What to do about toxic sister
My sister and I have had a love hate relationship most of our lives however the last few years we have cleared the air and gotten on very well. She got married and had kids and really calmed down.
Our issues stemmed from her being rude and treating my parents badly. She can't take any critism so my parents were always afraid to confront her. She would be rude to me and I'd brush it off until I couldn't no longer and then would explode. She would then gaslight me that I had issues and should see a therapist because I was holding on to these things that happened years ago and she doesn't even remember them!
Instead of apologising or acknowledging any wrongdoing She would try and buy her way out of things by buying me something nice etc.
On the odd occasion my parents have confronted her on her actions she has gone mental and stormed out and she'd away in the car and my parents are naturally worried that she might get in an accident so they are reluctant to confront her.
Thats the back story.
Roll on last year I get engaged and we want to get married abroad. My sister calls me to tell me that she is pregnant and won't be able to come as her baby will only be 1 month old but she doesn't want me to change my plans for her.
I talked to my fiance about delaying our wedding and then discussed with my parents and they told us not to because she won't come anyway as she doesn't want to bring her kids to that country and she has been calling my other sister to say that she shouldn't take her kid either. I was so annoyed that she was trying to convince others not to go to my wedding but I let it go.
When it came to my henparty it was being organised by my younger sister. I said that I don't kind where it was. We all live in neighbouring countries in Europe. My oldest sister would be 7 months pregnant so I asked her when would be the last point she could fly. She said she didn't know and would check with Dr but never came back to me.
I told my youngest sister that if she can't fly then I'll have the hen in my oldest sisters country but if she can then we will do it in my country.
I was also conscious that my oldest after might not want to come to the hen because she is pregnant so asked my little sister to feel her our.
She went mental at her and broke down telling her that I've excluded her from the wedding and haven't told her anything about the wedding which is lies. I even called her when I was abroad looking at wedding venues. She said that I was organising the hen in my country so she wouldn't be able to come. And now my sister asking her I'd she could fly was me putting it on her that she can't come because she is pregnant (even though we WOUld have it in her country if she couldn't fly)
I rang my sister to try clear up the misunderstanding but she went mental at me and hung up.
We didn't speak for 2 months until we saw each other at my little sisters daughters christening. I just acted like nothing had happened because I didn't want to make it awkward for everyone. The weekend went well and I thought we put it behind us.
The next weekend was my hen in my sisters country. Again I just actes as normal. Then during the dinner she said to me oh btw dont mention the wedding to E (her 4yo daughter) because she is so upset that aunty L (me) doesn't want her to go to her wedding. I was sp disgusted by this comment but chose to ignore it yet again but ended my night crying over it as I love my neice and was so upset that she wouldn't be able to be my flower girl.
I don't speak to her after the hen because I'm so upset. Then she has her baby and I decide yet again to let it go. Also I found out I was pregnant and was suffering from antenatal depression but no-one knew.
As an plive branch, The week before my wedding I call my sister when I'm getting my final dress fitting so that she can see me in the dress because ehse won't be at the wedding.
The day of the wedding she video calls me when I'm getting my hair and makeup done and we chat and then I had to go because the lady needed to dry my hair.
30 minutes before I am due to walk down the aisle my brother sends photos into the family chat of the church and asks my sister if she wants him to video call her in the church so she can see the wedding. She replies no because she has to console E because she is so upset that aunty L does not want her at the wedding! WTF! Who actually writes that to someone on their wedding day.
Again I was so upset and my family were livid yet like usual no-one wants to confront her.
My brother then sent her more photos of us at the wedding in the chat and she doesn't even comment to say I look beautiful or anything and instead just sends a photo of her new baby.
I am so disgusted that she can be so cruel. A few days after the wedding she texts me asking for my bank details for her to send a wedding present. I don't reply. Again she reached out a few times asking for my bank details so that she can buy her way back into my good books. I don't want her money. I don't reply and I'm suffering from really bad antenatal depression and can't really deal with it.
She talks to my parents and sister and doesn't ask if I'm OK or anything about me because she knows why I'm upset but doesn't want to pretend she doesn't and has done nothing wrong. If my sister stops talking to me and I think I've done nothing wrong I'd ask my parents if everything is OK.
A few weeks later i make a social media post about my antenatal depression. She likes the post. 2 days later she texted me saying it was brave to make the post and hope I'm OK.
Then she texts wishing all of us into he family group a happy mothers day. I dont reply.
She texts me directly a few days later to wish me happy birthday. I don't reply.
She texts the family group to invite us to the christening of her new born. I don't reply but spoke to my mum and sister to discuss arrangements as I love my nephews and have never missed a family event.
My husband needs a visa to go so we were looking into the possibilities and then my mum tells me that my sister is uninviting us.
She said that I'm mentally torturing her by not replying to her and she doesn't want to bring the dysfunction around her children.
Yet the week after the christening we are having a surprise party for my parents and she has not problem with her children being around me then.
I know that I am in the wrong for not getting back to her after the wedding. I wasn't mentally in a place where I could deal with it. Now I'm so distraught that I'm missing my nephews christening and I feel like she is using her kids against me.
My little sister and mum have told me that that is just the way she is and she'll always be like that and I'll just need to come to terms with it but why should I?
She is 40 years old and can't acknowledge her faults or when she has done something wrong and can't apologise.
My mum did confront her about the message on my wedding day and she said that she thought she was replying to my brother privately and was going to delete the message but thought it would look worse.
So she obviously knew I was upset about the message but pretending she didn't know why I wasnt talking to her.
When my mum said that it was disgusting that she couldn't even tell me I looked beautiful on my wedding day her retort was that no-one told her that she looked beautiful on her wedding day. Which again is a lie. But also how petty!
Now I'm having my mum ask me how long I'm going to drag out this feud. When I haven't done anything wrong.
I feel so bad for my family as they are stuck in the middle but I also know that they expect me to just drop it and pretend everything is OK because she will never apologise nor admit she has done anything wrong.
My sister has told me I should just have a social relationahip with my sister like I would with a social friend but not let her in. I don't know how to do that. I can't be fake.
I just don't know what to do and at this stage I feel like it's a lose lose situation.
I cut her out of my life and be the bad guy and really upset my family. Or I swallow it all like normal and let her treat me like shit!
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This sounds very very similar to the relationship I have with my brother. I cut him out of my life in October after he verbally attacked my mum and after years and years of him being incredibly nasty and a complete narcissist. We have both recently had babies so there’s been pressure to make up but I just can’t do it. The way I see it is he brings nothing positive to my life, any interaction with him is never good, not even neutral it’s always negative with him - whether it’s a text, phone call or meet up. I’ve been so much happier and calmer not talking to him, it doesn’t matter if he’s my brother. Why put up with the stress and upset? Life is too short.
I resonate with you saying you’re made out to be the bad guy, it’s the same with my family even though they’re a big part of why I don’t speak to him any more. They put up with his bullying but I won’t! Do what you need to do to have a happier life 💕
That’s really rough I’m sorry your going through that, everyone would deal with that different. But I would do the same as you I prioritise my little family above all and I will cut out anyone that impacts our peace or family dynamic. She doesn’t sound like the type of person I would want to associate with and I wouldn’t but her kids haven’t done anything wrong maybe you could try and keep a relationship through your kids and ask for play dates or family days out. But if you think she would just twist the situation I would also leave that. Your children have other family members to love them and you can love them from a distance send bday cards and Xmas presents things like that x
I have to admit the last few years we have had an extremely close relationship and would speak nearly every day when she had her first baby. We would speak at least once a week and got on really well.
But ever since I got engaged things have changed dramatically. I feel like she can't take any pleasure from.anyone else's joy.
She missed my little sisters wedding as she was pregannt and due the same week and it was abroad and she also made everything about her. She refused to look at her wedding photos and cried on the phone to me that my sister was leaving her out of things.
She got married first and had her children before us and we all shared in her joy and I don't know why she can't do the same. I am having my first child and I am already worried about the impact of my antenatal depression is having on my baby never mind my new husband and I feel like her actions are making everything worse.l and she doesn't care about her impact on my unborn baby
unfortunately I don't think she would allow me to remain In my neice and nephews life
She is highly insecure, jealous and seeks drama and attention. She needs to seek help to change for the better, other than that I would not want the negativity in my life so I would cut her off.
I'm sorry you went/going through that! I can relate a lil bit. My sister and I are fine but sometimes it's really hard talking to her coz I feel judged.
Tbh ur sister seems to be very much of a drama queen. I get u and her may have issues, but telling her kid her aunt doesn't want her at her wedding is totally toxic behavior! That is disgusting and immature!
I know how hurtful it is when u always have to be the one letting go and forgiving without an apology! It leaves a scar in ur heart, and u feel like part of u is getting chipped away to repair the relationship. I 100% feel that way sometimes.
I can't tell u what to do. But, if u decide to forgive ur sister, it should be coz u want to and not for your family! She can't always get her way... It's unfair!
When you go to the family party, go and tell your niece that she wasn’t not invited to your wedding, you wanted her there but her family couldn’t fly and you’re sorry she missed it. Clear it up directly with your niece.
I have nothing nice to say about your sister so I won’t say anything at all 😅
Your situation sounds like the one I have with my sisters . I’ve let them say and do all kinds of weird stuff and I would just ignore it because my nephews are involved and I’m really close with them but now I’ve realized my mental health is more important and I was in a continuous cycle of depression letting them run over me . Now all of a sudden i don’t tel my sisters anything anymore and keep my distance .. im the bad sister and my family looks at me so different. At the end of the day you have to do what’s best for yourself
to be honest I don't actually believe that my neice said that and if she did it would be because my sister would have told her and I don't believe that she would have as she wouldn't want to hurt her.
I think my neice was upset she wasn't coming and my sister embellished it to hurt me.
I don't really want to stoop to her level to bring my neice into it. I'm sure my neice will have forgotten about it by now however I am weary that she might ask me why I wasnt at her brothers christening which is the weekend before the party....tempted to say because her mum didn't want me there but again don't want to bring my neice into the drama and also don't want to stoop to my sisters level
@Akshaya
that's absolutely how I feel. I am driven by fairness and justice and being in this situation continuously with her breaks me. Its just such an unfair situation and it's always up to me to just swallow it for the sake of everyone else. It just erodes my soul and I start to resent the rest of my family for putting me in that situation instead of standing up for me to her
Sounds like my big sister too and you did great by ignoring her!
Mom: how long are you going to drag this feud on?
You: well mom she’s an adult, I’m not dragging anything. When she’s ready to apologize I’ll be ready to listen. She is not going to learn or grow if no one actually holds her accountable. Did you know? A person who doesn’t grow, rots. Her rotten behavior hurts us and eventually will hurt her own kids. Also I’m pregnant, I need to protect my peace for my baby too. Let me know when you’re ready to parent and hold your own child accountable of her bullying and slandering of me. Nice chat, mom.
If your niece asks why you weren’t at the christening say you weren’t invited and if she says why tell her she’ll have to ask her parents!
Great words from tell your mum you’re not taking your sisters shit anymore, they can if they want to but you won’t be. Bye Felicia 🙃
@Gigi you make very valid points. I love my mum and know she is doing her best and is in a difficult situation. My sister is the type of person if you confront her she will cut you out of her life so I can understand as a mum that's an extremely difficult position to be in however it is not fair that she holds us all the ransome.
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