Always waiting for older sister.

I am here to vent.

For 10 years now I have been hearing things like “you cant get married before your sister”, “you cant have more than your sister”, “we can’t do that for you because we haven’t given the same / similar thing to your sister”. I’m so sick of this. I am in my 30s now. She a couple years older than me. Always got more than me / the more expensive things and I was ok with that because she is older.

Now it’s too much. She had a big expensive wedding, I never had a wedding as I got pregnant 5 years after waiting years for her to marry. She married straight after she found out I was pregnant.

I was having another baby unexpextedly after my first and I was crusified for it beyond any of you readers can understand. I was shouted at and treated terribly while being 8 months pregnant by my own parents as she was not pregnant yet.

They continued to treat me badly after the baby was born for a year.

After her baby was born everyone decided to forget how much they hated me.

Please be aware I never wanted children like this. And I feel terrible about myself everyday because of it. I wish I had the pride she had by being married before kids but I will never have that. I blame them for not having what I wanted.

Now my kids are older I want an extension on my house (my dad is a builder and gets cheap rates it would save us thousands). Well it has to be her house first even though he has spend all his money on her ground floor extension and garden. (now she wants second story extension).

I would do it without him and try to get the cheapest rate myself but he will probably act like I have betrayed him by employing someone else to do the work. It needs to be done now as kids will go to school soon.

I’m just very pissed off but I am not surprised obviously after everything.

My partner is very angry we can’t do what we want especially as I used all my money to buy this house.

Read more on Peanut

The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.

Learn more about our guidelines.

Add a comment

It must be hard living in someone's shadow all your life. I wonder though why you haven't reached the point yet where enough is enough and stopped expecting them to do things for you. Why you've let them continue to see you after shouting at you like that? Why you thought it was actually necessary to wait before living your own life? That's no way to exist, time to grow up (in the nicest way, like find the strength to leave that mentality behind) and do your own thing with your own family, stop comparing, stop caring, if they're mad so be it. I don't see any positives that your family is bringing to your life so find some distance and some peace.

I am so sorry you've been through all of this 🥺 I just wanted to say that none of this is ok in any way shape or form. You are your own person and a fully grown adult 💗 you're better than me for staying by them all this time XX I would be getting them told exactly how you feel! Xx

Id still get another builder in, and when they complain you "betrayed" your dad. Just say no i didnt, i paid someone to give me what i wanted not wait to see if im allowed to based on what my sister wants.

You need to go NC with them. They are not good for you or your mh but just imagine how they will treat your children as they grow up and how they will feel. Is that the future you want for them? X

Im so sorry this is happening to you.

Advocate for yourself. Life is too short to be waiting for someone else. Do what is right for you and your little family.

I would tell them to fuck off personally. Your sisters life is not your life. Get that extension built by someone else. When your parents complain just tell them straight. Its your life and you will do what you want when you want and they can just fuck off.

Im a very straight person. But thankfully my parents are great. Show your kids the strong you.

You got this. Xxxxxxx

Find a new job, you need to separate yourself from them they are actually abusing you and you don't even realise.

Would you ever think of treating your children like that? No, because it's abuse!

Can i ask you this? Are u a muslim? I thought this used to happen years back and not now . I would advise u u stand up for yourself . This doesnt mean disrespecting your parents but let them know u re big enough and have ur own family to care for. If u dont set boundaries now my love u will never have ur freedom . How can u even have a partner and the partner doesnt even have a say. Think about this: did ur dad s parents give him such behaviours like he is towards u? If no then my dear learn to think about urself and the new family u re creating . This is insane in this century!!!

i'm sorry to hear this, sibling relationships are very much at the hands of the parents ! i'd say all of the above...you know what is best listen to your gut...& if i was you i'd show my children we don't allow people to control us.. don't let them see this happening anymore..live the life you truly want for you and your family that you have created ! i'm no contact with my older sister for similar & i know longer feel guilty for the life i choose to live with my family 🤍

in our community

Always waiting for older sister.

please tell me it gets easier

i have a 2years and 4months old, and a 9 week old. My partner works shifts, this week he’s been on late lates so i’ve been doing basically everything myself as he’s not home until 10pm-1am. I’m loosing my mind. I’m completely alone; loosing my rag at my toddler and i can’t bear holding the baby while he screams at me. They are both incredibly low-sleep-needs-children and I cannot bear having so little time to myself. I’ve not brushed my teeth for about four days. Not showered in a week. The only time I get to myself I genuinely just scare at the ceiling and disassociate. I hate every part of this phase and if i hear “you’ll miss it one day” i think i’ll actually bounce my head off a wall. I’m not enjoying it at all, i don’t feel like a good mother and im barely getting through the days. if i had anyone around that i could call so i could just leave for a few hours i would but theres no one around me.

If you have two babies, please tell me it gets easier, will it be when the boys can start interacting more, or playing together? I don’t know how long I can be in this tug of war of them both needing me constantly and i feel like a complete fucking failure. I’m at a point where I just don’t want to do this anymore. Is that normal or am i a really really shit vile mom?

Husband too conservative?

Hi, this is a strange post but I was wondering how open your partners are. My partner (before we married) was always quite conservative and shy in that he didn’t always want to open up on stuff. I understood this because of the way his childhood was.

Now, we’re older, married and have a little boy and sometimes he can still be weird in that he doesn’t always want to share whereas I am very open telling stories to every tiny detail.

Now, we’ve been just been a trip for a few days separately but in a similar area. Him to see friends and me to see family with the little one. We got back today and suddenly at dinner he asked if I could drop our son to the childminder tomorrow. Now, usually he drops him off and picks him up as it is somewhat on his way to work (less than a 10 minute detour). They leave the house at 7am and I start work at 9am but do house jobs before I start. Now, if I were to drop him to the childminder I would loose an hour of getting jobs done I would then have to do tomorrow evening.

When asked why he needs me to drop him off he replied “none of your business” (something he says every now and then to certain questions). I then said no and we didn’t really discuss it further. Then right before bed, he said in a joking way “thank you for dropping him off tomorrow” and I replied no, I’m not doing it. I then tried asking again why he needs me to do it and he just won’t tell me.

I said, if you refuse to tell me then I refuse to take him. I said if he were to tell me why then I could reconsider but if not then why should I loose an hour of my time when he is going that way anyway.

He then got grumpy/annoyed and didn’t want to talk so I went to sleep in the other room. Obviously now typing this!

Any advice or insight into other husbands and how open they are? I must say it does bother me

No helping my crying baby

Anybody else just accepted the fact that their baby is a cryer? I can understand crying when in discomfort but my baby cries when being comforted 😩 if I hold him a certain way he cries, if I move to get comfortable he cries, the only way I can rock him to sleep is if I’m on my yoga ball. He cries because he’s tired but then fights the sleep. Love 2 dream swaddle does nothing for him, he still fidgets like mad 😩 when he’s ready to wake before he even opens his eyes he’s crying. White noise he doesn’t respond to. Cries during car journeys. I’ve not even had dinner today because I just can’t put him down. If he could he would probably cry all day.

I’ve tried things for colic, currently seeing if it’s reflux but honestly I just think my baby just wants to cry 😩 I thought at 10 weeks I’d start to see some sort of decline with the crying but it’s been like this since the day he was born! It’s either I continue to pray he grows out of this so I can enjoy this motherhood a bit more or I’m just stuck with a crying baby (that I love to bits)

Advice please (sorry its long)

Advice please anyone. I'm 28 weeks and live 6 hours from family. Throughout my pregnancy family have been very quiet and none have visited at all, I on the other hand have booked and paid for 2 seperate holidays for my mum and my uncle.. flights, hotels, hold bags, meals out, day trips, the lot, and a concert, and made the journey up to them each time driving them about, I dont have the money, but as it was a big birthday this year for my mum I wanted to make it a special year and used my savings and credit card to do so, my uncle came along and i didn't realise i'd be paying for him too, but that's how it landed. I get called on often to be vented to (as im outside the circle) but very seldom if ever am i asked how I am. Truth is i have really struggled and I have tried to mention it, it falls on deaf ears, i'll be a 38 year old first time mum, this pregnancy has been full off nausea and scares and worry and I have 6 years of failed pregnancies before now, so it's really been really scary and quite lonely and upsetting that noone has bothered to check in. Infact, for over a month i was completely ignored by my mum right before the last holiday. Then the holiday came and went, i drove 6 hours to pick them up then 4 hours to the airport, then the same on the return, then after getting home, she told me how bad the last few weeks have been because she has car insurance to sort out and asked me to pay for it, I had to say no because I genuinely didnt have it, then somehow an argument started and I had to end the call. So eventually 2 days ago, i just broke, and broke down to my other half, cried all day at how invisable i feel and how nothing i do is ever enough for my family, and he messaged my dad ( who is seperated from my mum and the rest of the family) who then called me.. and then out it all come to him. Apparently he then spoke to my mum and now, i have just found out that since yesterday it was decided and i'm now supposed to drive 6 hours up to them 6 weeks before my due date, because now out the blue theres going to be a baby shower for me. All of a sudden (within 2 days or talking to my dad) aunties are messaging asking how i am, my mum is being very sweet. She sent me a video of her either all the family and saying 'all say hello' (to me) and it was so forced and awkward and they all started to talk about how much weight i'd gained when they'd seen me last, it was horrible to watch, sweet in a way on my mums part, but just uncomfortable as everyone else seemed so 'why are we doing this'. Anyway.. at this point, Am I being petulant, or can I just say no to this? I cant help but feel this isn't for me at all but to make them feel better, and noone even asked, they just told my partner to bring me up and sort it out, meaning us paying for fuel, a hotel, taking time from work, sorting the dog out etc.. and all 6 weeks and 3 days before i'm due. It really annoyed me when i found out, am I just being hormonal? Or spoilt? Or am I rightly annoyed? I feel like just hibernating from everyone at this point. The whole thing just feels so awkward. I never wanted a fuss from anyone, certainly not gifts, I just really felt the lack of compassion.

Nesting

I’m 33+2, I keep seeing reels about how people are like psychotically nesting in the third trimester, the whole expectation vs reality shtick showing people scrubbing ovens and wiping skirting boards… am I the only one not getting that..? I begrudgingly did my normal weekly clean yesterday and hoovered and mopped and it nearly killed me off, and I certainly didn’t do it for fun.

Always waiting for older sister.

Trending

in our community

Always waiting for older sister.

please tell me it gets easier

Husband too conservative?

No helping my crying baby

Advice please (sorry its long)

Nesting