Vent
I really need to be honest for a minute because I’m struggling and I feel so alone in it. Please don't judge me.
I’m a week postpartum and I love my baby more than anything. I prayed so hard for this baby, but I’ve been having such a hard time that I feel like maybe I'm not cut out for this.
The sleep deprivation is too much. I’m barely getting any rest, maybe two hours a day spread out in 15-30 minute naps here and there. During the night when he’s crying and wiggling and won’t settle, I feel myself getting overwhelmed to the point I feel rage, and then it turns into this suicidal feeling that I can't do this. I hate even admitting that. I would never hurt him or myself, but in those moments I feel like I’m failing him.
I've had a few moments where I've gotten so frustrated with him, that I've raised my voice during changes or feeding when he won't latch. Afterward, once he's taken care of and down for a nap, I just sit there feeling horrible because he’s just a baby and he needs me, and I feel like a terrible mom for even getting upset with him.
During the day, I love playing with the baby and making him laugh. But at night it's like this complete flip. My lack of sleep kicks in, and my depression turns into rage. I just feel like a bad mom.
On top of that, I don’t feel like I’m getting the support I need from my husband or the nutrients to keep up with recovery and breastfeeding.
My husband helps sometimes, but really only with cooking me dinner and I have to ask multiple times. A lot of the responsibility for maintaining our home and caring for the baby is falling on me, especially at night, and I’m just exhausted physically and emotionally.
My husband was good for the first few days, but now he doesn't even hold the baby. He just sits on his phone after work, complaining that he's tired too. But he gets to sleep through the night, and I'm the one who sleeps for maybe 15-30 minutes max at a time.
We also don't have a lot of money. We are struggling so much financially and I have been eating one meal a day. I genuinely feel like I'm dying, my body is so weak and in so much pain. I've lost like 35lbs and it's only been a week. I have no postpartum pads, I've been folding newborn diapers and putting them in my underwear. I'm just so uncomfortable and my emotions are shot.
I feel like I'm losing my mind to be honest. I'm bipolar, but I've never felt a depression like this. It feels like depression on steroids. I'm on the verge of tears all the time and I'm just trying so hard to keep it all together.
Then this morning I just was so out of it, and I couldn't properly care for the baby. My husband was getting ready for work, and I was crying and just not having a good time, so he snapped at me and said "then why'd you even have the kid".
I don't know that comment really stuck with me.
I feel like deep down he doesn't want this baby or even what we have. I've felt like he misses the family he dreamt of with his ex, but I pushed that feeling aside until now.
After birth he compared our baby to his other son and it just reinforced that feeling. He also compared my labor to hers. I feel like he's just bringing her up every chance he gets. The way he won't even hold or interact with our baby, and that comment this morning, makes me feel like he doesn't want this anymore.
I love my husband and my baby so much. I don't want to lose my husband. I feel like he's pulling away and I just can't deal with that right now. I don't have the energy to focus on multiple things, so I need to direct the little energy I have to focus on our baby.
I'm sorry if this post is all over the place. I just need to get this all of my chest. I feel like I'm failing as a wife and mother.
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Firstly, well done for even getting these words out, that can be the hardest step! Secondly, everything you're feeling is totally valid, your hormones are still going to be absolutely wild at this point. Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer and messes with you, please don't feel like you're a bad person/mother/wife, everyone has moments like this I think!!
It's not helpful to say but you are very much in the trenches and I promise it will get better and easier but please please please try and get help! Don't know where you are in the world but contact a midwife or doctor or clinic (Google post-natal depression support in your area!) And try to tell them how you're feeling - you don't need to go through it alone!
Lastly, if you can, I'd try speaking to your husband and making it clear what support you need. You have to look after yourself if you're going to look after a baby, especially if breastfeeding! Ask if he can do some stretches in the nights and take on more of the load around the house.
You definitely need a support system outside of your husband and maybe see a doctor as well for how you've been feeling emotionally. Sometime talking it out and finding better solutions can really help and make a difference
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