I feel like I don’t want my parents in my baby’s life. What do I do?
Long story short, I feel a need to either cut off, or severely limit contact with my parents as I feel uncomfortable with them in my baby’s life. They are toxic and very odd, in different but equally toxic ways. My mum is narcissistic, controlling and highly judgemental of how I parent/live my life. What I do is never good enough for her. I’m always failing in her eyes. She also is in denial about being a grandmother as she calls my 15 month old “the baby”, and always has done, rather than using his name, and has still not picked a “name” for herself (grandma, nana, etc.) My dad is also very manipulative and puts me down a lot. He has also shown red flag creepy behaviour through odd comments and behaviours re our little one (we’ve never left him alone with him for this reason). He seems to have a fixation with being constantly in close proximity with him and getting him alone (always takes every opportunity to follow or carry him out of the room, then we intervene). He also been a bit creepy towards me at times. My parents are split up, but both regularly cause me to feel guilt, anger, sadness, anxiety and inadequacy. Because of my toxic upbringing I am a people pleaser and find confrontation extremely anxiety provoking. How do I go about telling them I want distance from them/cutting them off/limiting contact ? (I already don’t see them a lot. I see my dad maybe once every couple months and my mum on average 1-2 times per fortnight) Is it unfair to them as grandparents?
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Firstly I'm so sorry that you've had to experience this with your parents. It's really heartbreaking when we have to let go, go no contact with a parent or both, and then grieve that relationship. Even when they aren't good to us or for us, it doesn't make it any easier. I myself had a long tough road with going no contact with my mother and stepfather. It was many years of back and forth until I finally had the last straw, which honestly, with all the crazy unhealthy things that occurred, it should have happened way sooner. I have a 2 year old son and I haven't spoken to my mom in 5 years but it was almost 15 years ago that it all started to break open. I have never even told her she has a grandchild. I will not let her into his world at all. He will never know her for his own protection. If you intuitively feel that your parents are not safe for your child, I say, never doubt yourself or your mama bear instinct. Trust yourself and make the hard decisions. You can do it!! 💕🙌🏽
Just tell your family that I want to cut you out of my babys life. You don't need to talk to them. I would just text them, and if they are nasty to you, just ignore them. Don't let them get you upset. Just enjoy your life with your baby
Ugh this sounds so hard. I’m sorry you had this upbringing and that it is even transferring into your experience of motherhood. My MIL is the same and her son doesn’t even see it. So your awareness is great! I think you can make the choice if you want to be upfront or more subtle with cutting contact. A simple phrase of now is not a good time is direct but not as abrasive.
I cut ties with my family 3 years ago and they’re not in my daughter’s life (only my older brother) and honestly it’s the best thing I’ve done. It’s hard at first and takes a while to adapt but it will be so much better in the end xx
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