How did you get your kid sleeping independently?

Don't feel bad, I know sleep issues can be extremely frustrating. My kids are still pretty terrible sleepers and they don't even have their own rooms!
What approaches have you tried to get your child to sleep on her own? I wouldn't want to give you redundant advice and make you even more irritated.

we did like a modified Ferber method back in the day but then that stopped working. I’ve tried using the hatch to explain “yellow means quiet time”. I’m tried telling her she can take all her stuffed animals and snuggle them if she’s scared. We are in the process of changing her bedtime thinking it’s the timing that’s wrong and moving up her bedtime to 8pm (from 10:30am) and wake up to 6am (from 8-8:30am). She fights baths right now so we can do that. She refuses brushing her teeth recently too so her nighttime routine is basically just books at the moment or sometimes i bribe her with watching videos on my phone but then it’s a whole fight trying to take it away after 5 mins. She delays everything by asking for a million things. She is sooooo damn smart. She asks to sleep at my parents house a lot because they let her do whatever she wants and sleep in their bed and it annoys me to no end lol!

We started last night just moving to “extinction” method last night because i don’t know what to do but honestly it hurts my heart at the same time hearing her scream and cry and throw her body at the door. But i honestly can’t handle the 10pm bedtimes anymore. It bothers me that I’m like the only person i know with sleep issues and everyone seems to have kids that sleep independently at like super early times and I’m like HOW! my husband doesn’t help with bedtime at all. It’s on me.

Hey momma... I don't know who you're talking to but I know 100 moms with these same issues. My son has been doing this too. It's totally normal for them to stall...... totally normal. And she is playing you a little but it's not malicious.. it's just.. she wants mommy time.

I know like 2 moms who have kids that just go to sleep.

But... you shouldn't do the extinction method while you're changing bedtime. One huge change at a time is recommended.

When did her independence stop and she started doing this? Does she have all of her teeth?

And.... subconsciously.. a lot of moms don't admit the crutches they have to use to get kids to sleep. Rubbing their back, TV on, toys in bed, cuddle to sleep, cosleeping, etc. Some don't even realize.

I will tell you too... these huge regressions will continue to happen. My son has gone through this a few times and it always goes back to normal. Feels like months, but there's a time where he does great again... even for a few days.

The one thing that works for me.. pretty much the only thing.. is just holding my son until he calms down. Just being with him in his emotions and helping him settle. If bedtime means tears and anxiety, this is never going to stop. Bed must be a safe space.. so I help my son settle.. whatever it may be.. for however long (it always gets shorter and shorter). And I put him to bed calm. If he gets worked up, I give him a few minutes. If it's histerical crying, I do this again.. eventually he stays calm enough to go to sleep. And he knows when he needs me that I'll be there!

We have boundaries though too!!

Cuddle for 2 minutes
When we are done brushing teeth, we can read books (or watch books)
When we have our PJs on, mommy will cuddle with you
We are going to read one more book and then lights off.

He knows what to anticipate as well. And I stick to it the best I can!!

I'm here if you need anything! I have a 15 month old too 🤣🤣 and similar strategies helped me ween him from nursing to sleep!

but then doesn’t bedtime take forever? How do you get other stuff done? I started her bedtime tonight at 7:45pm and barely got her down at 9pm and i only did cause i eventually just walked out and let her cry because i didn’t know what else to do. I wanted to move up bedtime in order to have time after to get stuff done before i have to go to bed. How long is bedtime suppose to take? Then my husband wants kid 2 and I’m like how lol!!! I can’t do two bedtimes!! This makes me not want another to be honest! She is sick right now tho so could be that she is extra clingy right now too. But idk what else to do but give up my night every single night of my life and honestly I’m just so miserable. It’s like i have no life.

Does she take naps during the day? If so, when does she nap and for how long?
What kind of activities does she like to do that exert a lot of energy and/or involve going outside?
I ask because the more tired my kids are by bedtime the less they tend to fight sleep and the more likely they are to stay asleep through the night.
I think moving up her bedtime is a solid idea. My kids tend to have the same bedtime and wake time (my eldest 2 are 7 and 4 and they go to sleep at the same time) so I hope this works out for you!
Also, please don't feel bad about not having a nighttime routine or giving her shows to watch on your phone. Oddly enough, (and this was my husband's idea) my kids tend to fall asleep to shows that my husband and I watch. My kids request to put on The Orville each night after a story. Most of the time I don't have to be in the room for them to fall asleep. I know it is against the advice of pretty much every expert out there but it works for us!

yeah she naps at daycare 12-2:30pm or 3pm. I’m trying to ask them about capping naps cause she def sleeps too long there but at home on weekends napping is a struggle but she eventually would nap 3-5pm or something like that. OR Occasionally she will maybe get a 30 min car nap if we are doing something. She def gets a lot of play time and outside time. Sometimes i legit have no idea how she has so much energy all the time! But def plan to change her wake and bedtime going forward. I did think about letting her watch tv before bed buuut then im scared to start that cause i def notice if she watches tons of tv her behavior is worse and she’s crabby. Then she will request it every night and stay up too late so idk if i should start that or not! I’m just sooo confused and I’m debating not letting her sleep at my parents house anymore in case they are creating bad habit cause they don’t listen and it’s a constant issue of they don’t respect my husband and I’s parenting.

i will say today was diff though because she barely played cause she wasn’t feeling good at all today. But usually she is very active. But going to keep to the plan and wake her at 6am tomorrow and then just try again tomorrow with an 8pm bedtime.

The vast majority of toddlers need support to go to sleep. My son is a few months younger (20 months), wakes around 6:30, naps 12:45-2:45ish at daycare, and goes to bed at 8:45. It sounds like you’re expecting too much sleep per 24 hours.

Some kids don’t actually need wind down time before bed, but need super active play. Not immediately before bed, but in the hour before. Running around the house or tickling my son and rolling him around on our bed and things like that are what we do.

You don’t need to have an extensive bedtime routine but I would try to do things in the same order. We do pajamas, brush teeth, sleep sack, books, he “tucks in” a stuffed animal, turns on his sound machine, shuts the door and turns off the light. Everything but reading books is super quick. But he doesn’t put himself to sleep on his own as I still nurse him to sleep.

Also because she is in daycare it may be that she’s looking for extra connection from you in the evenings. Which can be really hard

As we’re trying to get dinner ready, take care of other things in the house, pets, etc. but that’s a really common reason for bedtime issues besides not enough sleep pressure.

I highly recommend heysleepybaby on Instagram to help normalize expectations and understandings of biologically normal infant and toddler sleep.

Never let them in your bed to begin with is the advice I have always heard from my mother (of 6 kids). My son is only 1.5 though so can’t speak from personal experience.

Your child isn’t broken, most babies are not good sleepers so I’m not sure who you’re talking about. Natural sleepers are like unicorns. We did the Ferber method and it worked great for us. Although, it sounds like maybe you have an older child if they’re delaying bedtime. Look it up and see if it’s a fit or if there are recommendations for the age of your child. Another helpful book is called The Baby Whisperer Solves your problems and it has all kinds of info in there besides just sleep and it’s based off of age. Sounds like that would be helpful to you. Our bedtime routine is literally 15-20 minutes and our son goes to bed, he’s almost 8 months old for reference. But like I said we did the Ferber method about a month ago and it worked really well for us. We always have the same bedtime routine and we do not do baths. We didn’t want a bath to be part of the routine in case we are traveling or camping or somewhere without a bath. We change him, put on pjs while lullabies are playing

Then I nurse him and we read a book, sometimes two, sing two songs and it’s down in his bed.

I don’t have advice for getting her to sleep.

But as for her refusing to do things (tooth brushing, etc), that’s typical 2yo power struggles. Toddlers like to feel like they have some control over their life and what happens to them.

Allow her to make choices in her routine to avoid fighting over getting them done. Present her with 2 options which both are acceptable (eg do you want to have a bath and then brush your teeth, or first brush your teeth and then a bath? Or have 2 different soaps to add to her bath and let her choose which one to add).

This give her the feeling of being independent and a little more in control of her life.

Sometimes children will realize they can refuse to make a choice and drag it out by just saying no. In that case tell her “no” is not a choice and give her a time limit by when she has to make her decision otherwise you’ll make it for her.

I hope this helps!!

I sourced the help of the ladies at sleepbysteph. Got in touch with them for my first some at 4 months old and applied the same info with my second. Both do 12-13 hours uninterrupted overnight and day sleeps are good. Being sleep deprived is horrible! They have really helpful info and I saw results within 48 hours.

Not sure how old yours is but they suggest a bedtime of 6/6:30 if it can be done. Check warmth of room etc. their ebooks are very cheap as well as a phone call with them if you need to talk it out. They are amazing

i don’t think so but that’s what the admin said in this sleep group that she wasn’t sleeping enough and that i needed to change to the 6 am wake up, 2 hour nap at noon, 7:30pm bedtime. But she has never ever done that (today was day 1 of the 6am) but normally she was going to bed at like 10:30pm sometimes later on weekends. I can’t control her naps at daycare but sometimes they would be as long as 12-3pm. I think we messed up tonight on wind down cause my dad insisted on taking her for 45 mins to his house to see my grandma so then she was wired coming back at 7:30pm and crying when he left and we went right into bedtime. She unfortunately refused to brush her teeth and jsut kept crying she didn’t want to so we just stopped and started with books. What do you mean by sleep pressure? But yeah it suck’s cause i feel like everything in the evenings during work week is rushed that I’m curious how the early bedtime will go.

what do you define as wind down? Cause before we switched her bedtime (today was day 1) she was getting a very long wind down time. We didn’t have a set schedule per se but it was definitely spanning at least an hour from getting water, to going upstairs, to watching videos and then i lay with her and cuddle until she falls asleep. Most of the time i would honestly accidentally pass out in her bed with her and wake up around 11-12pm and then go to my own room. But trying to eliminate the late bedtime where she just continues to push it out and delay it and then also eliminate the need to need to stay in there until she falls asleep. I was in her room tonight from about 7:45pm - 9pm but by 9pm i was kinda just over it and left cause we had been trying to do a 8pm bed (which i knew would be closer to 8:30pm since my dad took her tonight for 45 mins and didn’t drop her off until 7:30pm.

i don’t mind a wind down time but i would like to get to the point eventually where i can do the entire bedtime in like an hour or hour and a half and she is asleep around 8-8:30pm. I want to be exiting her room by like 8:30pm at the latest. This whole past year it was more like 10:30pm or later and it’s just gotten to be too much for me because i struggle to get up for work then. I know it will take some time as like i said today was day 1 of her new wake up time of 6am but i just got really frustrated when i KNOW she had to be exhausted but was fighting it and waiting for me to leave to the point where i had to leave the room otherwise i know bedtime was gunna get pushed to 10pm again.

i definitely try the two options thing and it doesn’t seem to work at all for her. She is hit or miss with teeth brushing but she has gotten to the point where she is traumatized od the bath and she will cry and scream until i literally take her out of the bath or she jumps and claws her way up the side of the bath. I feel so guilty so i just take her out. I’ve tried buying new toys but she doesn’t care. At this moment my husband is getting her to bathe basically via mini plastic pool in the backyard because idk how to get her in otherwise. She knows that bath includes water over her head so she is just so traumatized of water on her head. I mean i probs don’t help because eventually j get frustrated and go the route of let’s go wash your hair as fast as possible and versus being gentle and letting it take a whole hour because it’s the same outcome either way. But now I’m having more issues of getting her in the bath at all so idk how to correct this at all!!!

my daughter is 2 right now! But I’m pretty sure Ferber was the one we did for her actually when she was 7 months and it actually worked well!!! That is until she was about 14-15 months or so, then she just kinda stopped sleeping independently (and stopped sleeping through the night lol). She’s kinda just bounced back and forth since then but has gotten worse lately. I’m not sure how to get her bed time routine shorter but like i said we are doing a sleep schedule now that a sleep admin provided to us so we started that today. I just really want to get away from the fact that bedtime sometimes takes me in total like 2 hours and sometimes I’m not leaving her room until 11pm or midnight cause i wait so long for her to pass out that sometimes i pass out in her bed myself. I mean we will keep following it for sure. I definitely just felt out of control and extremely upset tonight. Somehow i always end up doing the bedtime too. My husband never does bedtime ever.

My son is the same. We ended up just changing bedtime to 9pm and he goes to sleep much quicker, my husband sits in bed in the dark with him.
We try and do chill time from about 8 which is basically having his milk watching Peter rabbit with his comforters
I think it’s because he still naps that his bedtime is so late but without a nap he’s too tired at like 5pm xx

My daughter is going through this! She has always had sleep issues. And right now she is asleep at the door. I think to myself she is crazy lol. But she goes through a week of okay sleep but that means she is waking a couple times only a night for a few mins without needing me. Then we go back to fighting sleep all night for a week or so. Right now she does what your saying and then some. She screams for hours and I go back and forth. She fell asleep at the door tonight about an hour ago. It’s very hard and I am very tired. I have tried so many different things, she is also 2

My little boy can and has slept through but it’s not something he does consistently. And sign of illness or teething and he’s awake through the night.

As for getting him to sleep he lays on our bed after his bath, drinking his milk while we read and he falls asleep and then I move him to his own bed. It’s not for everyone but it works for us. We’ve just moved his bedroom, which he now loves so I think a few months we might try him going to sleep in him own bed.

But what I have learnt is he doesn’t need a lot of sleep. He’s 22 months and has a 20 min nap, or no nap at all on days when I’m taking care of him. On nursery days he was having a 2 hour nap and wasn’t going to bed until about 9pm. I think we’re just told that all babies need lots of sleep and that’s not that case for all of them, so I would definitely recommend tracking her sleep/naps/ times of naps and find a pattern.

You asked what sleep pressure was.. it’s that feeling we have of being tired and wanting to go to bed…

If a baby isn’t tired then I’d strange to expect them to lay in a cot and attempt to go to sleep. We wouldn’t enjoy that as adults and we can voice our feelings about that. That’s something else I had to learn and think about when my little one doesn’t want to go to bed xx

Nurturedfirst on Instagram has info about this!! And seconding hey sleepy baby though that’s more for younger kids, and thenotsotiredtoddler.

For my son, we made him a bedtime chart, it’s a cheap little to do list from Amazon with sliding check marks and I wrote the steps and drew pictures. It’s cut our routine down a lot, and goes all the way from dinner to bedtime. Now he knows there’s time to play, time to cuddle, but we have to do the other steps to get to them. Ours is: dinner/bath/play/potty/diaper/pajamas/brush teeth/cuddle/walk (he falls asleep in the stroller for his dad if he doesn’t pass out cuddling with me)/sleep. He checks the chart himself, he’s 20 months, and if he’s really tired he’ll ask to skip playtime. He gets read a book while he sits on the potty, and if he skips potty we also skip book.

My kid is low sleep needs and she may be too? If it’s taking ages she may not have enough sleep pressure and I’d lean later rather than earlier, especially if she naps at daycare. Or ask them to make her nap shorter. If I start our routine too early it could take hours; the key for us is to hold off because it goes smoother if he’s tired.

For the bath, could you just wash her hair once a week and do the long routine then? Like sundays we wash your hair? She really doesn’t need it every time especially if it’s traumatic, and having a set day lets you be matter of fact and store up your patience.

My kid also needs a certain amount of physical stimulation/sensory input in order to sleep well. Usually he has naked playtime in his room after bath, and he climbs his climber or jumps in a pile of pillows or tosses a ball with me, and if he’s not in the mood for rough play he gets deep pressure from being rubbed with lotion head to toe, and I wrap him in a quilt and sing him silly songs.

honestly the sleep admin (not sure exactly what that means) doesn’t sound like they are well versed in sleep needs for this age. From 1-2 young toddlers average 11-14 total hours per day.

I mean it’s possible your daughter isn’t sleeping enough if she’s truly high sleep needs, but it doesn’t sound like it from what you describe. 10.5 hours overnight plus a 2-3 hour nap is likely just a bit much for her at this point.

The “7-7” or 12 hours of overnight sleep thing just isn’t true for many kids despite sleep consultants (aka sleep trainers) saying it is. Sleep trained babies don’t sleep any “better” than non sleep trained ones by the age of 2.

so we actually did this originally but it only lasted from 7 months until about 14-15ish months. Then it’s kinda been a back and forth. She did have a period of time where after we switched her to her toddler bed she would happily go to her room to bed and then one day she just stopped and hasn’t since. I’ve done cry it out now on occasion after i spend a good hour or so trying to out her down and then if it doesn’t work i leave the room and let her cry because i get fed up by 11pm on some nights if she’s not asleep. But she throws her entire body at the door and flips out so i feel so guilty. We are moving up her entire schedule tho right now and now I’m debating doing cry it out more frequently because i feel like I’m out of options. Can i ask what time your kid goes to bed? I’m trying to figure out still what the best bedtime is because it felt to me 8pm was too early to try. Granted it was only day 1 so we shall see!

oh maybe, she’s an admin in a sleep training FB group so i assumed she was up to date on all research/was a consultant. It seems like all the schedules online (or advice i get) are all so similar in that they seem to all give me the 6am wake/7:30pm bedtime schedule. My daughter is def low sleep needs for sure. But I’m just very much mentally struggling cause I’m high sleep needs so i can’t keep going to bed at 11pm or midnight and functioning at work the next day. It’s been so rough. I just also don’t know how to make her daycare cut her nap either tho. I emailed to ask about capping her nap but they haven’t got back to me yet. I almost feel like the fact that she is napping 3 hours there means she needs a tiny bit more night sleep and i just need to make it night sleep instead of nap sleep. Idk I’m just upset with everything. My husband has low sleep needs and has very “black n white” thinking so he just doesn’t get why I’m struggling so it makes me feel more like a POS

I would imagine a 3 hour nap is the issue! My son is younger than your daughter and if he gets more than 1.5 hours sleep or sleeps past 2, he doesn’t go down until 11. I start being really loud and vacuuming or playing music once he’s been asleep 40 minutes, and if that still doesn’t get him I go give him a kiss at an hour 15 and tickle his belly until he’s up. With the capped nap he’s down by 8:30-9 but he really needs a minimum of 7 hour in that last wake window. His best friend is a baby the same age who naps 2-4 and goes down at 7:30. I think you’re better off trying to tweak things for your individual kid than doing what works for someone else, and it’s so based on temperament, that no wonder what worked for your first isn’t working for your second. It’s not you. The moms with great sleepers haven’t magically cracked the code.

Will your daughter let you lay with her in bed and doze a bit while she plays if she has a later bedtime? Will your husband take some bedtimes so you can go to bed early, even if he’s just hanging out with her and not doing the “right” (same) routine you are? I’d make my goal rest for you, however that happens, rather than having a kid who does 12 hours overnight. Plus if your husband is low sleep needs, it’s hopefully less of a big deal for him. My kid does 11 hours total daily at 20 months, so if he gets a big nap I have him up before 5 am, or if he has a late nap he’s up until 11 and still wakes by 6.

So I believe in the cry it out method. But i wasn't able to use this method on my youngest child because he had asthma really bad, which was really hard, the extinction methods can be an effective way to help older babies and toddlers learn to self-soothe and fall asleep independently. Some children at this age are often able to comfortably stay awake for prolonged periods. This means that they usually need to be awake for a longer period of time to be sufficiently tired before bed. There are so many things that go along with children not sleeping. It's a headache to figure out, but you got this!

it doesn’t sound like they’re really tailoring their advice to your kid and your specific situation! Basically if bedtime isn’t working due to lack of sleep pressure (just not tired enough, hasn’t been awake long enough after nap), you can try an earlier wake, capping the nap or a later bedtime. Obviously different things work for different people. Definitely follow up with daycare but apparently in certain states there are legal regulations around naptime and they won’t wake a child up if it’s during the “test hours.” So you’d have to check on that for your area. If they can cap it, that might be the easiest for your situation since she’s mostly not with you for naps. If it isn’t an option definitely try an earlier wake in the morning, really rough and tumble play before bed, and a quick but consistent bedtime routine in the same order. Just keep that routine really simple but also ask the grandparents to implement it when appropriate. Like the same playlist or same book.

So when we switched my son to a big boy bed around this time we had a firm bed time routine. Bath, pjs, quiet play, snack, 1 book, and bed. We started the routine at 6 and was in bed by 7ish. Then we started laying with him til he fell asleep, then we slowly moved farther away from the bed until we were at the door.

Okay things are already improving by just taking over the morning and waking her up by 6:15am. My husband took over bedtime the last two nights too and we did extinction. She cried 15 mins the first night and didn’t cry the next AT ALL and was in her bed sleeping both nights by 8:45pm!!!! What a change compared to me laying in her room until 10:30/11pm every night!!!! I literally feel like a new human. A happy one!!!!!! 😍