How do you set boundaries with family who don’t respect them?

That’s pretty wild😳 I would either get your partner to talk to him/family and make it clear if they don’t wash their hands then no one will be holding the baby, also when I gave birth my midwife recommended me no visitors for 2 weeks therefore I told people I was advised 🤷🏻‍♀️ the constant judgement will always be a thing or advice you just need to not listen to it. Everyone parents differently, I just smile and say I parent my child how I choose to parent and my child seems to be doing pretty well

My parents are the same, calling me crazy for wanting them to get the flu shot (they did after 3 months of arguments). Saying that not kissing the baby is depriving the baby of love... You need your partner to be like a club bouncer. If they don't follow the rules they won't get access to the baby. Your peace is more important than their feelings. You can also ask the doctor/midwife for written recommendations and blame it on them. Good luck!! I feel you!

I'd avoid mentioning anything like growth scans etc or medical appointments as it's not their business, if you were going for an eye exam you wouldn't announce it. When it comes to pregnancy everyone is so invested, but they don't need to know everything!
I'd get your partner and yourself to send exactly the same message to your family saying please respect our boundaries and we will not be accepting any visitors for the first 2 weeks after you come home from the hospital. You appreciate that everyone will want to meet the baby but you need time to adjust to being a new little family. Photos of baby will be provided upon birth and weekly from then on and you will let them know when you are able to accept visitors.

If they cannot appreciate your rules then they're just rude!

My in laws were the same and to be honest I cut them off. They were useless as a grandparent anyways, only ever seen him for ‘a pop in’ which was 4 times out of his entire 1st year which consisted of coming in not even sitting down and leaving after 5 minutes. My partner respected my decision as he didn’t have the best relationship either and to be honest I’ve never been more at peace with having no contact but again it was easier as my partner didn’t pressure me to change my mind. If they can’t respect your decisions or boundaries for a new important chapter of your life then they are just selfish and inconsiderate x

So sorry you’re having to deal with this hun. In general, I would say if it’s your partner’s family, he should be the one confronting this but if he won’t then unfortunately you’ll have to. I don’t love conflict either but you just have to see the bigger picture that the safety of your child and your peace of mind are worth it. I’d probably start out with a little empathy, recognising to them that when they had children those things might have been seen as okay but we’ve developed now and we have more information and you’ll be doing your upmost to provide the best environment for your child and you’d appreciate their support in that. I would also say that just because they did something and it was okay, it doesn’t mean it’s risk free, you get smokers who will live to 100 and that doesn’t mean smoking is risk free.

*How did you set boundaries that were actually respected?*

So if you have people who are disregarding the boundaries you are setting out, I would lay out the consequences of disregarding those boundaries, for example if you refuse then I’m afraid you won’t be able to see the baby because I don’t feel it’s safe. Having your partner present a united front will also be helpful. I don’t know what kind of people are but I wonder about sending them statistics or evidence to back up your point of view but you shouldn’t have to really justify it to be honest so I think just outlining the boundary and the consequence and enforcing that.

* How do you handle family members who refuse basic requests like hand-washing?* as above, no washed hands no baby holding.

I don’t really have advice for you but I mentioned, in passing conversation, to my dad and step mum that I want people to wait until I make contact to say I’m ready before visiting baby and they were so offended. They were quite rude and really upset me so I completely get what you’re saying x

*How do you ask for no visitors at first without feeling guilty?*

I didn’t feel guilty at all for this, I just said to people that I’ll see how I feel after the baby was born and let people know when I’m ready for visitors. If anyone protests I would just say I love how they are but I’m going to wait until I’m ready.

* And how do you deal with constant judgement or
"advice" that dismisses your parenting choices?*

So I just say thank you for the advice and completely ignore it.

I would also think about how much energy you want put into this relationship and managing these people. They sound quite obnoxious and I don’t think you’re going to change them so you will have to constantly manage them. Is that worth it or is going low or no contact preferable?

I set my boundaries. And if they disrespect them. Then they won’t be seeing my baby, simple as that.

I will be hiding and pretending I’m never home 🤣

I’d cut this man off so damn fast ! If he’s not going to wash his hands, do not let him touch your baby ! Your husband needs to speak to him about his behaviour because it’s disgusting also, what does HE know about pregnancy and birthing a child so really he can just stfu

My mil is exactly like this, thinks she’s god incarnate etc, I made a group chat with the whole family, sent my rules and said there’s no debating them and if you can’t comply, don’t come around as you won’t have access to my baby at all. I told everyone if they give me unsolicited advice they’ll be asked to leave my home as I’m raising my child my way