Autistic Husband

Does he not leave the situation while angry? Id honestly be suggesting some anger management or personal therapy for him. Im audhd and have anger issues. You cant let anger win, you can't act on anger, and you have to be able to understand words do hurt. Because you are right, it's confusing for kids and teaches them how to process their anger in unhealthy ways. Has he sought therapy on his own for this?

I saw a video once that explained why it seems after getting a diagnosis, symptoms seem to increase. It’s because the individual has been masking for so long that it is like, “oh ok, I have been doing this thing bc I was autistic.” And after that realization the masking breaks down a little. Now, this is NO excuse for bad behavior. Being autistic is not an excuse to be a d**k. Your emotions matter. And because you’re pregnant I would argue your emotions matter more. Every father’s emotions are important but I think a conversation (maybe with a third party, or maybe write him a letter explaining things. AI is awful, but it could help you explain how you feel is you type out everything and ask it to make a straightforward, intellectual letter to your husband. But with his new diagnosis, especially with it being hard for him, it would be a good idea for him to have a therapist if he doesn’t already. Some therapists offer sessions where a spouse can come in for a session and maybe that

The fact of the matter is that your husband was autistic long before the diagnosis. Therefore he was dealing with the same things he must now navigate and the only thing that has changed is a label. If he’s acting differently now then I would be questioning why. Does he suddenly think he has an excuse now?

Maybe I’m misreading? But it feels like you’re saying everything was more manageable before diagnosis so it’s either the diagnosis that’s the factor or the pregnancy (which happened soon after).

Now if it’s changes directly related to the fact that you’re pregnant, then you two need to have a conversation about how to manage his anger before your child arrives.

My husband has been a diagnosed higher functioning autistic for most of his life. He is also more literal, thrives on routine, and gets stressed with loud noise, etc. We are first time parents to our 12 week old daughter. The first few weeks postpartum were really hard for me emotionally. I already had a lot of anxiety around confrontation but I had to get used to having difficult conversations in love and respect. Autistic or not as the adult it is still his responsibility to regulate himself in healthy ways. If he is a verbal processor and you are struggling to help him meet this need, it is okay to ask him to find other support systems. Neither or you should be the other’s only person or friend to go to in times of hardship. You are both humans who deserve to have this emotional experiences validated. He needs to learn how to manage himself so that he can hold space for yours.

No no no!!! He’s still responsible for his emotions & how he responds when they overwhelm him. Yes, occasionally I or my kids might snip a bit, no different from my NT husband, but we do our best to go to our safe space so we’re not forcing others to deal w/our emotions on that scale bc their feelings matter too & if we want to be respected, we must be respectful. Once we can talk calmly, we come out & do so, we don’t use it as an excuse to be verbally abusive. I’ll be honest here, I’m not willing to spend a fortune to get diagnosed at my age, it’s incredibly difficult here & requires me going out of state & insurance doesn’t cover it, but it’s not as if it’s not obvious who our kids get it from, no matter how trained I am to hide it. I was born in the 80s, my brother was born in the 70s, so I wouldn’t be here if my parents hadn’t trained my brother, mom would’ve been sterilized & then they stuck to what they knew w/me & kept us from being labeled, jic, but we all know.

This sounds so hard, I’m so sorry!

Before I say this I want to make it super clear that if your husband is being abusive or trying to hurt you, get out of there. If the relationship has shown patterns of him using excuses to avoid accountability or dodge being there for you, get out of there—-this is just another verse of the same song!

But, if he’s a great guy (which I’m sure he is) and he’s just adjusting, you BOTH are the victims of some pretty poor timing! You are going through the hardest thing the human body can endure, and he is rethinking his whole life and how he reacts to things.

It’s you two versus these issues! I know it can be super easy to take these things personally but you’re on the same team! It’s just like having too many bills and not enough money in your bank accounts—you have to choose what to do with the resources you have now and then make a plan on how you’ll cover the rest. Then it’s patience!

https://youtu.be/l8LS881Tf2A?si=joq3RLj7wEoezge- clickbait title but I think this is a very interesting discussion