Long-distance teenage step-son & pregnancy

So my husband and I got married a year and a half ago and he has a son from a previous marriage who lives long distance (15.5 years old). SS stays with us one week in fall, four to six weeks in summer, and a week in spring. When he was here this summer, we told him about pregnancy (which I felt we gave plenty of warning for by asking how he felt if we had kids and talking about that possibility every time we see him). When we announced, he sobbed for 15 minutes straight and then once we got to dinner destination, he acted like nothing ever happened. I tried not to take it personally, but he made comments like the baby wouldn’t be allowed in basement until age 10 (ummm when he’s 26…) and such. It hurt my feelings, but I let it go. He’s coming to visit again this fall when I’ll be 8 months pregnant and I’m a little stressed. Additionally, my mother is appalled that he won’t be at the baby shower - but there is nothing to indicate he would actually want to be there and hasn’t shown any interest or support related to his new sibling. He has two younger siblings by his mom and he doesn’t even know how old they are when I ask (and I ask about them every time he visits). Anyone have advice on how to handle this emotionally on my side? I’m concerned about feeling pressured to include him (example in family photos with my first baby) but he lives many states away and that’s not really reasonable. It makes me feel awful that my mom thinks I don’t embrace and love him - I try and I definitely treat him with kindness and respect when he’s here, but it also is a difficult situation for me. I don’t want him to visit while I’m on maternity leave and would rather he come afterwards and my mom also gave me a hard time for that. Am I the asshole?

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He absolutely should be allowed to be visit while you’re on maternity. I’m sure he feels isolated from your guys family only seeing you 4-8 weeks a year and saying he can’t come after the baby is born is taking away the little time your husband and him have together and he is going to take that as him being replaced and not wanted there. Just because he doesn’t seem interested in younger siblings doesn’t mean he should be isolated from them. He’s a teenager dealing with something stressful and confusing and you can’t take his actions or words too personally. How much he chooses to be involved is on him but it is yours and your husband’s responsibility to give him every chance to be involved. Ask him if he wants to come to the shower, he probably won’t. I don’t know any teenage boys that would want to go to a baby shower. If you guys don’t leave that door open for him to be involved in yours and the new babies life he will never change his attitude about you or the baby and it will

Probably only get worse. Don’t take his lack of interest personally, I know it’s easier said than done. No matter how much he rejects you or the baby if you ever want him to accept you both then you cannot further isolate him.

To clarify, he usually doesn’t visit until March - I was just suggesting postponing it by a month or so. Not excluding him completely - it just doesn’t seem fair to have it be my responsibility to care for him when I’m home with the new baby. My intention certainly wasn’t to exclude - also he’s always been long distance - it’s not like we just moved away suddenly or their divorce was recent. His parents have been separated since he was one year old, so it’s all he’s ever known.

I have teenager step kids and 2 bio kids with my husband.. I would say that changing the normal pattern and visits because you don't want to be responsible for caring for the baby and your SS gives me pause.
I have always believed if you marry a person with kids those kids become a part of the family you are going to build together. Therefore if when they are with you you try and treat them like your own and care for them without it feeling like an extra chore.
During both my pregnancies we included the kids as much as we could and reenforced that they are all siblings period. They are all in family photos when they come to my family events they are treated like my kids no matter what type of attitude they have.
Our 16yr boy is standoff ish hormones but he is very protective of his siblings when needed half or not. He has siblings with his mom and with us and there is no difference.
It seems like you treat him as a part time not really your responsibility person and that might be something he feels...

Which could explain why he is acting out.

I am with your mom and Hannah on this one you have to give him the options and keep his scheduled visits the same even during your maternity leave if this is ever going to be a blended family which again is what we sign up for when we marry people with kids.
Baby shower should be on the table, visits, family photos, etc. He is a part of your husband so to love your husband to me is to love him and include him and his feelings as if he was with you

He’s not “acting out” - he just had a bad reaction to the baby news and made his feelings clear that he didn’t prefer we have kids and wanted nothing to do with the baby. He’s a sweet kid who was just being honest. I’m not mad about it and he wasn’t being mean about it - just saying it hurt my feelings briefly. And it’s not like I would go get photos without him while he’s here but even if he came on regular schedule the baby would be 3 months old - can I not have photos without him? I feel a little misunderstood. I tried to explain the nuances, but I am not feeling very supported. I will try to reassess my POV. We also aren’t made of money and cannot afford indefinite flights for him to be involved in every little thing - the situation is more complicated than I think you all are appreciating.

If he isn't going to be there regularly when u take the photos don't delay them....time is precious and you deserve to capture your baby at whatever time u would like... time doesn't wait for anyone

It isn't gonna be fair to your child of you push all there moments aside to wait for a situation that is out your control...

Don't ever feel like an asshole..... everyone makes it seem like we have to put our feelings aside ... your feeling matter as well yes we knew what the situation was but that doesn't mean that we can't have boundaries and opinions

My partner has 2 older kids with his ex wife (m14, f13) and I was a bit anxious about telling them we were pregnant, we ended up sitting them down and asking how they would be feel about having a younger sibling, our daughter got very excited and our son just said he didn't care. I was kind of worried that they would be a bit detached or feel forgotten/left out once my son was born, but they both absolutely loved him and couldn't get enough of him. We did a gender reveal party that was mostly for them and they both really enjoyed it, my daughter was a bit disappointed she wouldn't be having a little sister and said a few things that made me worried she wouldn't like the baby, and our son started to get a little more excited. I made sure to show them all ultrasound pictures and got a video during our 20 week anatomy scan so they could see him moving around. 1/2

We get them every other week, so we had them stay with their mom for 2 weeks so we could learn some kind of schedule with the baby before we introduced the day to day struggles with our older kids to the new life with a baby and it helped quite a bit. Our kids loved being around our son and were so happy when they got to hold him.
I would try to include your SS as much as possible, or at least give him the opportunity to be included, share ultrasound photos, send short clips of baby kicks, ask him if he wants to come to the baby shower, and give it a chance once you've gotten used to life with a new baby to have him come visit, it's only a week, so if it's too much you only have to grin and bear it for a little while and then ask him if how he liked visiting with the new baby and if he'd like to come visit again sooner than scheduled, but don't be too worried if he isn't super thrilled at first, he's still getting used to life with a new baby too and not being an only child (on his dad's side now too) 2/2

in our community

Is this clever or cruel?

My husband and i were talking and with social media and the internet in general being a terrifying dumpster fire, we are trying to figure out the best way to keep our son safe while still teaching him how to safely be online and moderation.

We landed on the idea of giving him the 90's kid treatment. A computer in the living room for us to keep an eye on what hes doing online, and once we feel hes mature enough to hang with friends without adult supervision he gets a flip phone. When we feel he is responsible enough and he earns and saves up the money for the physical phone, case, and screen cover, then we will be happy to take him to get a smart phone.

I thought this was air tight, but now my brother says its cruel to give a kid a flip phone, and besides he can just use his friends phones at school.

My husband and i remember a time before the internet, and we remember having complete access to something no one understood yet. We saw unspeakable things and are always battling with the urge to put the phone and social media down. I dont want that for my son, especially with his brain so vulnerable still.

If your partners parent passes away

And you and that parent didn't get along are you still go to the funeral?

Not my situation!

Partner no longer wants baby #2

Before our son was born we originally both wanted minimum 2 kids but we were hoping for 3-4. My partner found the birth traumatic to watch and also struggled a lot with the newborn/baby stage. He no longer wants to have any more children and it’s completely breaking my heart. I need another baby. We’ve spoken about it a lot and the options. He said he wasn’t COMPLETELY closed off to it so I asked him to try and work through his feelings and reconsider his decision. He eventually said he definitely doesn’t want another. I know that I will always want one and my feelings will never change. Do we have to break up or does anyone know anything else I can do to help change his mind? Has anyone else’s partner said this and then changed their mind? I don’t want to break up because I adore him and our life together and I’d hate to split up our family for “selfish” reasons and make my son miss out on having both of us together but I just don’t know what to do

Nursery funding

My child turned 9 months last week. I applied for government funded hours nearly 2 months ago and so well within the required timeframe for the April term, however upon receiving my first invoice without the funding applied and having questioned this, I have now been informed that the stretched funding doesn’t start until 4th May.

Has anyone else been told it won’t start until May?

The government site states it should start from April 1st, and so I intentionally set my nursery start and return to work as the start of April for that reason, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to afford the nursery on my sole income without the funding

Jealous of my husband

I’m so jealous of him and it’s making me resentful. We have a ten week old and I’m jealous that he is at work all day. I’m jealous he can leave for lunch and actually eat an uninterrupted lunch. Take a phone call uninterrupted. Chat with a friend he runs in to uninterrupted. Even go to the bathroom when he wants uninterrupted. He comes home from work when he wants. He’s not on a set schedule. Some days are late some are early. It depends on when he’s done. I’m jealous he can come home at 10pm and shower, eat and go right to bed uninterrupted because I already have the baby asleep. He doesn’t have to worry about anything house wise or baby wise because I’ve done it all. Meanwhile I’m covered in puke and crap and smell like rotten milk. When he is home he is VERY active and helpful. So it’s not that. I’m just jealous his world hasn’t changed and mine has I guess. This isn’t something he’s doing wrong so I’m not sure how to get past this. I wish I could keep him home all day because that’s how helpful he is, but I understand he obv needs to work.

Calpol

My mum has just given my 4 year old calpol because he asked for it. He isn’t poorly (although was last week, been fine this week) he just likes the taste of it. My mum didn’t check, didn’t ask, just gave it to him and when I’ve questioned her she said “he asked for it”. Then quizzed 4 year old who said he asked for it because it tastes nice.

How would you react?