in

Incognito Only! 👻

Feeling resentful.... long no judgment pls

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have had our ups and down in our marriage we got together when I was 20 he was 19 I had just had my first son and he had step up to be his father since his real father stepped out. It was great he was great he wanted to do this i think thats what drew me to him. He told me there was no need for mw to work that should stay home and raise our son so I quit my job. He worked but we still struggled but he still insisted that stay home that i would just be paying for child care anyways . I wanted to wotk but he was right I would only be paying for child care, by the time my sons was of age to start school my daughter was born so I remained at home even though I wanted to work it just wasn't feasible for our family child care would have take everything i made (mind you im a high school drop out so any job i would have been able to get wouldnt pay much) so I started doing things on the side like babysitting and picking kids up from school cleaning house anything that would fit in the kids school schedule. We then ended up having to take on my husband nephew because of things with his family. Things started to get hard my husband started using substances to cope with the stress and so did i. We struggle in our marriage as well he started looking at porn and like any evey post he could on all social media platforms that had naked girls on random girls at first then it back commenting on those post and then it was girls that we went to school with i ignore that for years it hurt my feeling. But one day I found out he was talking to girl that we had went to school share things about our marriage with her and thats was where I said no all that need to stop. He had told me many times he would but I would always hear about something. He started getting deeper into the substances abuse and I backed off from the substance abuse. I would kick him out because it was to much, he would be gone for weeks at i time I never knew what he was doing and half the time where he was(i still dont know any of that to this day) but I felt abandoned while he was off fucking off I was at home with three kids trying to figure it out finally I told him it was either drugs or his family so he quit everything cold turkey ended up in the icu from quiting everything so abruptly. I was there as he recovered all his friends and alot of family left they were tired of the lies he would tell and money he owed. I stuck by this man through everything. I would fill out his unemployment papers and help him look for a job and then he got this job (best job hes every had) after about 1 year and half he was clean and sober and I was working on be clean and sober. We got an offer to move away from everything start new fresh and we did. Everything was great until I had picked up his phone and he left it on screen shot of naked girl and right next to those girls were my pictures that I sent to him so he wouldn't go looking for that kind of content I was heartbroken not only because of the picture but because I thought he was doing it in the past because he was fucked up and didnt care but he was sober doing this after me telling him I wasn't kool with that kinda stuff any more and that it was crossing boundaries he said ok he wouldn't do it any more but wait there's more!! Lol he did it again so we deleted all of our social media platforms then I found out his was goung on thses one hour hook up sit he said he never met anyone and was just looking at the tits and ass in his words. I didnt believe him its been in year since I found anything else but im still so weary to trust him.. so now my kids are pretty well grown and I've been trying to look for a job(mind you high school drop out and bow bo work history to show for it so im struggling to find a job ANYWHERE. we just found out that he maybe getting anew promotion at his job which may involves him having to go out of town every so often(which im not really comfortable with given the history) I am happy for him but I cant help but feel alot of resentment I think what if I had stay at working were would i be in a job and now that im almost 40 years old starting over and struggling to even get an interview like im a teenager while hes moving up in his job.. I feel like im being left in the dust ...and that if he starts going outta town that he will fall back into those old patterns I'm almost 40 years old and nothing to show for it im sad and now terrified thats he's gonna find something better then me its seems like hes already been looking and with this now promotion and him going out town possibly im over thinking on things that havent even happen....