Reciprocal IVF anyone?

I'm carrying my wife's embryo and we don't know anyone else who has done this. We are both finding it emotional in surprising ways and The Baby Show organisers kindly invited us to write a blog about it. You can read it here:

https://www.thebabyshow.co.uk/blog/re-both-real-mums-one-couples-reciprocal-ivf-journey

No advice in there really, but maybe reading it validates someone's feelings. LGBT parenthood is complex.

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Brilliant blog. We are doing RIVF this time and I have found the emotions of carrying my wife's baby very different to carrying my own the first time, so it's nice to read it's a normal response also, as we don't know anyone else that has done it either

Interesting blog 😊 I'm currently pregnant with our second baby, both pregnancies reciprocal IVF using my wife's eggs

I think it always interesting to hear about someone's personal experience and opinion so thank you. I would, however, perhaps question the idea that to be a 'real' parent you have to be genetically related to a child or to have carried them. I have a 4 month old son who my partner carried and to whom I have no genetic link. I am very fortunate in that where I live, my parenthood is legally acknowledged however I also do not feel any less valid in my motherhood simply because my son is not genetically related to me. As you say, queer parenting is complex, however, I like the idea of pushing back against the idea that there exists a 'real' mother rather then reinforcing it. For those couples who want it, I think reciprocal IVF is a great advancement in fertility treatment. I do not, however, feel it creates 2 'real mothers'...that is not reducible to biology.

thanks for expressing this Claire and I 100% agree with you that being a real parent is nothing to do with carrying or being genetically related. Does it come across that I think differently in the blog? That's not at all my intention so please do feel free, if you are comfortable, to message and I'd like to hear more feedback.

congratulations on your pregnancy. That's so interesting - I have no idea if what I feel is "normal" or not. There just isn't much written out there about the emotional side of RIVF so putting my feelings online is scary, but also a starting point (at least for me) for a form of dialogue. Have you found any particular resources of help or guidance that you recommend?

Hi Eve thanks for replying. How fantastic you've been able to do this twice! We've got embryos in the freezer. Maybe if Putin stops fucking with energy and the cost of living comes down, we will put another one in the oven in the future.

I think any feelings are valid and normal to be honest. Not alone in them at least. I haven't no, but I haven't particularly looked for anything, or felt the need too. Having spoken with my wife about how she felt with our first pregnancy I think it sounds very similar in my thoughts but as soon as our boys arrived there was no doubting any feeling towards them from her, and I know I will be exactly the same. It's just this time around I can blame her for making me so poorly (have HG) 😂😂

Me and my wife were thinking about doing RIVF for our next baby as she is unsure she wants to carry, so this was a very interesting read. Thank you for sharing x

Thank you for this blog! My wife and I have just had our first baby born in October through shared motherhood. My wife is the biological mother and I the gestational mother. We also have never met anyone else that has been through this path to parenthood and so it’s refreshing to hear your story and your feelings surrounding it. It is exhausting having to explain everytime, 3 times in the hospital my wife was asked if she was the nan! This was very upsetting any gave her a bit of a complex! From that I learnt that I needed to introduce my wife to every single new person that came into the room before any dialogue could take place to avoid this from happening again and upsetting her even more!

Shared motherhood was in fact our best chance of having a family because my AmH levels and follicle count were extremely low. I can totally empathise with your sense of loss as I still feel it from time to time but I wouldn’t change it for the world now that we have our gorgeous daughter x

I hope if you do go down the RIVF route that it's successful for you ❤️

thanks for sharing Lindsey. While we start every appointment with me introducing my wife, I think I need to get better with doing that for every single person that comes in the room in the middle of it and make intros clear again! We've been told in a letter that my wife can't come to the obstetrician appointment the month before the birth. I'd like to challenge that as it's when we'll be making critical decisions about my c section and birth plan. Did you have a meeting like that and did you attend together as a couple?

Hi Grace, we had regular growth scans and consultations because baby was measuring big and my wife attended all of these appointments with me. I would definitely challenge it, as you say, the decisions you make are joint decisions, did they give a reason why you let wife could not attend? X

Hi, myself and my fiancée did reciprocal ivf ( I carried) we have never met another rivf family. We tried using my embryos 4 times prior to the birth of our baby girl (almost 8 months old) and had a missed miss carriage with our twins. Being older I had far more abdominal chromosomes than my partner. We had success first time when I carried her embryo.

in our community

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