Unwanted Pregnancy w/Abusive partner and scared.
I’m so sorry if this isn’t the best place or inappropriate to share.. but I need advice. Please.
my BF (M-35) and I (F-35), found out 3 months ago I was a couple of weeks pregnant.. before I get into that ordeal, some background.. we’ve only been together for a year now, and he’s all I have. I cut my extremely toxic family 3 years ago and he has never left me stranded, never left me like the people closest to me have. I bring this up to say (or make excuses), but he gets extremely violent and disrespectful when intoxicated. From disrespecting me in front of strangers, physically dragging me out in public places, pushing me in the car when I try to run away to prevent a scene… to actually ending up in the hospital back in January, with 3 broken ribs, shattered orbital bone, concussions, swollen shut black eyes, and I couldn’t open my mouth fully so for two weeks I had nothing but liquids. He was so scared of going to jail that he didn’t let his sister take me to the hospital until 20 hours after, and by then it was too late for the doctors to stitch my eyelid and lip back closed, so I see the scars to this day. I had nowhere to go so I had to recover next to him daily and not once did he bring it up, let alone apologize.
He hasn’t done anything that extreme again, but he’s very rough physically.. throw me back in a room, push me in the car, physically block me from leaving, pulling me back in the house, all while calling me everything but a child of God.
a couple of weeks ago I decided to leave him and I told him this.. while I was sitting down packing, I told him that I wasn’t keeping the baby and he said “good then b****” pushed my head into the wall, and ran out of the empty apartment when he saw me finally calling the police. I actually went through with it and filed a report on him.
I was put in a temporary women’s shelter after a couple of weeks and I’ve been jumping around from rooms and group homes. he sends me money or pays for my weekly rent and daily food etc. He knows I’m still pregnant and talks about it so excitedly, and I know that I will have zero support expressing my feelings, concerns, or my choice, which is possibly no longer an option.. which breaks my heart and soul, but also scares me to death.
I’ve been putting my body through the most unhealthy pregnancy, I’ve even considered, and seriously came close to drinking bleach. I can’t imagine having his child and being stuck after the hard work and dedication I’ve been putting towards my wellbeing through independence.
He knows my every move, always finds me somehow, or knows where or who I’ve been around. I don’t know what to do, I feel like the worst person in the world, and even though I wouldn’t be missed by anyone, and he’d probably be the only person to even notice my absence.. that’s not what I want. I’m terrified to stand up for myself to him, but even if I DID.. I don’t have the resources to even handle it myself. because I won’t have his support. what do I do to help myself? who else can I speak with besides THEE hotline?
*Please try not to be too harsh, these past 3 years have been very difficult, making the right decisions has been challenging, and sometimes inevitable. And I know I have no one to blame but myself and the way I responded to the worst of the worst possible betrayal*
•I know I was dumb and everything I went through is my fault for allowing it.
•I know everyone else would have left or been stronger than to live in fear or feeling stuck.
•I was diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome as a teenager and I understand the toxicity within this codependency and abandonment issues I know I have.
TLDR- I am pregnant with a man I fear, (who wants this child) and won’t be supportive or help me out of this.
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Please do wants best for you how far along are you and please dont go back 😢
Move away, faar faar away, change cities, go to the other side of the country, throw your phone away and start again
Im so sorry for what you've been through and want you to be very proud of yourself for finally getting out.
This child is your priority now, so have you looked into filing for full custody and/or getting a restraining order?
Possibly changing your name, or asking the police for relocation?
This is such a hard situation to be in, my family member went through a very similar situation but she came out the other side and so will you.
Reach out to a solicitor, get some free legal advice and arm yourself with all the evidence you can
Also reach out to your doctors for therapy and advice over your harmful thoughts.
Do not let him take anything away from you, more than he already has
Wishing you the best of luck, stay strong, you are a survivor 🧡
First off, you were not and are not dumb, and none of what happened to you is in any way, shape, or form your fault. I cannot stress that enough. Everything that happened to you is HIS fault alone. He sounds like a horrible excuse for a man, a horrible excuse for a human being, and I’m so sorry you went through that.
Second, go to the police and file a restraining/no contact order. If you need/can, bring his sister to provide a witness statement. Press charges. There are ways to terminate his parental rights to the child, which means he has no rights (or obligations) to the child, and cannot come asking for custody or visitation or anything like that. If you can’t afford a lawyer, law schools usually have free clinics, where a law student (supervised by a licensed attorney) will take your case for free.
Third, I also had a terrible pregnancy with my second (though not to the extent you have). My baby boy came out happy, healthy, and is currently 6months old and thriving.
But I totally understand the desire to totally cut any ties to your abuser. If it’s too late to terminate the pregnancy, you can always consider adoption.
You should be so proud of yourself for leaving. I know it’s so hard. I’m currently going through a lot of legal and custody battles with my ex for my boys, and am in intensive therapy due to what he put me through. In my situation, the police have been less than helpful, but hopefully where you are, they actually do their job and provide you support. Please feel free to message me if you want to chat more.
I had two kids with a man who physically beat me restless everyday. With all the love in my heart. LEAVE. get out. If he hurts you he WILL hurt your babies. This isn’t a guess this is from experience. It may not be right away, but the behavior will continue. Kids need to see what good love is like, would you want your kid dating someone who did this to them? I know this is going to sound harsh but if you stay forever your kids will end up with people who treat them the same because they were shown that that is what love is. For you and your children’s safety I would find any way you can to get out. Although it seems you left he can still find you. You may have to find a safe person, someone who he won’t know you know to go stay with.
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