Is it selfish to split up from my husband?

Just for a bit of background, me and my husband have been together for 10 years. We have a 2.5 year old, 1 year old (April baby) and a dog.

I'm not sure if this makes a difference but he was my first boyfriend and we met when I was 20. I'm now 30 and just feel like he doesn't give me what I want out of a relationship. We've had the same conversation over and over and over again, he says he's going to change and put more effort in but the effort dies after a few days.

My biggest problem is the lack of affection, general intimacy and sex. I've told him repeatedly for a long time that the marriage I want involves all of those things and if we don't have that then we might as well just be friends. I understand that life has been crazy for the past few years with the kids etc. but bottom line, I want my husband to want to have sex with me.

I find it absolutely mortifying and humiliating that I have to constant ask and be rejected. It just feels like everything falls onto me. The thing is, if we split up then I just can't fathom only seeing my kids half of the week but I'm also not happy in the relationship. Do I just suck it up and be unhappy for the sake of the kids or do we split up so I can look for what I need in another partner and just see my kids 50/50?

in our community

Equal parenting

I’m almost 3 months PP now and I love being a mum, it’s everything I ever dreamed it would be.
However what isn’t is the lack of joint responsibility as a parent from my husband. Since Freddie was born I have done every night shift, every bedtime feed/routine, I carry the mental load (bottle prep, bottle washing, nappies, inventory, day trips and feeding times) and he doesn’t seem to understand the weight of carrying it alone. I have worked so hard to establish a good nighttime routine to the point where he is sleeping 7-7 and feeding once in the night and I don’t want him to undo that. There are so many tasks that he could do that could lift the weight off my shoulders but doesn’t and I just feel like I shouldn’t have to spell it out for him.
I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to be less controlling, it’s just hard because he hasn’t shown any interest unless I complain about it and wants to prove a point that he can do it. It’s destroying our friendship and causing far too many arguments.

I just need to be heard I think…

Tough one for me to share hence being anonymous but I just need to check I’m not crazy or in the wrong…

I split with my partner when my LO was 6 weeks old and I left in a really bad way mentally. The relationship was emotionally abusive and coercive and I almost lost my family as a result. Ex partner dictated my birth, family weren’t even present for the first 6 weeks and it crushed me.

Since then he’s seeing my LO a maximum of once a week. I don’t drive so he blames travel, my decision to end the relationship, basically anything I do or say is pulled into question.

When he does have our LO, he rings if he’s not settling and says our son doesn’t like him or his house anymore because he’s living elsewhere. I send him with everything even prepared homemade purred foods. If I don’t sit him down and tell him what to do I’m at fault.

He’s cancelled seeing our boy to paint his house, work overtime and today he rearranged at 9:45 when he was supposed to be having him overnight.

He’s in a full time stable job but criticised me for challenging the overtime when it came at the expense of time with our LO and he blew up, saying he needs the money for childcare and increasing costs.

Few bug bears with that;

He uses recreational drugs every weekend;
He constantly lends money and isn’t managing his finances
He’s out at the pub now instead of seeing his son.

I’m constantly gaslit and manipulated me but I’ve begged and pleaded for consistency for our son and also for me so I can get some downtime to replenish my cup, as much as it fills me with guilt I care for our son 99% of the time.

The work is elective but somehow I’m wrong in his view…

Am I? Wrong for asking for consistency and help?

Footnote he helped for 2 weeks post c section around the house but I did every night feed, every daytime feed and I did everything when he returned to work after PAT leave.

I feel like I’m begging for the bare minimum 💔

How can I stop being angry?

I’m a SAHM and I’m also WFH but don’t get time to get work done around toddler.

Long story short: husband is never home during the week and always doing other shit on weekends (HIS hobbies). We are neglected often. It’s always me and the kids. Been voicing to him for AGES I need a fucking break because my mental health is fucked. 2 weeks ago I decided to tell him that from now on, he will have our son 1 day every weekend and I’ll go do whatever I want. He agreed.

Today was the first day that was meant to happen. I made plans to go to the gym, then go and work from a cafe.

Last minute he ends up going to work (doesn’t usually work Saturdays but boss “begged” him) he said yes. Ok fine, but then I expect him to finish 11am, come home and take over for the day. He calls me and tells me he’s off to do his fucking hobbies while our son takes his day nap and he will take him after. And then later he’s gonna go out and do his hobbies again so I’ll get a few hours kid free but that’s it. It was meant to be the whole damn day.

I’m fucking angry. He ruined my day and my mental health is in the fucking drain.

He’s done fuck all to make up for it. Matter of fact he’s ignored my messages but I’m glad he did cos it was me being angry and I don’t need his petty reactions back.

But I’m so angry it’s ruined my fucking day. He’s taking our son for a few hours this afternoon (wow how crazy) but how am I supposed to enjoy my kid free time now when I’m angry as all fuck?

How can I let go of the anger? How can I turn the day around? Am I overreacting? What can be done to resolve this issue? I fucking hate him right now.

I'm so conflicted

I've been with my husband for 7 years. We have been married since December of 2024. We had a child together in December of 2023. I started working when my daughter was 3 months old. I am no longer working because daycare was too expensive among other things. My husband pays all the bills. He funds everything. I have no money to fall back on. My husband is a narcissist and I am about to the point where I just can't take it anymore and I'm done waiting for him to change. If I were to break it off with him tomorrow, the only place I would have to go is my mom and dads. I wouldn't even have my own room, or my own bed. Me and my mom would have to share a bed. I would lose my cat's that we have had for several years. And he is the father of my child so I obviously love him for that. He is not a very involved father but he does pay for food diapers etc. he works really hard to take care of us. But I just can't do the gaslighting and the narcissistic behavior anymore. I have recently started going to a faith based celebrate recovery and I am slowly learning about Christianity and faith. And I have had some unexplainable things happen to me. I had a dream that God spoke to me and told me that me and my husband are meant to be and that He was keeping us together. That's why I'm so conflicted. The only job experience I really have is fast food and that's basically it. With that, even working full time, I would not be able to afford daycare and save money to move out into a place of my own. Living at my parents is less than ideal. I want to do everything I can to keep my family together but if he can't change his narcissistic behavior I am no longer going to stand for it. I have let the fear and codependency keep me in this relationship for too long. I don't have any college degree or anything. I am so lost. I don't even know how to prepare to leave him because if I try to get a job again, that will probably cause problems between us. Plus I keep thinking about that dream I had. Why does God want to keep us together? I have been emotionally abused by my parents and now my husband? Why? Should I leave the relationship or should I try to talk to him about his behavior and try to work on things with him? I haven't exactly called him out for being a narcissist but I'm ready to. I'm ready to call him out for everything. But I'm afraid that will result in him breaking it off with me and kicking me out. Then I'll be stuck at my parents and no job, no money. I do have a car that he can't take from me because it belongs to me and my dad. So I could get a job when I leave, but I would have to be able to afford daycare and save up money to get my own place. And I just don't see that happening working at fast food. I want to go to school and get a degree in sonography. I just haven't been able to because I've been raising my daughter, who also has special needs so that complicates things. I would have to pay for daycare because I don't have anyone that is willing or can watch my daughter while I work a full time job. I just want out or I want him to change. And right now it seems like he isn't going to. But why is God keeping us together? I'm so lost. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you in advance

Sanity check

How are we all coping?

Anyone else finding some days too much? My partner works full time but also has a business that he's trying to get off the ground. It means I barely see him and when I do, one of the kids isn't settled. I feel like I don't get a break. At the start, he was super helpful with house chores and checking if I needed anything because I had a caesarean. After about two weeks that went and I'm finding the days where the baby won't go down extremely hard. We have a toddler as well that does go to nursery, but I'm still finding I can't get much done during the day because little one just wants to be held. I know this is just a phase, but I'm barely feeling like a person. I'm now on my second infection as well and feeling overall rubbish.

Why is it that the mums needs are at the bottom all the time. Some days id love to just say I'm heading out for a few hours and not need to set up an entire schedule for it.

Anyone feels their husbands could do more to help?

I know as moms or wives , we’re the default for most things but sometimes it seems my husband barely lift any weight when it comes on to things around the house.

Most times when things get broken , he says he doesn’t have time to look at it or doesn’t have time to call someone, when we have an issue in our house, he doesn’t have time to look into it - and when I do purchase the solutions I have to ask a million times for him to implement it. Why is this so? What can I do to make things better ? I must be communicating wrong because I don’t feel like he moves to do much and prefers to relax on his phone or watch tv.

I notice this pattern in his home too, his mom and sister handled everything , his dad didn’t even know when something was broken or needed fixing