in

England

I feel abused, or am I just depressed

I'm contemplating reaching out to perinatal services or the Samaritans because I feel like this is more than just postnatal depression. I feel like what I'm experiencing in my relationship may be abuse.

I've been with my husband just over 1 year. We have a planned 16-day-old son and married in February 2026. I never felt we'd rushed things at the time, but looking back, I wish I'd got to know him more because after how he's treated me throughout pregnancy and postpartum, I don't think I would be with him now.

When I met him, we had a whirlwind romance. I'd never felt so seen, appreciated or loved. We were long-distance, got engaged after 3 months, became pregnant after 3 months and married after 5. He left the USA for the UK, arriving when I was already 6 months pregnant.

There were signs early on. He would debate with me about absolutely everything and has openly said he enjoys debating. I've told him I don't enjoy it and that it makes me feel less of a person because I'm not capable of debating in the same way. When I become overwhelmed and want to end the conversation, he says things like, "you just can't handle being wrong" or "you always want to get your own way."

Because our relationship progressed so quickly, I've felt pressure to portray us as the perfect couple. I've not been truthful about how he treats me. I've recently confided in 1 friend and realised how much I've changed.

My friend says I'm not myself around him, and I agree. I feel on edge sharing opinions or discussing certain subjects. I change the subject around friends if I know David has a strong opinion. I fear people will dislike him and then worry about me, so I feel like I'm protecting our image.

The most severe issue has been breastfeeding.

We discussed exclusively breastfeeding before our son was conceived. Because of that, he believes I'm not allowed to "go against what we agreed to."

I've told him it's painful, makes me feel sick, is affecting my mental health, stops me resting, pumping is exhausting, I'm not bonding with my son and that it is simply too much. Despite this, he continues to pressure me and make me feel I have to endure it.

He has seen me extremely upset. I disassociate, sob most days, become restless, barely talk and feel unable to comfort my son. Yet he still tells me to push through.

He's compared me to other women, saying other women can do it so I can too, and that 2 weeks isn't long enough. When I explain my own experience, he keeps bringing up more arguments until they become personal. He has made me feel like a failure as a mother. He says formula ingredients are "fucking shit" and tells me that using formula is depriving our son of a good microbiome and potentially affecting his long-term health.

The constant guilt, pressure, comparison and personal comments have made me emotionally numb. I feel like I have no say and HAVE to do what he says or I'm failing my son and family.

He says I can "do what I want", but if doing what I want results in him becoming angry, hurtful or making me feel guilty, I don't actually feel like I have a choice.

I begged to use formula when necessary because I'm trying to establish a supply while also feeding my son. But our son is demanding more milk, my supply runs out before I can replenish it, and he sometimes wants to feed again within an hour. I'm not getting enough time between feeding and pumping to eat, sleep, shower or recover.

We agreed to use formula at night. We gave our son a 3oz bottle. The next morning, after the health visitor left, David questioned the empty bottle. I said I'd used all of it. He became angry and said, "that's not what we agreed to." He made me feel like I'd deliberately done something wrong.

I explained I'd understood our agreement to mean formula could be used during the night when needed. Rather than accepting a misunderstanding, he continued going on at me, making me feel disobedient and out of control.

This is also my son. My preferences, wellbeing, mental health, sleep deprivation and physical pain matter too. I was still waking every 2 hours and pumping from 9pm-7am to build a supply. I was exhausted.

I'm not enjoying life at all. The pressure and guilt from my husband makes everything feel almost unbearable.

When I called him controlling and said he'd taken away my voice and right to choose, he didn't listen. He argued why his point of view was more important and returned to the fact that breastfeeding was what we originally agreed to.

He keeps saying "WE", as though breastfeeding is a team effort, but I don't feel like he's carrying the burden. I'm the one who has bought everything to make it easier: nipple shields, 2 pumps, silver nipple covers, creams, breastfeeding pillows, hot/cold pads and more.

Occasionally he'll praise me for producing milk and bottling it, but it doesn't feel like genuine praise for my wellbeing or what I actually want. Breastfeeding has taken away the time I should be using to bond with my son. In the 2-3 hours between feeds, I feel like a milk producer, constantly feeding or pumping.

He doesn't consistently help wash bottles unless I ask. It feels like another job I've been given because I'm not exclusively breastfeeding. His attitude is that I have to push through because "all women do."

I'm neurodivergent and have ADHD and complex trauma. I can become extremely overstimulated by certain sounds and sensations. Despite knowing this, he doesn't seem to consider it a legitimate factor in my suffering.

When there is tension in the household, even something small, his care for me disappears. He won't speak to me or look at me. He doesn't think to cook, offer me food or bring me water, yet expects me to physically drain myself to produce milk.

There have been days where I've barely left the bedroom from waking until sleep, functioning purely to feed my son. I don't feel nurtured.

Pregnancy was similar. It took a long time to convince him I couldn't simply sit and rest 24/7, particularly because he wasn't taking on the mental load. I've had multiple "crash outs" after reaching my limit.

There have been incidents where he's verbally abused me and called me names. On one occasion, a 5 litre bottle of water fell from ceiling height onto me and knocked me down while I was 8 months pregnant. I was left crying and hurt on the kitchen floor. Instead of helping me, he blamed me for "doing too much when I should be resting" and left the room.

I wasn't doing something reckless. I was getting ingredients from a cupboard to make his favourite cake to celebrate another month of him living in the UK.

He rarely takes accountability. I'm left feeling hurt and less in love with him.

This is only a small percentage of why I'm questioning our marriage.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. Pregnancy and postpartum have destroyed me mentally. I've lashed out emotionally and physically at my husband and take responsibility for that. But I also feel I've repeatedly been pushed beyond what I can cope with.

I thought I'd be nurtured, protected and consistently loved during the most vulnerable periods of my life. Instead, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

The confusing part is that David genuinely makes me smile and laugh. He can make me cry from admiration. He's hilarious, loving and kind when he wants to be. I consider him my best friend. But it doesn't take much for the script to flip and everything becomes unbearable.

I've started becoming silent about things. The nice moments don't always feel nice because I'm waiting for the next argument. I'm monitoring myself.

If I told him this, I believe he'd say stress is a choice, because he's said that before. He'd probably say I'm choosing to be anxious about our relationship and jeopardising our future.

But I don't feel like I'm choosing this.

I feel like I've slowly lost my voice in my own relationship, and I'm questioning whether this is simply postnatal depression or whether I'm also experiencing controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour.

I feel lost, exhausted, numb and increasingly disconnected from my son and my husband. I don't know what to do anymore.