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Moms looking for friends

Feeling alone

I am four months postpartum and this season has been rough. I got laid off from work, had a family death, lack of family support and things with my partner have been challenging.

My partner works and now I don’t but before that, while on maternity leave, I have been and continue to be the primary caregiver of our son. My partner absolutely helps with groceries and cleaning, however it’s not really truly incorporating me. To be more specific he buys the bare minimum and only when I ask does he bring in what I want as part of the order. At this point, I just let it slide but his contribution to the baby activities have been weighing on me. With everything going on I confided in him that I was feeling very overwhelmed.

Prior to pregnancy, I was never an anxious person. Now I have to breathe to keep from hyperventilating or rub my palms against my thighs to slow me down. I can’t sleep because my mind is racing in between pumping. I have no one to speak to besides my therapist who I pay for and worry about the bill.

With that in mind, this weekend, I sent a text to my partner, who was in the other bedroom, asking when he was going to take our son. We had discussed him covering weekends exclusively since I took care of our son primarily during the week. On Saturday, I woke up to the baby so I fed him at 7am and was rocking and playing with him. My partner woke up at some point and put clothes in our washing machine, which were his and the baby’s and took a call. It was 10am and I was getting antsy about being left with the baby again. I needed to apply to jobs and prep for an upcoming interview. He knew this. So I texted. He said he was on the phone.

It infuriated me because I have taken therapy calls with my son, did an interview with my son (not on screen) and so on. I said, it would be great if communicated so that I know what’s going on since it was already past “our morning.” He marches into our bedroom and demands that I do not micromanage him. I’m pissed! I yell that we just talked about this two days ago! I don’t want to micromanage but you don’t stick to what you say. (This comes after I told him on Thursday that I needed a break at 5pm. I told him at 1pm. 5:09 comes and nothing happens. No reassurance, no sorry so I placed the baby in the bassinet and went out for air. I watched on the monitor as he ignored the baby crying and it broke my heart. He finally came to the baby and I just thought to myself how can he listen to him cry like that and what about his colleagues?) Back to Saturday, the argument escalates and I’m with our son the whole time sitting on the bed. He moves from the foot of the bed is now standing over me and starts pointing in my face and yelling. I yell for him to leave the room but he doesn’t really listen and I throw a bottle at his foot to make him jump back. He finally leaves the room but not after trying to immediately come back but I had locked the door. We don’t speak and I take care of our son for that day and pas him over to him at 5pm. I go to the bedroom and lock the door.

The next day I have an appointment with contractors for work being done to my own apartment. I go and spend time with our son and then I step out. He knew about this appointment. I come back midday since I miss our son and to pump some more. I see that our son is dressed and I find it a little weird because he never dresses him outside of a onesie for bed. He is dressed too but I’m not really minding it. He says he’s going out. I say okay and hug our son. Hours go by and I notice they are not back. I text him, hey are you still on your walk because that’s what we usually do with our son. He tells me no, he drove and is there a problem. Literally those words. No explanation. I get mad and worried. I send a bunch of texts saying that I have never left the neighborhood with our son and not said where I was going. I felt like this was his revenge for the micromanaging bs. He knows I am anxious. He finally tells me where they are and says they’ll be back in two hours. I know the place and my anger switches to the fact that he could find the initiative to dress our son to go out and hang with his friends than the initiative for a doctor’s visit or when I have asked for us to go the park.

I told my mom what happened and she talked to him and only then did he apologize for the hand in my face but nothing else.

At this very moment, he has our son in the other room and I hear them laughing and it hurts me. Like this little boy doesn’t understand how hurtful and non-supportive his father can be. I feel alone because he ensures he appears to be the nicest and quietest person in public.

Today, he had the nerve to ask me to go to the park and said it was his plan all along. It was just that Saturday happened. I just want to scream, are you serious?! Do you think I am an idiot?! Instead I just replied no.

I think I’m writing this to ensure I am not crazy. I don’t have any girlfriends, I’ve always been an introvert, and I feel a little ashamed to keep speaking to my guy friend about the situation and hate that I had to speak to my mom. Just need a little support if you can spare.