First time stepmom

I think the conversation was pretty good. What was his reply? He asked and you explained.

well he’s 14 and saving his money up for a laptop so he’s trying to find one “used”. I didn’t grow up with money because after my dad died my mom raised the 3 of us by herself. So I had to learn how to be a savvy/smart shopper before I was his age. He’s been spoiled his whole life so I want him to learn to be a savvy/smart shopper because he might not be rich or even make decent money when he’s older or in college.

I mean you were being annoying if I'm honest lol. Why did he need to answer those questions? Maybe they feel you hover often and want them to just be complicit. I don't think he was disrespectful here

Yeah I just wouldn't entertain it. You can't really really discipline because you're a step mom and it's just not the same as bio mom but you can not tolerate disrespect. I would instantly stop situations if any disrespectful behavior went on for example like if everyone is eating or friends are over etc. If he's disrespectful they have to go home and tell the friends why and sorry his behavior is not going to be tolerated children are like puppies potty training if you stop every single time you see an accident and address it the puppy will stop peeing in doors just don't let anything slide and reward good behavior loudly and positively

I’ve got 2 step kids. And I can tell you, now that you’re a step mom you gotta pick and choose your battles. Know when to push and when to step back. Because as much as we care, love and accept them the dynamic is different from our own children that we carried and birthed. And I understand you haven’t done that yet.
I was also a step mom first and then I had my son.
I think his response back to you “why am I being interrogated” has an attitude undertone but I think you pressed when you didn’t have to. When he said “they have the specs I want” I woulda responded with something along the lines of ok cool!
And left it at that.
If he constantly has an attitude, which alot of teens do, bring it to Dad’s attention to get him to step in and correct. You have good intentions but sometimes, the correction isn’t received too well from step mom’s or anyone other than mom and dad.

I don’t see that he said anything disrespectfully here, (not saying it doesn’t happen in other ways though). I would say when it comes to teens, it’s perfectly fine and important to guide them through life teaching them the better way to do things, like you did here…BUT…with teens, it’s all about the tone. They will listen more and respect what you say more if they find you relatable or that you “get them”.

Here, I’d show excitement first…”oh yay! You found one you liked? Awesome! Ok, let’s make sure you’re getting your moneys worth! Sometimes refurbished can be sketch, but sometimes it’s a great way to save money…the key is to look at the specs/reviews and make sure the seller is valid. We can look at some links together and make sure! Hopefully it works out, if not, nbd, we’ll find something better!”

Teens are naturally seeking independence, so when we make them feel like we are insulting their intelligence, they get defensive and disrespect and attitudes build. Just change it up!

I personally expected to read the texts and see something wild, but that was very mild, and not really disrespectful imo. In his brain he’s saying “it’s my money, why am I being questioned so heavily on how I will be spending it”
And you gave a wonderful answer, and a genuine one.

You are doing a solid job but I’m just somebody on the outside peeking in 🤷‍♀️

I don’t see the disrespect here? Maybe he’s disrespectful to you in person, idk.. but he didn’t say anything wrong here. Sometimes we just have to let teens learn their own lessons. Your response to him reminds me of my mom. Being too overbearing and making the situation stressful. I would have rolled my eyes and just stopped texting you tbh lol.

he kinda understood and answered with better knowledge of what he was talking about thankfully. The thing is though, he has an attitude quite frequently with all of us except his stepdad who me and his father are under the impression is aggressive with him.

I don’t think his message was disrespectful. He did follow up with a “no offense” because he realized that it sounded rude. My younger cousin is the same age and she says things that older generations may think is “disrespectful” but it’s expression. I think you should’ve explained to him the reason (like you did above in comment) why you want him to research. & if he spends $200-$300 on a used laptop, just let him know it may have an issue and that’ll be a learning lesson. No need to make him feel bad about it

yeah, I talked to his dad and I calmed down before I responded. I know I can’t really discipline him and you’re right the dynamic is different with me being a step mom and not his bio. I he understood why I was asking all that once I explained it to him and he answered accordingly. I knew it was going to be difficult coming in when they’re teens, and I knew I was difficult as a teen, but for some reason I guess I was blinded by the thought of having any kind of kid since I can’t have any of my own.

Maybe talk to him, in front of dad if u prefer, and let him kno that u want whats best for him. You are there for him and love him. But you don't like how he talks to you. If he has a problem with you to please let you know. If there are times he gets upset, go outside or for a mini walk if thats ok with yal to cool off..
In his defense, he did say no offense, maybe he didn mean it the way it came across, but I absolutely get ur point there..
Again, he is the teenage age but still, dnt let that fly by too much either.

Lemme ask you this, what is respect to you? Obedience. Not being challenged. Not being questioned. Seems like you’re already counting him out in life to be nothing then you’re trying to raise him to accept it. As a parent or stepparent, you need to really evaluate yourself and the way you were raised. I was raised by fear not respect, It made me adjust far worse in this world. Now I have preteens being raised off respect. They’re the most emotional intelligent, high level thinking, respectful and responsible kids I’ve ever seen. My advice mom to stepmom is to have frequent conversations beyond the surface with him, take yourself off the totem pole, go do something physical together where it requires communication, trust, team bonding and more.

To be honest I’d rather have my mom or my dad telling me this than my step mom. I get you did it from a place of love and care but sounds more like controlling for a teen in my opinion and can trigger answers that could go ruder. Tbh I would have felt like why is this person overstepping her role and mommying me.. like even if I liked my step mom I’d want her to stay in her limited role and only talk when something affects the peace of the house rather than to raise me right.. but this is my opinion..

I can see in his reaction he didn’t like this so I’d save all this caring talk for when your kids will be teens. If you do it more times he might go to his mom and say these things and may sound to his bio mom as if she didn’t do a good job especially since his dad is already saying this... even if dad is on board for this maybe tell his dad and he can do these kind of talks rather than you. For them you’re still an outsider

I’m not from the deep south, but I’m from Texas, and I have roots in Mississippi. I see a little of what you mean because I personally can’t imagine questioning an adult’s authority. But what I also remember from that dynamic, is jerk ass adults thinking they could talk and act any kind of way knowing that I couldn’t talk back. I think we all remember that person who abused their authority in the name of respect. I’m glad it’s not the norm anymore.

I think you can support the mom and dad by letting them take the lead and just following through. I wouldn’t want my stepmom playing disciplinarian or jailer with me either.

By the way, I think your answer was good. Do you think you’d get a better result if you spoke face to face on these matters? Texts can be overly familiar and flippant by nature.

Good luck!

It does sound like you were interrogating him. I would be annoyed too, especially if it was coming from a step parent. Instead of trying to fact check him (what's your source), maybe ask like you are interested in his best interest rather than like you're trying to prove a point and "catch him"

I don’t find anything disrespectful here.

I’m a step mum too xx

I actually do think that the conversation would have gone better if it were in person because texts can be misconstrued. I haven’t been in their life long so he also might not be all that comfortable with me yet so I had to think about that before I replied. I leave the discipline up to the kids bio parents and their stepdad (because their mom has custody) because I don’t feel like it’s my place to do anything other than letting them know what’s happening. I definitely don’t want them to feel like I’m using my authority as an adult to be a jerk but I also don’t want them to think they can walk all over me either so I’m learning how to walk that fine line. I can’t have kids so I’m new to this but I was a live in nanny for a while so I know how to handle kids and I love kids, I’m just not used to dealing with teens.

yeah, I realized that asking for his source was problematic after I asked. I can’t have kids so I’m still learning how to handle teens. I was live in nanny for a while so I’m good with little kids but I have no experience with teens.

I do t see anything in that conversation as him being disrespectful, and honestly as someone who’s mom got remarried when I was 12 and already raised a certain way I didn’t want my step dad giving me new rules or anything and I made it very clear that I would respect him as a person but I wasn’t going to listen to any rules that didn’t come directly from my parents. It’s hard getting a step parent at an older age, give them grace.

Lol teenagers are often moody and mean, try not to take it so personally! They've got so many new hormones surging, academic and social pressures, and their brains are still far from fully developed. They're also people and deserve mutual respect and tolerance. Of course actual rudeness and disrespect needs to be addressed, but this brief interaction you've shown here doesn't convey that imo...he's just irritated. I'd just respond 'sorry, I don't mean to come off that way! It's just expensive and it'll be important to make sure it's the right one!' It still gets your point across whilst acknowledging his feelings too. Also 'tote a whoppin' what on earth are you talking about violence is never the answer??? It just shows you've lost control and have to act like an ass in order to feel like you're in charge.

yeah, I took that into consideration before I replied to him. I never had a step-parent because my mom didn’t remarry after my dad died but my dad was my siblings stepdad so I had learned from them that it’s a very precarious line to walk. I’m still learning and I want to be the best stepmom that I can be, I just have to figure out what kind of stepmom I want to be you know? I downloaded this app so I could become the best stepmom by talking to all you moms and learning from you guys. I can’t have kids of my own so I’m still new to this, I’ve only been in their life for a little over a year.

Something to consider with this role, there are gonna be times where it’s damn if you do damn if you don’t. You can have the best intentions, but you might be looked at sideways all because you are not their bio mom. Some will use the term overstepping, not staying in your lane etc., use the first few years in this role to really figure out where you fit in. Some step kids and their bio parents don’t want an additional parent for their kids and when that happens you’re better off taking a step back and just being supportive. I know you said you leave the discipline to the bio’s, leave the parenting to them as well.

And I’m sorry to read that you’re having trouble having your own child. That’s gotta make this whole blended family dynamic even tougher. I hope everything works out for you sweetheart 🫶🏽

I am, and I’m also reminding myself constantly that I’m new to this so I have to give myself grace also or I’ll always be hard on myself. But I do defer to the bio parents and their stepdad for discipline, I don’t believe that it’s my right to discipline them.

yeah, I try to not really parent them too much without asking their mom first if I can do something because I don’t want her to feel like I’m trying to replace her or overstep. I don’t believe it’s my place to do any of that and I call myself a bonus mom for that reason.

That's makes sense. It's new territory and a tough one to navigate. I wonder if since you can't have kids there is a part of you that wants to mother these teens (even though you know it's not the right thing to do at this stage). I say this because your text exchange sounds like what a mom would say. Your heart and intentions seem to be in the right place, so it's unfair that you get shut down. You may think about channeling that energy in a way that will be rewarding and well received. You could look into volunteering, getting a pet, or doing something that will foster and embrace the maternal side.

I was raised with respect by a single mom who was dealing with a traumatized child that just watched her father die. I was 7 when that happened. So please ma’am don’t bring my upbringing or my mom into the equation. I can’t have kids because I had cancer at 18 so this is my first time and I’ve only been doing it for a year. That’s why I started looking for a way to find a community of moms so I could learn from them. I didn’t think it was disrespectful that he questioned me because I was raised to question everything and to think for myself. But I was raised to be respectful with my choice of words when questioning my elders. Thank you for the advice and helping me realize that I need to step back and think about how I’m approaching them.

yeah, he’s a bit hot headed like his dad but he’s a good boy and he’s so sweet ❤️ he’s really emotional and takes most things to heart so I try not to be too hard on him but I also don’t want to let him think he can be disrespectful. I think he’s hitting puberty though so that’s probably why he gets sassy 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just want to make sure I don’t cross a line or anything.

Is the screenshot you posted him being disrespectful? I feel like he’s answering just fine especially for a teenager- he says no offense and is asking why you’re asking so many questions. He’s not talking back or saying anything out of line - you may be reading a tone that isn’t there. It’s really hard to tell tone from texts.

i totally get that.. Trying to raise him with respect.. It can also be hard for us to tell considering we aren't sure how he tends to act other times. Can b a lot going on, puberty, school, being with there with yal, if/when he goes to his moms,etc... If I was reading right, i dont have kids, correct?

yeah, I trouble reading someone’s tone through a text but it wasn’t necessarily what he said but how he said it. I wasn’t mean to him or anything when I replied, I just answered all of his questions. I want him to be inquisitive and to question authority, I just want to help him learn how to do it properly so that it’s clear but respectful. Idk if that really makes sense, but I just don’t want him to get in trouble in the future if he does question authority like his boss or even cops. You know?

exactly! He lives with his mom/stepdad so they raise him and I don’t want to take raising him away from her because that’s not my place. But I want him to learn that there’s a right way to question authority figures. That way, in the future, if he were to question his boss or even cops he won’t get into trouble. You can get into worse trouble with a cop if you don’t know how to phrase your question properly. You know?

that’s okay and I’m glad you’re open to learning and improving. Sounds like you’re a caring person it’s just that it’s not easy with teens. I’m sure they’ll love you and cherish you because you really care x

No child should ever get a whoopin. I actually think you have issues with your own upbringing. And if that was my child and you was his step mum with that attitude you wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near him.
If you want to change things you should actually approach him and tell him your sorry and ask him if we can start again

I don't think this was rude at all, I think a better approach would be let's check it out together, when are you free? Then if something's off guide him or do your research and send him a suggestion on what he thinks. It'll go a long way to strengthening your relationship.

yeah, I’m still learning how to be a stepmom and I’ve told him that. I also told him I’m gonna make mistakes and that I’m sorry if I do and to just bear with me. He’s such a smart and kind young man, our relationship isn’t broken but we are still building it. I’ve only been in his life for a little over a year so I’m gonna make mistakes, but atleast I’m trying to learn from them so that I can be a better bonus mom.

yeah, I think I was a little too blunt with him and didn’t soften it enough. I softened it later in the texts but you’re right I should have softened it in the beginning. Our relationship is actually really good, and I do leave the parenting and discipline to the parents. I don’t believe that it’s my place to do either of those things. That’s why I call myself the Bonus Mom, I think of myself like I’m their best friends mom. I can guide them to water but I can’t make them drink, you know? But he understood why I was asking all that after I explained to him. He’s a sweet boy, he just has no filter and I have to remind myself of that.

I did hate that as a teen, but I wasn’t trying to have that come off as that but I can see how it would. I’m still learning how to talk to them, I’ve only been in their life for a lil over a year so I’m still learning. I was just trying to help him and I talk like that just in general but I can see that I was approaching it all wrong. I’ve told him before that I’m still learning and I’m going to make mistakes, but if he’ll just bear with me I’ll get better at this. He understands all of that and is actually being really patient. I just have to keep reminding myself that teenagers have attitudes just like I did.

that's all you can do and it's quite difficult becoming a step parent to older children. My stepdad arrived in our lives when I was 13 and I remember him guiding us, being present in key moments but he never disciplined us, he always I think secretly went to my mom to lead. Which went a long way in our relationship though admittedly it took me a long time to warm to him.

yeah, my stepson was 13 when I came into his life and my stepdaughter was 14, they’re both a year older now. That’s all I’m trying to do because I don’t feel like it’s my place to do anything other than that. I just have to find a way to do that without coming across as being authoritarian.

awww 🥰 thank you. I really appreciate that! We do have such an open line of communication and I’m so happy about that. My mom talked to me like an adult and I always wanted to be able to do that with my kids. Well I may not have kids of my own, but I got lucky cause god blessed me with 2 really smart kids who I can do that with instead. ❤️🙏

You’ve been in their lives for two seconds. Their parents are divorced and who knows how they’re processing that and then you describe them as feral. Total ew on your part. Of course you’re going to receive push back. Respect is earned no matter ur age. Become
Their friend. You have no place demanding respect in my opinion.
My daughter is ten. Her step father has been in her life for three years now. Is he the best dad? No. No he’s not. He expects that respect without putting in the work. Work that reaches her. So there are times she’s snippy and I do understand her point of view. I’ll have a little talk to w her but I’m not mad. No child should give blind respect. They have feelings and opinions too. And for the dad to just blame it on the mom…. Says a lot about who he is as a dad. He takes no responsibility what so ever. That’s a red flag to me. A big one. I also just saw that he cheated on you. U deserve better sweetheart. You’re absolutely gorgeous.

I don’t demand respect, I don’t even see myself as an authority figure. I’ve already stated that I don’t think it’s my plate to do the parenting or disciplining. I’ve also already stated that after I sent the message I realized how it came across, and that to me it’s not that he questioned me. It’s the words he chose. I was raised to question everything, including authority, but if I was questioning authority then I do it respectfully. Because my question could be totally innocent but if phrased incorrectly it could get me into bigger trouble. My mom has worked with the police for almost my entire life and I wasn’t the best person so I know the consequences of saying the wrong words. He’s 14, so in 4 more years he’ll be 18. I just want to help him atleast better understand this. He could have said “Why are you asking so many questions” but he said “why are you interrogating me”. It’s the same question yes, but they generate 2 completely different reactions with everyone.

How I talked in the texts is how I talk in real life, he knows that. I should have approached it better, that was my fault. And teenagers are feral in general, I know I was and just about every parent I know regardless of age will say that or at the least say sometimes they are. So I’m not saying that as insult or throwing shade. Also, their parents have been divorced since they were babies, it’s not new and they’re used it to.

You’re forgetting the part where respect is earned and you’re still new. And while he could have responded better, he’s just a child and probably wasn’t taught better. And it won’t get better at all if his father is not putting him in his place and teaching him how to address people that should be respected.

This is not ur fault. It all takes time. And you shouldn’t have to shoulder the responsibility of it by yourself

I got to see him yesterday, we talked about it in person and I told him that I’m sorry if my texts were coming off as invasive and that I was just asking because I want to make sure he’s getting his moneys worth and not being ripped off. He laughed and said he understands and that I was being invasive, he just didn’t know why I was asking him so many questions. We hugged and then went an sprayed a bunch of air freshener in the DG to pick one out 😅
Crisis averted thanks to all the advice and help from all of you lovely ladies ❤️