Am I going mad?

Hey guys. Does anyone have any info or experience on how conflict in the home affects children? My partner and I have gotten really bad to a point where I’m considering ending it because I’m worried about the the effect it will have on our little girl. He seems to think he seeing us in conflict (name calling, shouting) is absolutely fine because we’ll be ok the rest of the time and it’s good for her to see stuff like that because she’ll learn how to defend herself (!!). I’m of the mind that her seeing things like that is really damaging. We had a huge blowout the other day, it was vile the way we were speaking to each other and it seems to getting worse each time. I’m being called a drama queen for thinking it was that bad and feeling so concerned over it but I don’t think I am..? I don’t want to leave him if I’m honest but I will ultimately do what’s best for our daughter. Thoughts please? Xx

Read more on Peanut

The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.

Learn more about our guidelines.

Add a comment

I agree with this to an extent. I believe children can always tell the emotions going on around them but don’t believe for a second it’s something they should experience. Myself and my partner have got into some really really nasty arguments since my daughter has been born, and the guilt that goes through me knowing she’s witnessed it, even though she’s so young. Ultimately I think it’s something that you have to wholeheartedly believe it’s going to stop x

We went though this after the birth of our first born. Hand on heart, I have no idea how we got though it!! We were horrific, nothing but hatred for eachother. We would scream and shout, name call, constantly. And I worried so much that my son was witnessing it (very young at the time)

But we stuck it out, and now, after our second baby, we are better than we have ever been! We have built such a solid family unit, and realised that if we can get though such shit times, we can get through anything.

Ultimately you both need to be happy, for your daughter, but most importantly for yourselves!!
Babies put soo much pressure on a relationship, you're both tired, you both have different ideas on parenting, you have very little time for eachother, and your dynamics have to change completely.
What helped us, was when we weren't screaming and shouting, we sat down and had a genuine adult conversation about what we wanted, what wasn't working etc. We also realised that it's all so normal! Fingers crossed for you x

The health visitor said no argument in front of LO ever at all. I don't see how that's possible but we're trying. Name calling and shouting is definitely not ok, it really affected me seeing my dad do that growing up. I was scared of him then hated him. I had to learn in my own adult relationships that name calling is never ok. I thought it was due to my parents. Thank god I somehow landed a partner who had healthy parents

No guarantee a kid will learn how to defend themselves. That needs to be modelled for a kid they don't just magically learn it by trial and error. If they're scared they will be too scared to try anything

That being said maybe you can work on it and don't need to leave him. Unless he refuses to try to improve - you deserve better too! You've got to do what's right for you and baby

Can you mention that you want a bit of a break? I’ve been going though something similar. I got to a point where I asked for to separate for a bit, it’s hard of course but it’s minimised the arguing for the sake of my baby boy. We still have our moments of being frustrated with each other but nothing like before, my parents got divorced when I was 5 and I’m still struggling with it now, I’ve never wanted this for my boy and I have no idea what’s the best decision to make at the moment but at least he’s got 2 parents that can at least be civil 90% of the time now

Me and my partner used to argue all of the time when she was younger as he liked a drink and never helped me now (better now btw) but I found that this has effected our eldest as she hates going into enviroments with loud noises etc and is always stuck to us at kids parties etc and I think that this is due to all the shouting when she was younger Xx

Thank you ladies, I appreciate your words of wisdom 😊🙏🏽

in our community

Is this clever or cruel?

My husband and i were talking and with social media and the internet in general being a terrifying dumpster fire, we are trying to figure out the best way to keep our son safe while still teaching him how to safely be online and moderation.

We landed on the idea of giving him the 90's kid treatment. A computer in the living room for us to keep an eye on what hes doing online, and once we feel hes mature enough to hang with friends without adult supervision he gets a flip phone. When we feel he is responsible enough and he earns and saves up the money for the physical phone, case, and screen cover, then we will be happy to take him to get a smart phone.

I thought this was air tight, but now my brother says its cruel to give a kid a flip phone, and besides he can just use his friends phones at school.

My husband and i remember a time before the internet, and we remember having complete access to something no one understood yet. We saw unspeakable things and are always battling with the urge to put the phone and social media down. I dont want that for my son, especially with his brain so vulnerable still.

If your partners parent passes away

And you and that parent didn't get along are you still go to the funeral?

Not my situation!

Partner no longer wants baby #2

Before our son was born we originally both wanted minimum 2 kids but we were hoping for 3-4. My partner found the birth traumatic to watch and also struggled a lot with the newborn/baby stage. He no longer wants to have any more children and it’s completely breaking my heart. I need another baby. We’ve spoken about it a lot and the options. He said he wasn’t COMPLETELY closed off to it so I asked him to try and work through his feelings and reconsider his decision. He eventually said he definitely doesn’t want another. I know that I will always want one and my feelings will never change. Do we have to break up or does anyone know anything else I can do to help change his mind? Has anyone else’s partner said this and then changed their mind? I don’t want to break up because I adore him and our life together and I’d hate to split up our family for “selfish” reasons and make my son miss out on having both of us together but I just don’t know what to do

Nursery funding

My child turned 9 months last week. I applied for government funded hours nearly 2 months ago and so well within the required timeframe for the April term, however upon receiving my first invoice without the funding applied and having questioned this, I have now been informed that the stretched funding doesn’t start until 4th May.

Has anyone else been told it won’t start until May?

The government site states it should start from April 1st, and so I intentionally set my nursery start and return to work as the start of April for that reason, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to afford the nursery on my sole income without the funding

Jealous of my husband

I’m so jealous of him and it’s making me resentful. We have a ten week old and I’m jealous that he is at work all day. I’m jealous he can leave for lunch and actually eat an uninterrupted lunch. Take a phone call uninterrupted. Chat with a friend he runs in to uninterrupted. Even go to the bathroom when he wants uninterrupted. He comes home from work when he wants. He’s not on a set schedule. Some days are late some are early. It depends on when he’s done. I’m jealous he can come home at 10pm and shower, eat and go right to bed uninterrupted because I already have the baby asleep. He doesn’t have to worry about anything house wise or baby wise because I’ve done it all. Meanwhile I’m covered in puke and crap and smell like rotten milk. When he is home he is VERY active and helpful. So it’s not that. I’m just jealous his world hasn’t changed and mine has I guess. This isn’t something he’s doing wrong so I’m not sure how to get past this. I wish I could keep him home all day because that’s how helpful he is, but I understand he obv needs to work.

NHS job

Anyone work for the NHS and does 12 hour shifts? How do you work around childcare and your partners job?