Am I the asshole?
**Am I the asshole?**
I am just so angry and frustrated right now, and I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable.
My husband promised me the world while he was away for work. He kept saying things like, *"Take all the time you need. I owe you so much."* But since he's been home, nothing has really changed. The only thing I've managed to do for myself was get a haircut that I'd already booked before he left. He says all the right things, but when it comes to actually making my needs a priority, it rarely happens.
At the start of this year, I finally started an exercise class—something I'd wanted to do for ages. I even take our child with me, so it's not really "me time," but it's something that helps me. He told me he was proud of me for making a positive change and that he'd support me however I needed. Now our child's appointments have been scheduled on the same morning as my class and, without any discussion, it's just assumed I'll take our child because it's my day off.
I've also asked him so many times that the next time our child is sick, could he please take the time off because I've completely run out of personal leave. Every time he agrees. Then our child gets sick and suddenly it's, "I'm really busy at work," or, "I've got important deadlines." So I end up taking the leave anyway.
I think this is hitting me even harder because we just got back from a family trip. I was already feeling overwhelmed and told him I needed help. Instead, he disappeared for half a day to catch up with a friend without telling me when he'd be back, leaving me to manage everything. When I got upset, he said my family should have helped more instead.
I'm exhausted from being the one who coordinates all of our child's therapies, specialist appointments, paperwork, emails and scheduling. It's just assumed I'll organise it all. If something gets missed, it's somehow a huge issue. He says he'll help more, but unless I remind him repeatedly, it doesn't happen. Then I end up feeling like the nag.
Because I only work part-time, I constantly question whether I'm allowed to expect more from him, even though managing our child's additional needs feels like another full-time job.
Today's a perfect example. He suggested making gingerbread with our child after nap time. Sounds lovely—but who had to think ahead, make the dough earlier in the day and put it in the fridge to rest? Me. It feels like he sees the fun activity while I carry all the invisible planning that makes it possible.
Then after our child went to sleep, I said I had a headache and needed to lie down. Ten minutes later he came in and asked what he should meal prep.
We'd already planned the meals and done the grocery shopping together. I just couldn't understand why I still had to use my brain to make another decision after I'd literally said I was burnt out.
I lost it.
His response was that he asks because I've made him feel insecure—that if he doesn't check with me first, he'll do it wrong and I'll be unhappy.
And that's the part that's making me question myself.
Have I contributed to this? Am I too controlling? Have I corrected him so often over the years that he's lost confidence to just make decisions himself? Or is this an example of me carrying the mental load because it's easier if I just keep doing it?
I don't expect perfection. I don't need everything done exactly my way. I just want a partner who notices what needs doing, thinks beyond the obvious, follows through on what they say they'll do, and shares the mental load without me having to project manage every task.
Am I expecting too much, or am I just completely burnt out?
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