Honest thoughts

My partner is a good person. He isn’t someone who expects much from me and he does the cooking and keeps on top of the house. He does a lot for us in a practical sense. However I’m feeling so angry with him. I had a very traumatic birth and it ended with an emergency blood transfusion I was very unwell. There was no time to recover and baby has never been a good sleeper. He’s never done longer than a 3 hour stretch and only done that about 4 times. Me and partner somehow have found ourselves in this routine where he goes out most evenings for a run. However he goes to the pub for a beer or two after. So he’s gone for at least 2 hours even though the run takes 25 min. He has also started going to football. And he often goes out for a beer with colleagues after work to ‘show his face’. Today for example my baby has only napped twice for 30 min. That’s exhausting for me. I’ve done this day in day out and every single night multiple wakes for over 7 months. I have no family around, never been away from baby for more than 2 hours. My partner isn’t the kind of man who takes the piss, he’s not doing this on purpose. I’m questioning myself as to whether I should be angry than today he messaged saying is it ok if I go for a beer with everyone after work? Whilst I honestly feel on the edge of collapsing. I have to walk my baby miles. Often in the carrier which I’ve had to stop doing as much because my back is agony. I walked for over an hour baby still didn’t go to sleep and it was the 2nd walk of the day. He didn’t sleep on that one either. I’m also taking care of our very energetic dog all day. Yes he has to work I get it. He thinks I’m in the wrong for having a go at him. Today was after he’s already been for his run/pub twice this week then played football last night now goes for a beer after work. I came home from the walk to breast feed to sleep which I’m trying to stop doing and so can’t get myself food as I’m trapped. He’s only ever had the baby alone for 2 hours at a time. I just don’t think he understands how exhausting it is. Don’t need suggestions like pumping or formula been down that road. Just wondering am I being unfair or him? His message says this like ‘it’s only 5pm I’m just having 1 to say bye to someone retiring’ I mean I just feel like giving me the finer details shows he doesn’t get it. I don’t care about what it is he’s doing, it’s the fact we have a young baby and he has not had to sacrifice one thing. And I’m left all day long and into the evening doing it alone. There is the argument that he can’t do anything cos of EBF but… also I just wanna say he does for bedtime routine with me often but then will go for a run once baby is passed to me to feed to sleep or whatever. I think he thinks this is ok. But it’s more just being left with the weight of it and feeling alone, even if he can’t do anything it’s just being home with me would feel supportive. He’s very involved with baby and has taken a lot of time off work when he shouldn’t (job is a bit flexible). I dunno if I’m just going crazy or what

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You are absolutely not in the wrong, going out that often when you have a young baby is unfair, especially taking up new things. My partner goes to the football, and then goes out for drinks every so often maybe once a month if that, but he would never ask me if it was okay to go out for drinks after work because he knows how hard work it is, and that I need help: don’t get me wrong we can all do it on our own; but it is SO hard especially when you’re not getting sleep and they are having hard days. So no, you’re not in the wrong at all, it’s okay for him to go out but not that often, and you definitely need more time for yourself, how long can you go out without having to breastfeed? I think he might need to have a good few hours with your little one to appreciate what it’s like, I did have to do this with my partner around 9 weeks in because he was undervaluing what it was like, and his attitude did change after that. You need help, and he should be at home more to help you 🩷

It is hard for dads to adjust, my partner struggled with the loss of his spare time so he might be trying to force it back in to feel a sense of normality, he might feel a lot less useful than you, but he still needs to understand that he needs to be there for you even if he can’t feed, because motherhood is lonely sometimes.

Have you told him at any point that you have an issue with it? I have split parental leave with my husband and only when he was the one off work did he truly understand how hard it was and that going to work is actually a break😅 you need to have a frank discussion about your current struggles and how you can’t continue it long term! There is also a lot of research about how babies sleep longer if dads put them to bed, I feed my baby to sleep too and he won’t take it any other way from me but when he’s not hungry and dad puts him to bed he settles quicker and for longer stretches (still only a few hours but I take what I can😂)

I echo what has said. I honestly don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Looking after a 7 month old all day is so hard and by the end of the day, you just want your partner to come home and give you a bit of support.

I’d be pretty upset too if my partner was going out a few nights a week even if it’s just for one drink especially after a tough day with the baby. It might help to tell him exactly how you’re feeling. Sometimes men don’t fully get it unless you spell it out so he might just be a bit clueless rather than trying to be selfish. A really honest chat could go a long way. Thinking of you mama and hope things get better soon! 🥰

I totally feel you mum! I’m EBF my baby now and breastfed my 5 year old for a long time too. I have gone through exactly same thoughts and feelings as you did. It takes time to process the change and mourn the loss of your freedom. With my second one I’m trying to do more with the baby- take her with me to the hair and nail salon, meet up mums, shopping, museums, even found a gym with a baby creche so I can leave her for an hour. Had to learn to do things with her.But again it’s easier for me with a second baby because I had 5 years to learn how to be a mum and get used to the massive life change it is. With my first one I was super lonely because it was also during a lockdown and my partner used to work away for 5 days a week. Just wanted to share that it’s normal you feel the way you do. Opening up to your partner and sharing how you feel would help too and hopefully he’s understanding rather than defensive. But it could be that it makes time for him to adjust to a new dad role too

Ignore the judgy, unsympathetic, negative comments. Your feelings are completely valid and it’s irrelevant if you’re exclusively BF and he does some chores. It’s about emotional support, understanding and quality time as well. It’s understandable that you’re feeling abit abandoned so I agree to have a chat and think what solutions you might like to offer. And don’t minimise your own feelings! X

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I've finally done it

I have finally done it. I have finally become the trope, the stereotype.

I have become bitter, resentful, and very overwhelmed and overloaded. I am very unhappy and hit burnout. And I snapped at my husband last night. I work full-time, and work has been very busy so im working late a lot. Im also in grad school. I also have a toddler that has become VERY clingy with me. My husband works shorter days but commutes, so he usually gets home after me by an hour or more. When he gets home, he usually heads to the restroom for at least 30 mins when he gets home. And now my toddler doesnt want anything to do with him. So im doing all the toddler duties until bed. I dont get 5 mins to myself. Not for almost 2 years. I finally hit my wall. I have also, somehow, become my MILs medical ride service and she somehow has an appt every week, it seems?! Shes not sick!! My husband was complaining that he needs to change routine to fit in a workout sometimes, and I lost it. I have been BEGGING for 5 mins to myself for months. I have been telling him how im not good, im going to burn out for months. And between his attitude and him complaining (which really got me b/c he blames me for not being able to work out?! Saying I need help when he gets home so he just cant workout now) I just lost it completely. I told him how unfair my life has become and I have the entire mental and emotional load and it is just not fair. He got mad at me and said "hes trying" when hes literally not trying at all. What do I do?? No one is taking the load from me! And im done and dont know what to do now.
I do not like this version of me.

AITA?

This isn't a major issue, just wondering if I'm being a bit of an asshole.

• I do shift work, 5 out of 7 days, full-time.
• My partner works from home (mostly, sometimes he goes into the office) M-F, full-time.

Anyway, whenever I have a day off during the week he gets in his feelings when I make myself food (breakfast and lunch) but not him. His reason is he's working, I'm not - Which is fair but I've asked him how many times on a weekend has he gotten up, on his day off and made me breakfast and a lunch to take with me to work? You guessed it, 0.

So basically, just because I'm at home I don't think the responsibility to feed him should automatically fall on me when he manages to feed himself just fine while I'm at work.

Big vent!

Hi mums.
I'm a first time mum in my 40s to twin boys.They are almost 5 months old and the biggest miracle in my life!
I am struggling!!!
I'm pretty sure I have ppa as my pregnancy was a very high risk and all I remember was crying from anxiety of all the ifs!Thankfully even born at 35 weeks and skinny,didn't need iu time.
My husband is not helping much because he's always too busy with work.He will "look" after them usually between 8pm-12am so I can have a chance to sleep.
He expects me to just sleep when I touch the pillow,even though I hear tje babies crying and him don't really bother because most of the times he'll be on his laptop working.
When I tell him I can't relax to fall asleep because I feel you r neglecting the babies,he says I'm the problem becauae I'm always there with them and don't give them alone time!!
I am angry!!I am furious!!
I can't keep.up.with housework becauae someone alwaya neess me and most of the times they nap I either cook and clean tje kitchen,do laundry or try and take a quick nap.
He doesn't help.around the house,becauae..guess what?always super busy.
I asked him nicely we could clean the house together every Saturday morning so it's easier and quicker for both of us and he said no,because he has a lot of work but probably wants to sleep until 12 or 2.
2 days ago a button of his coat ripped and I told him I'll sew it these days.
Earlier this morning while running late for his work,as always,he weara the coat and told him didn't get the chance to fix the button and sarcastically said..of.course u didn't!!!
I spent all night awake because one of the babies had congested nose and we've been trying to reduce one fees at night.
I wanted to punch him!!He left and I started crying...I cry so much,even at 5 months pp...
I can't go on like this anymoreeeee...
The crying in my ears is constant..my head is always numb..I've gained so much weight and can't find the strength to get back on track..
Even if I try to.find a therapist to just talk,is it gonna help?I really don't know😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

If your partners parent passes away

And you and that parent didn't get along are you still go to the funeral?

Not my situation!

Avoidant husband

I love my husband and he is a good man. We have some issues in our relationship however, as he has an avoidant attachment style (finds romance/intimacy/being emotional difficult). This comes from him having to be independent from a young age and having quite an abusive mother.
The issues in our relationship are mainly around a lack of sex and intimacy. I think the problem is that to feel turned on, I need to feel connected and wanted. My husband (being avoidant) will usually make jokes about being horny whereas I would want to have someone make me feel beautiful/sexy to get in the mood.
It sounds terrible but I've sometimes had dreams about exes that would make me feel this way, and the romance we had (eye contact, intensity, deep words). It makes me feel really guilty but I feel like i'm starved of that. My husband would like a lot more sex but I can't always force myself if I'm not feeling it.
We've spoken a bit about therapy but I know its often really expensive so we probably wouldn't be able to afford it. Do you have any suggestions please? I know that neither of us are wrong in what we want, just different but I'm scared about whether we can fix it or if we're doomed?

Is this clever or cruel?

My husband and i were talking and with social media and the internet in general being a terrifying dumpster fire, we are trying to figure out the best way to keep our son safe while still teaching him how to safely be online and moderation.

We landed on the idea of giving him the 90's kid treatment. A computer in the living room for us to keep an eye on what hes doing online, and once we feel hes mature enough to hang with friends without adult supervision he gets a flip phone. When we feel he is responsible enough and he earns and saves up the money for the physical phone, case, and screen cover, then we will be happy to take him to get a smart phone.

I thought this was air tight, but now my brother says its cruel to give a kid a flip phone, and besides he can just use his friends phones at school.

My husband and i remember a time before the internet, and we remember having complete access to something no one understood yet. We saw unspeakable things and are always battling with the urge to put the phone and social media down. I dont want that for my son, especially with his brain so vulnerable still.