Restricting access to my child

Hi ladies!

So when my daughter was 13 months old we spent Easter Sunday with my partners family. Whilst waiting on dinner to be ready we were just chilling out in the living room and my daughter wasn’t walking yet but she could pull herself up. Her face unfortunately came up to the genital area and she was pulling herself up on her grandma who was standing. My partners brother in law took it upon himself to make a disgusting comment which nearly 6 months later is still affecting me, he said “it looks like she’s trying to have a little lick”. Since then all I get from his whole family is “said person is just who he is he can’t help it”. He has no mental health issues apart from not shutting his mouth when needed and doesn’t think before he says but the red flag for me is that he clearly thinks that saying that sexual comment to my fucking 1 year old is ok because my partner has spoke to him about it and he hasn’t even apologised. He’s in his 30’s may I add!! His fiancé and daughter live with the grandparent and he visits near enough daily as she hasn’t been in the position to move out.

No matter how many times I express how this has upset me to others they all defend him like the plague because he’s a handy man and can renovate their homes for dirt cheap. Feels to me like they’re basically choosing someone like that over their own granddaughter.

Since then we have moved an hour away from where we used to live (which was a 10 minute drive from the grandparents) and all I keep getting is “please let her stay over one weekend” when they know he will be there! How can I trust that they won’t let him anywhere near her? He’s a vile man! Offers to give my daughter beer from the age of 6 months and I have to take her off of whoever has my daughter or if I have her I walk away instantly. He’s shouted at her when she was around 8 months old because she dropped a toy on the floor by accident, he’s told her off for having another biscuit which I bloody gave her because dinner was getting too late and she was getting upset!!! In august there was a family friendly hen do that the children could go to so didn’t want my daughter missing out I just made sure she wasn’t near him at all and she wanted one of the cupcakes and he told her that she wasn’t getting one until she gave him a hug to which I said “no thanks that’s not happening!” I could of easily said a lot worse but didn’t want to kick up a fuss infront of loads of people. Again she wasn’t even offered lunch until I asked if she could actually eat something because she’s only had breakfast so she was hungry, but to be fair lunch is normally made for her specially when they know we’re coming from an hour journey.

How am I suppose to feel comfortable with her staying there when he is there? Like it’s never going to happen cause my gut instincts tell me not to let her stay anymore. I’ve not once said no to any of them coming down here to see my daughter, they don’t ask after her, they treat her differently to other grandchildren, they desperately wanted me to set up a Google photo album yet they look at the pictures when I upload more and no likes or comments but the other grandchild will have likes from the same people in my daughters album, I know that’s really petty but it all adds to how it makes me feel, I just wouldn’t allow him to come and if he does then I’d take my daughter out of the house (he hasn’t been given the chance to visit and don’t think there ever will be)

I have been sexually assaulted when I was a child and as an adult and there is not a chance in hell that I will ever put my daughter in a position that could turn out how it did for me, but they don’t know that about me.

Am I the one in the wrong? Like am I overthinking it all? I don’t think I’m in the wrong but all of his family seem to say the same thing about him. I’m not suggesting that he would ever do anything to my daughter but why would I want to risk it? Specially with what he has said to her in the past and how he’s upset her and me!

Thank you for reading if you got this far x

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Don't even question yourself you are not in the wrong at all. Words can't describe how wrong that is what he said and I would never let him anywhere near my child again I don't care if it was a joke she is 1 year old FFS. Does your partner understand? Ugh I actually feel sick and my skin is crawling

my partner understands but there’s not much he can do😩 I felt sick to my stomach for a few weeks after hearing it. When he spoke to him about it he pulled the “I’ve been feeling suicidal” card and it just made my partner a bit uncomfortable

You’re not in the wrong for protecting your child. If you’re happy to take your daughter to visit whilst you’re there, or they can come to your house to visit then I don’t see any issue with you not leaving her there alone. She’s not missing out, as they can come to see her if they want, it’s better to protect her even if there is nothing to worry about!

Not at all, your feelings are completely valid. I actually shivered reading what he said, what a disgusting thing to say. That wouldn't even cross a sane person's mind!

Protect your little one how you see fit. Some may think you're overreacting but so what, you're her Mumma x

just don’t know how they can’t understand it from my point of view! They agree it’s a disgusting thing to say but then it’s always followed with (I’ll use a fake name for him) “tony is just tony” and it’s so frustrating! Not only that, the MIL stayed over a week or two ago and I caught her on camera whilst me and my partner was at work putting something in the bins outside and left my daughter in the pushchair by the side of the road, I was livid!! Anyone could of taken her in a split second. So also I have no idea if I can even trust her now even if I was visiting her like for example if she wanted to take her for a walk, how can I trust that she won’t just put the brakes on and leave her to look at something?! That’s my little girl in danger and she’s completely aware of this shit show this world has become specially with females being more of a target for human trafficking! My brain never even comprehended human trafficking until I saw her on camera leaving my little girl 😭

Need to add you can fit 3 cars in my driveway and MIL was at the bottom of it whilst she left my daughter on the pavement just past the entrance to the driveway, not a chance would a woman in her 60s be able to run after someone stealing a child 😭 this whole incident with the brother in law and now her being left has just made my postpartum anxiety even worse and I can’t stop creating the worse case scenarios In my head in every possible situation x

If you think your past experiences are coloring your views or messing with your instincts, they are not.
Something is clearly not right here. Your instincts are spot on. Even if he’s not a child abuser, he is not someone to trust around your child, especially if the grandparents are not hyper vigilant around him.
Don’t stress yourself out. Your family unit is united in this. They’re external factors that have little influence on the decisions you make.
They don’t seem like bad people. Just a bit unaware. Treat them as you always did but don’t allow visits unless you or your partner are there all the time.

He is an absolute walking red flag, don’t ever let your daughter stay there. So sorry that you have to deal with this stressful, anxiety inducing shit but you’ll feel 1000 more strong and relieved if you make the decision that no matter how awkward the decision makes you feel, making the decision to never let her stay there means she’s protected!

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