Feeling very defeated

Do you ever trust again after cheating? its been like 4 years and I still don’t trust him. I want to move forward but idk how and he’s very emotionally avoidant imo, we do not communicate much at all or very well when we do. I feel he’s broke the trust and expected me to sit with it and resolve it alone. We got into an argument this morning cause he was going to start going to the gym randomly and I told him I wish we had worked on our trust issues over the years cause it just feels like Im going to get cheated on again and you’ll be staring at other women there or take the opportunity to cheat if given. He said thats not his problem and hes just going to excercise and he can’t live his life based on his past mistakes and that I was toxic and controlling. I told him how it was more toxic to avoid all communication and fixing of the trust after cheating on someone then to call them toxic every-time they display that they don’t trust you. I told him I feel like if he wanted to fix it he could have over the years and maybe I wouldn’t feel so weird about the gym or just us in general today. I left the house leaving him to watch our 4 year old bc i was so scared of spiraling about cheating while he’s at the gym that i made it so he couldn’t go. He said im going to go tomorrow and thats that you can deal with it and I get that its good for him but it doesnt feel good for me, i dont think ill be ok and im 6 months pregnant. I told him I didn’t want the stress and its scary to sit home and feel like you’re going to get cheated on. He cheated on me pregnant with my first multiple times up until our first was one years old. Theyre almost 5 now and our second is otw and I feel like the trust has improved but its just not there. Im scared him starting the gym will ruin my day to day and a will spiral and just have a horrible end of pregnancy and birth. I dont want to sit here and feel those horrible feelings again-I lost myself the first time. Im lost. I wish we just had a normal healthy relationship and he never did those things to start with.

in our community

No village , what do we do ?

My husband and I moved from Florida to Minnesota in Dec 2023. We had been trying for years for a LO and just left it to fate. If we were meant to have one , it’ll happen. Well it did , one year exactly after moving here. She’s 14 months now and the sunshine of our lives. The thing is we are alone here , we have our best friends but they are DINKS. So they aren’t too sure what to do or say to help us. What did you do ladies to build up a foundation ? It’s so hard breaking into these groups that have grown up together and making new friendships as an adult feels impossible. It has really made my husband pause and think should we actually try for a second baby? I would love another child , but he’s worried about us being here alone. I don’t want that fear to stop us from adding another best friend to our family. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. A picture of our sunshine ☀️

Need advice

Hi,

I hope you're all well.

I'm looking for soma advice if anyone has been in the same situation.

My little one is 3 months old, my partner has just started a new night shift job to try support me more ( hasn't worked out yet as he's sleeping all day because he's tired) and has reconnected with some old friends. He's told me that they take cocaine all the time, even at work. This weekend he had gone out with them, I'd asked him about the cocaine and he had said he's not doing it, even got defensive and mad telling me to leave it.

After checking his phone he did get some, and even went to get more spending £110. I'm really upset with the fact he's lied to me, I'd been at my mum's over the weekend so today he collected me, I'd tried to talk about it and tell him I know what he's done and I'm not happy about it, he's lied to me and hurt me. He just gets defensive and dismissive and turns it round on me that I've been on his back about the job, sleeping all day, I'm checking his phone ( I literally checked one chat to confirm my suspicions) and I've been at my mum's slagging him off. It just turns into an argument and he doesn't listen to what I have to say. I really don't know what to do, I feel so resentful towards him and feel as though I cannot continue the relationship anymore but I love him so much.

He struggles with an addictive personality and smokes weed daily, even had begun trying to lie about it so I'm worried this will turn into another addicion.

Just the fact that this is the only time we have together now and he would rather go out and do this than spend time as a family has also really hurt me.

I'm not sure how to go about this.

Any advice?
Thank you

Husband too conservative?

Hi, this is a strange post but I was wondering how open your partners are. My partner (before we married) was always quite conservative and shy in that he didn’t always want to open up on stuff. I understood this because of the way his childhood was.

Now, we’re older, married and have a little boy and sometimes he can still be weird in that he doesn’t always want to share whereas I am very open telling stories to every tiny detail.

Now, we’ve been just been a trip for a few days separately but in a similar area. Him to see friends and me to see family with the little one. We got back today and suddenly at dinner he asked if I could drop our son to the childminder tomorrow. Now, usually he drops him off and picks him up as it is somewhat on his way to work (less than a 10 minute detour). They leave the house at 7am and I start work at 9am but do house jobs before I start. Now, if I were to drop him to the childminder I would loose an hour of getting jobs done I would then have to do tomorrow evening.

When asked why he needs me to drop him off he replied “none of your business” (something he says every now and then to certain questions). I then said no and we didn’t really discuss it further. Then right before bed, he said in a joking way “thank you for dropping him off tomorrow” and I replied no, I’m not doing it. I then tried asking again why he needs me to do it and he just won’t tell me.

I said, if you refuse to tell me then I refuse to take him. I said if he were to tell me why then I could reconsider but if not then why should I loose an hour of my time when he is going that way anyway.

He then got grumpy/annoyed and didn’t want to talk so I went to sleep in the other room. Obviously now typing this!

Any advice or insight into other husbands and how open they are? I must say it does bother me

please tell me it gets easier

i have a 2years and 4months old, and a 9 week old. My partner works shifts, this week he’s been on late lates so i’ve been doing basically everything myself as he’s not home until 10pm-1am. I’m loosing my mind. I’m completely alone; loosing my rag at my toddler and i can’t bear holding the baby while he screams at me. They are both incredibly low-sleep-needs-children and I cannot bear having so little time to myself. I’ve not brushed my teeth for about four days. Not showered in a week. The only time I get to myself I genuinely just scare at the ceiling and disassociate. I hate every part of this phase and if i hear “you’ll miss it one day” i think i’ll actually bounce my head off a wall. I’m not enjoying it at all, i don’t feel like a good mother and im barely getting through the days. if i had anyone around that i could call so i could just leave for a few hours i would but theres no one around me.

If you have two babies, please tell me it gets easier, will it be when the boys can start interacting more, or playing together? I don’t know how long I can be in this tug of war of them both needing me constantly and i feel like a complete fucking failure. I’m at a point where I just don’t want to do this anymore. Is that normal or am i a really really shit vile mom?

Cereal in baby’s milk?

When are you guys adding cereal to baby’s milk??? My baby is 3 weeks old my mom and Aunt suggest starting the cereal just a little, but I don’t know how to feel about it. He’s eating almost 4 ounces every 3 to five hours and an ounce every 1 to 2 hours depending on how he’s feeling. I do not schedule feed I feed when he’s hungry and I go off of his cues. I can usually tell he’s hungry if he’s fussy and when he takes his Binky aggressively. not sure how to feel about the cereal or if I should try it and see how it goes.

Advice please (sorry its long)

Advice please anyone. I'm 28 weeks and live 6 hours from family. Throughout my pregnancy family have been very quiet and none have visited at all, I on the other hand have booked and paid for 2 seperate holidays for my mum and my uncle.. flights, hotels, hold bags, meals out, day trips, the lot, and a concert, and made the journey up to them each time driving them about, I dont have the money, but as it was a big birthday this year for my mum I wanted to make it a special year and used my savings and credit card to do so, my uncle came along and i didn't realise i'd be paying for him too, but that's how it landed. I get called on often to be vented to (as im outside the circle) but very seldom if ever am i asked how I am. Truth is i have really struggled and I have tried to mention it, it falls on deaf ears, i'll be a 38 year old first time mum, this pregnancy has been full off nausea and scares and worry and I have 6 years of failed pregnancies before now, so it's really been really scary and quite lonely and upsetting that noone has bothered to check in. Infact, for over a month i was completely ignored by my mum right before the last holiday. Then the holiday came and went, i drove 6 hours to pick them up then 4 hours to the airport, then the same on the return, then after getting home, she told me how bad the last few weeks have been because she has car insurance to sort out and asked me to pay for it, I had to say no because I genuinely didnt have it, then somehow an argument started and I had to end the call. So eventually 2 days ago, i just broke, and broke down to my other half, cried all day at how invisable i feel and how nothing i do is ever enough for my family, and he messaged my dad ( who is seperated from my mum and the rest of the family) who then called me.. and then out it all come to him. Apparently he then spoke to my mum and now, i have just found out that since yesterday it was decided and i'm now supposed to drive 6 hours up to them 6 weeks before my due date, because now out the blue theres going to be a baby shower for me. All of a sudden (within 2 days or talking to my dad) aunties are messaging asking how i am, my mum is being very sweet. She sent me a video of her either all the family and saying 'all say hello' (to me) and it was so forced and awkward and they all started to talk about how much weight i'd gained when they'd seen me last, it was horrible to watch, sweet in a way on my mums part, but just uncomfortable as everyone else seemed so 'why are we doing this'. Anyway.. at this point, Am I being petulant, or can I just say no to this? I cant help but feel this isn't for me at all but to make them feel better, and noone even asked, they just told my partner to bring me up and sort it out, meaning us paying for fuel, a hotel, taking time from work, sorting the dog out etc.. and all 6 weeks and 3 days before i'm due. It really annoyed me when i found out, am I just being hormonal? Or spoilt? Or am I rightly annoyed? I feel like just hibernating from everyone at this point. The whole thing just feels so awkward. I never wanted a fuss from anyone, certainly not gifts, I just really felt the lack of compassion.