Feeling no privacy/home doesn’t feel home-long post

Salam everyone, I don’t know where to begin but I feel like I’ve reached my breaking point for so long now. I would appreciate Advice or knowing if anyone else is going through this.

I’ve been married for a couple years now and have experienced living with in-laws. My husband is very close with his family. My in-laws moved in full-time when my husband and I had our first son, to help us out (very thankful & appreciative) but I had developed very bad PPD/PPA . The house was filled with guests time to time and my SIL & her husband were over everyday…even though there was help
I felt like my home wasn’t my home…

Fast-forward almost a year postpartum, I’m still craving for the privacy with my little family.
My in-laws moved out but, now they show up unannounced, at random timings, expecting to see their grandson or to drop something off for my other SIL who lives with us. It literally doesn’t matter what time it is… could be 10am or 10pm… I feel like my anxiety is at an all time high because I never know when they’ll show up.

One night, my husband & I were chilling in the living room watching a show (at 11pm) when all of a sudden we hear our front door unlock… it’s my SIL & her husband showing up with food she didn’t have room for so she was hoping we had room for…when I already told her in a text earlier, it probably won’t fit. What ticked me more was she said she texted me they were coming and I hadn’t answered (my phone was charging and I wasn’t expecting anyone to come)

It’s so frustrating; I never feel relaxed.
they won’t come for days and other times they’ll come MULTIPLE times in a day. I’ve spoken to my husband about this several times and it would result to us having arguments & him to saying “if it were your family I wouldn’t mind it/have a problem with it”. My husband has asked them to let him know when they come but, they almost never do. My husband has also told them we have a bedtime for our son & no visiting after a certain time but they still do… & want to stay till the minute he gets ready for bed.

We have spoken about moving and working towards that goal but it honestly feels like eternity.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading till the end 🤍

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I’m so sorry you feel like you don’t have privacy! Everyone deserves to feel safe at their home and i think it’s your right to have a home! Personally if this happens to me after a while and I tried being respectful etc I’d just start to leave the house anytime they pop over and I didn’t feel like hosting them! Just to show them that i felt that uncomfortable that I had to leave my own home.. because certain boundaries and wishes were not being respected. but no one should feel the need to do that! I think your husband needs to be more understanding and if he can’t then it’s not your fault for trying to convey that message - he should be helping you to make things easier for you.. and if he can’t do that only you know deep down what is best IA! Trust your gut x

I am in a very similar situation!

This is what I’ve done.. i put an extra lock on the door so they can’t get in so easily.

If me and my husband are having our private time and cuddling up on the couch, I will continue to do that and make them feel uncomfortable enough to get that we need our space.

Take baby up half an hour earlier if they’re over till his bedtime.

I have 2 babies under 2 and a lot of the time I’m in my pjs til very late in the day and my in laws show up but now I’ve stopped forcing myself to stop what I’m doing for them. I will stay in my pjs, have breakfast at 2pm when they’re over and grab the remote and put on a film and just pretend they aren’t there. Obvs still be respectful and offer a drink so they don’t fall out with you but I think it’s important to carry on living your day as you would and they should hopefully get the hint.

I hope things get better x

This is so so bad. I'm so sorry you're going through that. What if you were being intimate with your husband and suddenly the in-laws show up? It's just awful.

This is your home not a hotel. Put a sign on the front door saying "no guests allowed unannounced. Thank you"

Then text all the family members saying "unless we have invited you to come over, please do not come unannounced. If you do want to come over please give us at least 2 days notice and we will let you know if we are free that day. We need our privacy as a married couple and a family in our own home. I hope you understand."

Also add an extra lock or change locks as it seems some of them have their own keys?

Hope things improve in sha Allah x

in our community

Is this clever or cruel?

My husband and i were talking and with social media and the internet in general being a terrifying dumpster fire, we are trying to figure out the best way to keep our son safe while still teaching him how to safely be online and moderation.

We landed on the idea of giving him the 90's kid treatment. A computer in the living room for us to keep an eye on what hes doing online, and once we feel hes mature enough to hang with friends without adult supervision he gets a flip phone. When we feel he is responsible enough and he earns and saves up the money for the physical phone, case, and screen cover, then we will be happy to take him to get a smart phone.

I thought this was air tight, but now my brother says its cruel to give a kid a flip phone, and besides he can just use his friends phones at school.

My husband and i remember a time before the internet, and we remember having complete access to something no one understood yet. We saw unspeakable things and are always battling with the urge to put the phone and social media down. I dont want that for my son, especially with his brain so vulnerable still.

If your partners parent passes away

And you and that parent didn't get along are you still go to the funeral?

Not my situation!

Partner no longer wants baby #2

Before our son was born we originally both wanted minimum 2 kids but we were hoping for 3-4. My partner found the birth traumatic to watch and also struggled a lot with the newborn/baby stage. He no longer wants to have any more children and it’s completely breaking my heart. I need another baby. We’ve spoken about it a lot and the options. He said he wasn’t COMPLETELY closed off to it so I asked him to try and work through his feelings and reconsider his decision. He eventually said he definitely doesn’t want another. I know that I will always want one and my feelings will never change. Do we have to break up or does anyone know anything else I can do to help change his mind? Has anyone else’s partner said this and then changed their mind? I don’t want to break up because I adore him and our life together and I’d hate to split up our family for “selfish” reasons and make my son miss out on having both of us together but I just don’t know what to do

Nursery funding

My child turned 9 months last week. I applied for government funded hours nearly 2 months ago and so well within the required timeframe for the April term, however upon receiving my first invoice without the funding applied and having questioned this, I have now been informed that the stretched funding doesn’t start until 4th May.

Has anyone else been told it won’t start until May?

The government site states it should start from April 1st, and so I intentionally set my nursery start and return to work as the start of April for that reason, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to afford the nursery on my sole income without the funding

Jealous of my husband

I’m so jealous of him and it’s making me resentful. We have a ten week old and I’m jealous that he is at work all day. I’m jealous he can leave for lunch and actually eat an uninterrupted lunch. Take a phone call uninterrupted. Chat with a friend he runs in to uninterrupted. Even go to the bathroom when he wants uninterrupted. He comes home from work when he wants. He’s not on a set schedule. Some days are late some are early. It depends on when he’s done. I’m jealous he can come home at 10pm and shower, eat and go right to bed uninterrupted because I already have the baby asleep. He doesn’t have to worry about anything house wise or baby wise because I’ve done it all. Meanwhile I’m covered in puke and crap and smell like rotten milk. When he is home he is VERY active and helpful. So it’s not that. I’m just jealous his world hasn’t changed and mine has I guess. This isn’t something he’s doing wrong so I’m not sure how to get past this. I wish I could keep him home all day because that’s how helpful he is, but I understand he obv needs to work.

Calpol

My mum has just given my 4 year old calpol because he asked for it. He isn’t poorly (although was last week, been fine this week) he just likes the taste of it. My mum didn’t check, didn’t ask, just gave it to him and when I’ve questioned her she said “he asked for it”. Then quizzed 4 year old who said he asked for it because it tastes nice.

How would you react?