good advice! i have 3 under 3 so iknow how it is, it’s chaos never stops
but aswell i do try and get my children to tidy up their toys

You are not delusional!!!!!!! Your a mother and yes you have a great situation but your man’s job isn’t 24hrs a day and your kids are for life….. I flip this on my spouse as I have a similar situation what if something happens to me ?? What if from being tired and no help I get I’ll… your job won’t care he’s gonna have to come home or deal alone so don’t allow for him to make you feel that money runs it all because it doesn’t you rearing the kids is your full time work and the house should be for you both and you should get help 50/50

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through that with him.

Your anger is a reasonable reaction to the circumstances & probably burnout too. Try to find some productive outlets for it (I rage clean for 15-30 minutes at night when I’m really angry, or plan a nature outing, even cold water on the face helps 😂).

I recently tried some advice for when I’m getting resentful: share your need verbally. Ex: asking my husband a question, he didn’t respond- twice. So I tried saying “Mr, I’m feeling really unheard right now. I need you to listen & respond.’ Got his attention & I found he thought I’d been talking to our son - tension eased, need met. This post explained it well:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DNqfMzUuxeO/?igsh=cTRoZW9nbjNpaDNx

(Though you may already be doing that).

I also agree with . Do what you can & if he’s not happy- he can step up. I definitely do this.

Could his mom batch cook for you or do some simple cleaning?

Get a cleaner few hours a week or a fortnight? I can see where you both are coming from.

Just doesn’t make any sense to me. He can help everyone else in his life, his friends call him he’s there, his family calls him he’s there, I ask for help and it’s you should be able to handle the work load, you can do it alone 😔. I always think it’s because I don’t have any financial help for him or idk 😞. I do try to have my kids help me clean their stuff but it’s almost like I have to do it because I’m there standing telling them what to pick up. My 4 year old is good at putting her dishes away but it’s the 2 year old that doesn’t want to do it or just ignores my requests or doesn’t understand what needs to be done. So I’m there telling them what needs to be done.

What does he do for a living? Do you know his income? I’m so sorry but please one day at a time. Focus on the rainbow & pot of gold you have - the children

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I would find an excuse to be out of the house for24 hours when he is home and has to be with the kids so he can get a taste of what you go through.
Like maybe have your mom or sibling pretend they need you to come take care of them for a medical emergency and you can’t bring the kids.
Once he sees what it’s like, then you can have a logical conversation