My 4.5 yr old is still not potty trained and i am about to lose it

He is 4.5, and he doesnt care. We started potty training at 2 yrs old, so 2.5 years ago. He pees and poos in his underwear and sits in it for hours without telling me. The feeling of being wet and sticky from feces and pee doesnt seem to bother him. I am at my wits end. I wont know what to do anymore. I remind him every 30 min, every hour. Sometimes i take him to the toilet and he says theres nothing in my belly but 5 min later he will hide behind the couch to poop or pee freely as he is playing. I have tried every trick under the sun. Rewards, gifts, chocolate, punishment, consequences, etc. NOTHING is working. Please help. I feel like the older he is getting the harder its getting and he will be in diapers for the rest of his life.

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He might not know he is going. How are his poops? Hard or soft? Is he constipated?

If you’re in the UK, have a look at ERIC https://eric.org.uk/potty-training/

They have lots of information as well as a helpline. I’ve not used myself but heard lots of good things.

This is me but with my 2.5 year old and I do worry we will be the same as like your son, my son also doesn’t care and would l happily sit wet or dirty all day if I let him!!

Does he have a favourite place to go hide to poop

We did EC, but Audrey is so helpful for late potty training as well! I like this episode but you can search her other resources as well. She explains everything about why kids resist, and how to reframe it without bribing or punishing. https://godiaperfree.com/why-babies-resist-the-potty-potty-resistance-and-what-to-do/

I'd take a break personally and put him back in nappies. If it's been going on this long it sounds like you both need a break.

Sounds like maybe it was initially started too early and he now has a negative relationship with it.

Every 30-60 minutes is exhausting for the both of you. I'd take a break for a month or so then try again.

Also never punish him for it. It's a skill to learn not something he'd doing wrong or him being bad.

What was recommended to me was to move things they like to hide by so it's no longer a good spot for them. Is that possible?

I'm sorry he's having a hard time. Does the doctor know? Sometimes an OT can help

The current approach clearly isn't working so I'd speak to the health visitor or equivalent for some support.

Sounds like he does know he's going so isn't a physical issue.

Which is still punishing him. He doesn't link loss of tv or no new toy to not using the toilet or potty. They are completely separate things so it doesn't do anything.

The only reaction in potty training should be positive or oh dear, next time we need to use the potty/toilet. No lectures, consequences (other than natural ie if you poo in your underwear and it stays there your bum will get sore) or punishments as all they do is make them want to do it even less.

We started potty training at 1.5 and here we are at 4 she’ll poop in the toilet but won’t pee. She will pee in her pull-up all day until it starts to run through and then come tell me she peed on herself and I’ll give her the look and then here comes the alligator tears when she knows she should’ve went to the bathroom it’s nerve wrecking and annoying asl but my mom keeps telling me to have patience but she doesn’t realize July 8th is around the corner and I’m not about to be buying diapers and pull-ups she needs to get it together and fast

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Puree pouches

Can someone enlighten me on why NHS advises against too many food pouches in one week? When they're organic and no added extras? It makes me feel really guilty/lazy for giving him them

There is something sinister about my 3 year old boy.

I dont know how to explain it. When i look at him i dont feel the sane way as i do with his sibling. He has anger issues, he says things that leave me speechless, when he is angry he will things like when i grow up i will hit you with a hammer or when i grow up i will put you on fire and watch you die and i have no idea how he learnt this or where from. He only watches cartoons and he doesnt go to nursery/school. I cant love him the same way i do his sibling and i resent him alot. I really have to try my best to show equality. What do i do?

Is this normal or do I just have a lazy partner?

My child’s father has been sleeping in the other room as I’m just so done with all the shit I have to deal with him. We are already on thin ice. I’ve voiced how I want him to actually be a partner and do his bit as a dad and work with me raising the kids, doing the shopping, cleaning the house cooking etc. he’s so lazy. This morning our three year old was really upset and didn’t want to go to nursery. He can hear this and I know he’s awake as I heard his alarm go off 20 mins before and know he’s just lying in his bed on his phone. Our daughter is being really difficult getting dressed but finally I manage. I then start doing her hair and when it comes to brushing her teeth she’s even more upset and crying. All the while he made himself a cup of tea, got himself ready and is sat on the toilet. I come out and start screaming at him why haven’t you helped as my stress levels are so high and he says well I’m driving her to nursery you’re not so you can get her ready. Nursery is literally a five min drive away in the direction of his work. Also I work too I just leave slightly later than them but have barely anytime to get myself ready when they leave. Is this normal or is this a bad partner?

Thoughts?

If not using traditional nursery/childminder etc and have the Grandparents as your child care…

Do you expect them to do other small bits around the house, I.e washing up or putting in the dishwasher the bits they have used themselves or with baby throughout the day, hanging up some clean washing etc?

Also would you pre-prepare your little ones food for the day? Or would you expect Granny to make their lunch etc?