To bring 4 year old to visit her dying grandma or not?

As someone who wasn’t allowed to see their grandma because their parents deemed them “too young” let her. My grandma was my favorite person and I feel like I never got closure, then she was cremated and sent back to her home state so I don’t even have a place to visit her.

Other side of the coin to the above, I saw my dying aunt as a child and it terrified me. The wires, the beeps, how gaunt and ill she looked. I also saw my great grandmother when I was older and I wish I hadn’t either. I swear that’s where my white coat syndrome came from.

My kids great grandma just died and my husband went home for the funeral. We’ve told her about heaven and that she’s there now and happy and my very sensitive 4 year old is okay with that.

My kids did not come with me to see my dad when he was dying on cancer. He was at the stage where he wasn’t conscious, not drinking and eating and rattled as he breathed. It was not the right environment for them. My mil refused to see the grandchildren when she got to that point.

I have lost my mum dad nan and grandad in the last 6 years, I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone especially children. My daughter is now 6 and she talks about my mum the most as that was last year and was around her dying as she lived with me so I could care for her. 4 is a little young however death has no age limit plus it will be comforting for your MIL xx

Yes

While I don’t want u to traumatize ur kid based on what Sarah said but it’s life. Death happens and while she may be wired up and it might be hard to see I would take her to see ur grandma especially since they have a bond. I’d regret it if I didn’t and this is literally her last chance to say goodbye. Not everyone gets the chance to say goodbye to their love ones so when given the chance I’d take it

If you do decide to take her maybe get a little bag of gifts from MIL so the last visit she is still the gift giver and it could be her last chance to give something (a keepsake memorial piece and something your 4yo would like to share whilst at the visit chocolates your MIL might be able to have one of or a small toy)
It is a sensitive subject but as said above it could do your MIL so much needed comfort of saying goodbye if that’s something she is comfortable with doing x

What’s her mental state like? Can grandma talk? Or will she just be laid there asleep?

If can still talk, engage etc then I’d be more inclined to take her.

However I do also believe kids understand things the more you speak about it. If you tell her she’s really really poorly, not getting better etc. The more you say it the more she’ll understand.

I think by 4 children have better understanding than we sometimes give credit for. I would sit and have an open conversation state that grandma is very very poorly and isn't going to get better. There may well be some children's books to help explain this I'd ask at your local library. I'd then ask my child if they would like to go and say goodbye to grandma. I would also talk about all the lovely memories you have together with her and say that we will always love grandma and even once she's gone we will always have those lovely memories together ❤️ so sorry for what you're all going through xx

We took my son when my husband’s grandmother was passing, and he hated it. I don’t think he remembers now (was 2-3 years ago now) but at the time he found it unsettling.

You could maybe ask her, so she can decide what she wants to do?

I would ask her. Yes she's 4, but I would gently explain that this may be the last time she sees her, that it might be scary because she might seem different. Reassure her you'll be there with her and can leave when she needs to (if you can accommodate that). But that if she'd rather not go and keep happier memories thats ok too. I personally think its important she understands BEFORE she goes, not while it's all happening. Shes going to be upset wither way but she's allowed - it's human. I get your partner sating 'no good' will come of it but of course it won't. Its death, and grief and all those other 'bad' emotions (theres no such thing imo but thats another conversation lol). I believe by being honest and giving her options, she might not understand now but as an adult, she'll probably look back and be grateful. Good luck babe x

I have an idea, what about if you explain that shes poorly and write a letter. You can write what they want to say to her and if your MIL is willing write down a lovely reply letter for them so they got to say goodbye but also have a nice letter back to remember her and know she loved them to the very end?

Just a thought x

You could write it on your MILs behalf if she cant do it and maybe your 4 year old could do a picture, make it a card or soemthing (even its stickers on it) but something so your MIL has a little slice of love next to her from them in her last moments xxx

My daughter was just 3yrs 9mos when my mum died, in a hospice, with cancer.
I took her and my twins (2.5) to go see on a Saturday. We thought she had a couple months left. She died on the weds. Take the kids. You'll never regret giving her one last hug with her grandkids.

My daughter saw her Grandad just over a week before he died. She also saw him in the hospice as well as home when he was dying of cancer. She admittedly was only 10 months but I will never forget the smile that her Grandad had when he was able to cuddle her just one last time.

Let her visit her but she doesn’t need to know it’s a goodbye she can just go and chit chat about toddler things with grandma and be like the one person who treats as she always has and not like she’s dying and feeling sad . I’ve seen many people on hospice including 2 of my own grandparents 1 of which my toddler adored and he just went and acted his normal and I could c my grandpa try to smile but he was near the end so not really talking at that point and my toddler understands what dead means and we told him after he passed and he went and waved at the funeral towards the casket.

Id get her books about death and read them to her before see grandma so she understands what is happening to some degree. I mean on wild krattz death is mentioned a few times and recently at bedtime she asked "what does dying mean?"

If my inlaws were dying id absolutely take my 3yr old to see them and say goodbye. She spends quite a bit of time with them and calls their home her other home. BUT id not take her to an open casket funeral.

I’m not sure a 4 year old needs to read a book about death. There is lots of other ways to explain the fact her Grandma isn’t here anymore rather than that.

It would depend on how close the relationship was for me. I think if she had spent a significant amount of time with her, I would. My ex husband was traumatized seeing his grandfather in his final moments. He was older than 4. This is a tough decision for sure. Put yourself in your child’s place. Would it scare you?

I don't think she'll even remember, my cousin was 4 when our papa passed and she does remember the good times with him but she says she doesn't remember seeing him sick or in the hospital at all

i feel as though the last few pictures and words shared are more important than only having good memories. the good memories will still be there, but if you don’t say goodbye, that’s never going to happen again.