My friend thinks I’m in the wrong, third party opinion needed
Hi, so my boyfriend of 3 years was caught cheating on me recently. I’m obviously heart broken. For the last three years, our lives have become very ingrained in each other (small town living doesn’t help) and we are both part of the same friend group. This weekend we have plans on the river I’ve been excited for all month, and it’s the first time all year I’ve gotten a babysitter. My boyfriend and I even bought boats for this day. Despite our break up, we agreed to remain civil for the kids, and I said I’d still like to still spend the day on the river with our friends. He agreed.
I mentioned this to my best friend, who is not part of this friend group, and she got very pissed and told me off. She told me I need to cancel the plans, and there’s no reason to be around someone who cheated on me. I explained we will have seperate boats, and he will hang out with the guys, and I’ll hang out with the girls (we’re mostly couples in this friend group). She reminded me that he cheated, and I agreed and said I don’t know need her reminding me of my lived experience, and going out for a day in a group doesn’t mean I am getting back with him. I said I don’t think it’s fair to punish myself and miss something I was looking forward to because he had shitty actions/behaviors. She disagreed. She told me to cut him off entirely, block him, and tell him if he wants to see the kids he can take it up with a judge. I said I don’t agree with that, and his actions towards me are not reflective of his actions as a father. I said I firmly believe of distinguishing a difference between the two relationships, and I can’t block him if we have shared lives (kids, expenses entangles, etc.) like we still have a lot to figure out. She says she thinks going kayaking will let him think he behaviors were okay, and that it means I won’t actually leave him. She got a little harsh and said she was “speaking her mind” and said she doesn’t even know how can I be in the same room as him. I explained there’s mixed feelings because I hate him for what he did, but I do still have to figure it out and be an adult, it doesn’t mean I have to forgive him. She disagreed and said she needs to show tough love, and if I go down to the river this weekend then she will no be talking to me until I learn to respect myself. I don’t feel like I’m not respecting myself? I just really was looking forward to do this float.
Thoughts?
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I agree with you. Your friend is way out of line. You should be allowed to enjoy yourself and like you said, you still need to co-parent.
I agree with you, as a friend sure she can be concerned but to pretty much act like your mother and tell you what you need to do she is out of line. A healthy co-parent relationship is good especially for the sake of the kids. You also deserve to still go on this trip and be with your friends regardless of the situation.
Go have a good time. I say good riddance to this "friend". You won't get back together with him it you can still coparent with him. Geez...kinda sounds like she is projecting. You never want to put your kids through a court case just to see their dad. That's ridiculous. Just because he wronged you doesn't mean you should go all crazy and use everything as a weapon toward him. Good o. You for being the adult and not go all crazy on him.
Damn, like I get trying to make sure your friend doesn’t get hurt again, but she’s gotta understand that life doesn’t just revolve around what he did to you, that’s just making him seem more important than he actually is. My ex & I still have many of the same friends & we still wish each other’s family members happy birthdays & show up to funerals & such, my now hubs & I have been together since 9/1/2012, trust me, I would never do something as dumb as take my ex back, life is way too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t respect you, but we do share a past & we have a child together who needs to have adults in his life that can show him how to love & respect himself w/o letting it negatively affect others. I think this friend means well, she obviously can’t bear to see you hurt again, I had to cut most contact w/my late BFF bc she kept going back to her abusive SO “for the kids’ sake”, now they don’t have either parent, so I think your friend just needs you to sit her down……
If you know that you can handle yourself, not go back on decisions etc just because you’re in a good mood from a good day. Then she should’ve let it be after a comment and moved on to support not abandonment. Weird choice “best friend”.
I will say I do think it might a bit awkward to be broken up technically in a group of couples or are you going to fake together still? (I’ve done it for a holiday because I didn’t wanna be a lone back in the day, it sucked, everyone just kept being like poor little me)
BUT THATS YOUR CHOICE TO DEAL WITH. And not hers to be rude and judgmental and again cut contact instead of be there for support.
I get her being protective but it's not up to her. She should try to understand that it is best for the kids when co-parents can get along. She shouldn't have dragged out the conversation. Plus why drag out custody and all that when you two can do it peacefully together? I get when one of the parents are trying to cause problems, but it sounds like you both want whats best for the children and can work together to make that happen. She needs to get a grip and maybe seek therapy because she really seems to be taking this personally for some reason.
She sounds really controlling. Go live your life girly. I’d cut her out. She’s definitely very possessive of you. Not cool. You are handling this situation like a mature adult whom has children involved. She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.
Your friend has biggg feelings on a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with her. She needs to be her own person and stop trying to make decisions for you.
@Incognito Yes absolutely I get it now!! She doesn't get it!! She has this thing in her mind that this is how its gonna go and honestly it won't work. You realize the kids need their father and their mother. If they ain't together they still got to treat each other with respect. It shows the kids a good example! You go and enjoy the trip.
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