My 4.5 yr old is still not potty trained and i am about to lose it

He might not know he is going. How are his poops? Hard or soft? Is he constipated?

If you’re in the UK, have a look at ERIC https://eric.org.uk/potty-training/

They have lots of information as well as a helpline. I’ve not used myself but heard lots of good things.

This is me but with my 2.5 year old and I do worry we will be the same as like your son, my son also doesn’t care and would l happily sit wet or dirty all day if I let him!!

Does he have a favourite place to go hide to poop

We did EC, but Audrey is so helpful for late potty training as well! I like this episode but you can search her other resources as well. She explains everything about why kids resist, and how to reframe it without bribing or punishing. https://godiaperfree.com/why-babies-resist-the-potty-potty-resistance-and-what-to-do/

I'd take a break personally and put him back in nappies. If it's been going on this long it sounds like you both need a break.

Sounds like maybe it was initially started too early and he now has a negative relationship with it.

Every 30-60 minutes is exhausting for the both of you. I'd take a break for a month or so then try again.

Also never punish him for it. It's a skill to learn not something he'd doing wrong or him being bad.

What was recommended to me was to move things they like to hide by so it's no longer a good spot for them. Is that possible?

I'm sorry he's having a hard time. Does the doctor know? Sometimes an OT can help

The current approach clearly isn't working so I'd speak to the health visitor or equivalent for some support.

Sounds like he does know he's going so isn't a physical issue.

Which is still punishing him. He doesn't link loss of tv or no new toy to not using the toilet or potty. They are completely separate things so it doesn't do anything.

The only reaction in potty training should be positive or oh dear, next time we need to use the potty/toilet. No lectures, consequences (other than natural ie if you poo in your underwear and it stays there your bum will get sore) or punishments as all they do is make them want to do it even less.

We started potty training at 1.5 and here we are at 4 she’ll poop in the toilet but won’t pee. She will pee in her pull-up all day until it starts to run through and then come tell me she peed on herself and I’ll give her the look and then here comes the alligator tears when she knows she should’ve went to the bathroom it’s nerve wrecking and annoying asl but my mom keeps telling me to have patience but she doesn’t realize July 8th is around the corner and I’m not about to be buying diapers and pull-ups she needs to get it together and fast

You mention waiting a long time for speech therapy. Could these things be related and maybe show a bigger picture or struggle here?

Are you in the US? If so, reach out to your local public school.

I have some potty training handouts from an ot class I could send you. It's for potty training kids with autism and down syndrome but it could help.

Kids with special needs can start receiving services from their public school at 3

Sorry to hear that! I would maybe look into the special education laws for your country and see what your options are! Best of luck

Try bringing him in with you everytime you go and sitting him on after so he can see it’s a normal body function that he doesn’t have to hide or be ashamed of.

My boys are also 4.5 and I’m dealing with similar behaviours even though they’ve both had stretches of using the toilet consistently for weeks at a time.

One seems to be constipated and having painful BMs, which is causing refusal/avoidance and fear of using the toilet. He then has accidents when he can’t hold it any more. I’m starting him on a fibre supplement.

The other seems to have FOMO and doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing to use the toilet and/or doesn’t seem to recognize his body cues.
I found a Daniel tiger episode about stopping what you’re doing when you feel the urge to go, so we’ve been watching that. Also reassuring him the toy/show/activity will still be there when he gets back.
My mom also mentioned that his spine seems out of alignment (she’s an RMT), which could be causing a pinched nerve that is interfering with the “I have to pee/poop” signals getting to his brain. She recommended I take him to an osteopath, which I’ve been meaning to book.

I sympathize, my son will be 3 in August and potty training can be very frustrating. We've taken so many breaks for my own sanity and after coming across a tiktoker that specializes in potty training only now is it getting better. I don't wanna jinx myself but he's wearing the same undies from this morning and its almost 6pm.
I get a lot of pressure from my in laws and it always feel like they're jabbing at my efforts.
One day at a time you got this!

If his fav place to poop is behind the sofa have you tried leaving those portable potties behind the sofa so he can go? That may help
My son was the same we started at 2.5 years and he did well then regressed really badly and would refuse to go to the toilet. We started leaving a porta potty behind the door of our livinf room where he liked going and he started doing it himself. Still wouldnt go to the toilet. When he was 3 i went to visit my sister and my neice is 4 months older than him and fully potty trained. He started competing with her about going to the bathroom and suddenly started going on his own to the toilet.

My daughter didn’t potty train until she was 4 and then, only because she needed to use the toilet in order to start preschool. We just used pull ups. It’s not worth the extra stress and laundry. My other daughter is 3 and started preschool earlier. She’s potty trained at school but will just go in her pants at home. Not sure if this is why, but I just found out that the wipes we use hurt her and that’s why she sits in it and doesn’t want to be changed.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP9LX5oyRkpRx-fRAUw/

She's live!

Do they wet themselves at school? (Or nursery)