So over it

I’ve been pumping for four months and I’m just so over it. I’m over the constant routine, the worrying about going out incase I miss a pump. I feel like I’ve let my baby down when I have to give formula in the night because I can’t fit in sleeping, feeding and pumping and my supply isn’t great anyway in the evening. I know it’s completely stupid to worry but I just wish I’d known how difficult it is and how almost impossible it is to build a supply and not substitute with formula.
It has provided me with the freedom I wanted ie to go out when I want to see friends etc but I am wondering if I am wasting my time with it all now and if what I’m doing is providing my child with the immunity and protection I wanted for them.
I’m already finally starting to crack under the lack of sleep, still getting up four times in the night. Just want to quit!

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I stopped BF/Pumping at 7 weeks. My supply was low and I was having to supplement. I felt I gave it my all and she atleast got a few weeks under her belt from me. There is not shame going formula over BF or vice versa. You have to be happy and healthy and sane. Enjoy your baby knowing they are fed and loved!

I second , fed and loved is the most important thing!
And for what it’s worth I only made it to 2 months of pumping before switching to exclusive formula feeding for exactly the reasons you described.
I believe it was worthwhile and I have a tiny stash in case LO gets sick in the next 6 months
The biggest plus has been having energy and presence of mind to take care of my baby and myself.

I admire your dedication! I'm kinda feeling the same way right now. I want to keep pumping so I can give my baby those benefits, but it is exhausting. My husband has told me that if it's mentally easier for me, we can just do formula, but I would feel so guilty if I stopped doing what I'm able to, because I've worked so hard to get where I am now. It already makes me so sad that I can't breastfeed anymore.

I am so over it too! I keep telling myself “it’s just the first year” I am only two months in so hoping I can keep going!

I have days where i want to give up ..i am 5months 1 week in ..ive always said i want to till shes 1 years old ...

I pump 7 times in a 24 hour period not sure when to drop a pump

I admire everyone who’s been pumping for several months!
I think it’s a wonderful thing to do for your baby for as long as you can make it. Sending love!

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I think Motherhood has made me more bitter than I realized…

This is such a ramble but I don’t know where else to put it all.

I’m four months in and I don’t really have hobbies right now. I don’t do anything for myself except maybe doomscrolling or listening to a podcast while I breastfeed my baby. I used to craft and have game nights with friends. Activities that usually are at least 2 hour stretches. Now if I have an hour free my mind immediately goes to baby, or doing something in the house for baby.

And I thought I didn’t mind. Like I knew postpartum could be very mentally consuming. But I think it’s altering how I view people around me and it’s prodding at my relationship with my husband.

He spends most of his time making food for us, looking after our dogs, playing with the baby, ect. But he still has time for his hobby. Spends maybe an hour a night on it. Even adapted to using a bot for shopping for his hobby after a certain incident where we had to have a heart to heart after he left me home alone with the baby for hours during a busy workday (I work from home) to shop for his hobby.

And yet there’s like this little green eyed monster in me that rages every time I know he’s running off to start up the bot. Even though I’m the reason he does it this way.

We took a family trip last weekend to see his best friend and their kids and let them meet the baby. He brought the laptop. He’s always brought a laptop on trips and it’s never been a problem to me before. But one night we both woke up while the baby was still asleep, and he wandered out of the room. I tried to fall back asleep but couldn’t. So I went to the kitchen to try having something warm to drink to settle me. And he was there at the table running the bot from his laptop. I flipped out at him. But there really wasn’t reason to. It’s not like I needed help with the baby and he was ignoring me. He wasn’t avoiding our friends. He was just awake and unable to sleep and found something to do with his time. Yet my snap reaction was “why the hell would you do this on a family trip?”

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the less complete sleep from baby’s middle of the night feed? My brain being just consumed by baby? Maybe I’m not as over that shopping incident as I thought? But I’m just so annoyed at his hobby right now. The green eyed monster thinks “you could be using that time differently” but realistically to do what exactly??? Stare at our baby in the dark???

I spent probably an hour apologizing to him after I snapped. And he’s of course hurt and frustrated because I said some very mean things in the moment.

I don’t want to be this jealous, angry person. But I also don’t know how to find time for myself in this right now outside of basic hygiene. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to be myself, even if just for an hour.

Maybe I need a therapist.

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