Burn out and feel alone
My baby (first child) is 10m and I’m beyond exhausted. Since he was born I’ve been doing majority of the parenting. My partner says things like “you do it better” and “you’ve worked with kids so I’ll learn from you” all the time, but I’m a first time parent too. He managed to sleep through most of the newborn stage while I was recovering from an emergency section - slept through alarms set to give me a chance to sleep, slept through the baby crying and ME crying trying to wake him up. I didn’t have the energy to be angry about anything so I left it.
Our baby is now 10 months and I still feel like I’m always solo parenting. He’s said things like “take the highchair upstairs” when I’ve said I haven’t been able to shower because the baby is mobile now so I can’t just have him in the bathroom and “get your mum to look after him” when I say I need time to study (I’m retraining and have until Feb to complete my coursework). My partner gets up at 5am to have some time to himself to watch tv and play PlayStation before going to work so that’s when my solo parenting starts - baby wakes between 6:30/7 but he moves a lot in our bed so I can’t get proper sleep if it’s just me and him in there in case he bumps etc. partner goes to work between 7-8, comes home between 4-6 (I don’t mind this- I signed up for being the stay at home parent for now) but when he gets home he’s on his phone or washing bottles (which is helpful) rather than spending time with our baby. I put our son to bed at 7:30 and he usually makes dinner. We watch what he wants on tv, then go to bed and baby is usually in our bed from around 4am (teething currently so a lot earlier than this)
I don’t get a break. Managed 5 minutes on the kitchen floor to sit down and was instantly needed agin to look after the baby. I used to beg him to take our son for a bit when he finishes work so I can have a break but that never happens so I stopped wasting my breath but I’m now so resentful and burnt out I can’t be a good parent to my son anymore and I don’t want my partner near me and it’s killing me. I genuinely sometimes think that if I knew it would be like this I never would have had a child. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried
To talk about how I feel but he either doesn’t look up from his phone, changes the subject, or flat out doesn’t respond when I speak so I give up.
He steps in and takes the baby when I’m at breaking point but I need him to not keep letting it get to that before taking him. Of course this is just one side of it and I’m sure he sees it differently but it’s how I feel and I just need a break.
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Please tell him all of this, he is a parent too and should be doing more to support you. Yes he needs down time but so do you, also remind that you are also a first time parent and having experience with children helps but doesn’t prepare you for parenthood. I am sorry you are going trhough this
If he can get up to play the play station he can get up to look after his baby from when he wakes. When your son wakes up just take him to where he’s playing on his game and then go get back in bed
Show him this message, if he can’t feel the desperation and sadness in what you’re saying in this then I’m not sure anything will make him see. I feel for you I’ve had similar conversations mines 8months and its been so hard if it wasn’t for how much you love them there could be some real regret. I just hand him the baby and I go shower now I don’t ask I just go and he’s got used to it. X
I could have written this tbh, I have no advice because my situation is the same unfortunately. Also too burnt out to even explain these things because he doesn't get it.
I just find this so sad if you’ve both decided to have a baby then why does he think he shouldn’t be parenting when he’s home for work. Have you got some friends you could plan a breakfast/lunch or dinner out with that he would be forced to have the baby? Maybe he needs some time alone with the baby when you’re not there to be a bit more proactive where you are there or to see how much you do. My partner was like this for the first couple of months of having our baby as I also work with children so he just though oh well she knows what she’s doing but I started to plan some time out with family or friends which meant he had to have the baby now he knows when he gets home and had a shower he takes over for a while to give me a break as he’s more confident with him.
This is so sad and unfortunately familiar. I think show him this message you’ve posted but I wouldn’t re say all you’ve already said. Conserve your energy. I’m sure you’ve explained it perfectly multiple times and shown it through your behaviour and tears.
I agree with just putting baby with him and going to shower. Maybe even planning this for when he gets home each day! Even doing the same and going for a walk.
Try and take a few mins for yourself when you can. Eat when baby eats. Nap when baby naps etc. Going out with baby in pram to places you like too.
Thinking of you x
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Burn out and feel alone
My baby (first child) is 10m and I’m beyond exhausted. Since he was born I’ve been doing majority of the parenting. My partner says things like “you do it better” and “you’ve worked with kids so I’ll learn from you” all the time, but I’m a first time parent too. He managed to sleep through most of the newborn stage while I was recovering from an emergency section - slept through alarms set to give me a chance to sleep, slept through the baby crying and ME crying trying to wake him up. I didn’t have the energy to be angry about anything so I left it.
Our baby is now 10 months and I still feel like I’m always solo parenting. He’s said things like “take the highchair upstairs” when I’ve said I haven’t been able to shower because the baby is mobile now so I can’t just have him in the bathroom and “get your mum to look after him” when I say I need time to study (I’m retraining and have until Feb to complete my coursework). My partner gets up at 5am to have some time to himself to watch tv and play PlayStation before going to work so that’s when my solo parenting starts - baby wakes between 6:30/7 but he moves a lot in our bed so I can’t get proper sleep if it’s just me and him in there in case he bumps etc. partner goes to work between 7-8, comes home between 4-6 (I don’t mind this- I signed up for being the stay at home parent for now) but when he gets home he’s on his phone or washing bottles (which is helpful) rather than spending time with our baby. I put our son to bed at 7:30 and he usually makes dinner. We watch what he wants on tv, then go to bed and baby is usually in our bed from around 4am (teething currently so a lot earlier than this)
I don’t get a break. Managed 5 minutes on the kitchen floor to sit down and was instantly needed agin to look after the baby. I used to beg him to take our son for a bit when he finishes work so I can have a break but that never happens so I stopped wasting my breath but I’m now so resentful and burnt out I can’t be a good parent to my son anymore and I don’t want my partner near me and it’s killing me. I genuinely sometimes think that if I knew it would be like this I never would have had a child. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried
To talk about how I feel but he either doesn’t look up from his phone, changes the subject, or flat out doesn’t respond when I speak so I give up.
He steps in and takes the baby when I’m at breaking point but I need him to not keep letting it get to that before taking him. Of course this is just one side of it and I’m sure he sees it differently but it’s how I feel and I just need a break.
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Ok so reality hit - we did a crappy job
We came to the realisation last night that maybe we have done a crappy job parenting.
It came after our toddler threw a massive tantrums.
Our nursery have been telling us about behavioural issues but at home or anything other setting it never seemed bad.
Like she is not a bad kid.
We recognised she does not listen all the time. But we thought what toddler does.
We haven't been consistent with disciplining her when she is naughty. We have basically survived on distraction technique which is our f up.
So starting today we are trying to make changes to hopefully manage this behavioir.
She is verrrry strong willed. Like I have never seen a kid this strong willed before. And I think that's why we used distraction to avoid massive tantrums
Any tips?
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Discipline
How are we correcting unwanted behaviors? My LO is almost 18 months (10/6) and is already having tantrums. Thankfully they’re short. She’ll lay herself down if she can (instead of throwing herself to the ground lol) or just cry for a quick moment. To me, it’s normal for her age and I try not to acknowledge it so she’s not encouraged to continue for the attention. However, my mom and grandma believe she’ll need to start getting poppings in order to stop them. “If your child does xyz then they’re bad.” I guess I want to use more of a mindful approach in parenting? I’m thinking long term how it’ll teach her that negative emotions aren’t allowed when that’s not true. Idk I just feel like I’m on an island when it comes to this. I want different so I have to do different. I don’t want an entitled child but I also don’t want a child who was beaten into submission if that makes sense. Would love any book recommendations as well
7
I’m so angry I need to vent
My baby daddy/ex-husband is pissed off about child support. Ok. Whatever. But last night was the last straw. He went off. He started back up with the berating me and calling me names and racial slurs. All because he mad that he has to actually take care of the kids while they’re with him. He then proceeded to tell my 8 year old son who’s sitting right in front of him that he no longer has a father and slams my car door almost pinching our 7 month old son’s hand in the process. Like seriously?! When my boys and I finally got back into our home, my eldest told me that his dad never fed him or the baby. I’m just so enraged right now. Yes, we’re going through a divorce and yes, the custody battle is so messed up, but that is no excuse for the way acted last night and I am so mad.
Sorry. Rant/venting over lol
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3
Can I just rant about my husband rq
He's trying to tone police me, saying I am saying things when I mean something else. Example:
I was in my therapy appointment for and hour. Come out and he's eating lunch, my kid is eating cookies.
Me"Did he eat his lunch?"
Him"I thought you gave him something earlier"
Me"yes I gave him breakfast, it's lunch time and you gave him cookies?"
I walk away. Whatever I'll go to the bathroom and then make something for him and myself.
Come back to the kitchen and he's cooking an egg.
Me"is that for (child)"
Him "obviously why would I be here if it wasn't"
Me " oh I didn't know, cool"
Him" why do you have to ask obvious questions"
Me " excuse me? I was just trying to clarify"
Him" you need to watch your tone, your clearly judging me. That's why you said it that way earlier too, your judging me for eating and not feeding him"
Me "no I meant what I said about clarifying, my tone was t aggressive and I didn't curse or call you names. Stop tone policing me.
Him"no you said it that way but what you really meant was that I suck because I'm eating and I didn't feed him anything"
Me"dude you are not in my brain, I meant what I said and that's it"
Him"you don't know it but your doing it unconsciously"
Me" you are in my brain??? You know why I do things subconsciously?? What are you talking about??"
Anyway there's more but I'm tired of typing.
I hate this shit why does he have to be so difficult to communicate withhhhhhhhh
3
Venting
I am so drained. My husband goes out of town for work from time to time and it makes me feel so relieved, I feel my best when he's away and I don't have to be around him. I feel like a better mom and overall person. So sad but it's true. I just feel so stressed out and overwhelmed when he is around it's like it physically and mentally takes a toll on me. It just feels like he doesn't add much value to me but he expects the full on pamper treatment; food, sex, I have to pick up after him because he just leaves messes everywhere while he works and goes to the gym and gives undivided attention to his friends. I am so stressed out that I can't get a good night sleep next to this man. I've tried going into a different room for like a month when we were arguing and oh my gosh it was the absolute best except for the silent treatment and arguing. I was just able to focus on myself and do my routines without the constant interruption and input of someone else. I'm a SAHM, and I am exhausted and feel emotionally detached from this man. And emotional connection is super important to me especially when it comes to sex, I just have no desire to sleep with this man. And it's sad because I desire intimacy but just not with him... idk, I'm just venting, it's sad, and exhausting. I just feel drained and not like I can be myself when he is around and it just makes me feel really sad about my marriage. I want to just focus on myself and my kids but it's Iike he's still around and I have to do stuff for him... I feel awful talking about MY husband like this but I can't keep holding it in.
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