in

England

Baby dad threatening court….

Me and my children’s dad split at the end of April after 4 years together. We have two young children.

Since separating, contact has been extremely inconsistent. Initially he saw them at my house, but after name-calling, arguments and a history of emotional/domestic abuse and controlling behaviour, I told him he couldn’t come into my home anymore.

Since then, there have only been a handful of occasions where he has actually taken the children out and parented independently. He’s been late collecting them, returned them early and changed arrangements. He had his own home shortly after we split but never took the children there — contact has mainly been at his mum’s or friends’ houses.

He got a new girlfriend very soon after we split and, after around 12 weeks, gave up his own flat and moved into her house. He’s now making a bedroom for the children there and suddenly asking/demanding regular overnights and significantly more contact despite the previous inconsistency.

There are also concerns about his parenting. During the whole 3 years my eldest has been alive, he has essentially never dealt with nappies/poo because he’s openly said he hates doing it. I’ve come home before and found that a child hasn’t been properly cleaned, and I have messages about this.

There is also a history of controlling/threatening behaviour. Since separating, he has threatened to use photos of my house being messy against me. Those photos were from a period when I was struggling with postnatal depression and wasn’t receiving support from him. I also have messages where I’ve asked for financial help with things for the children and he’s refused, including saying he’d rather spend his money on drugs/other things.

My eldest is 3, suspected autistic and has just started nursery. I’m his main carer and neither child has ever stayed overnight away from me, so going from inconsistent contact to suddenly wanting regular overnights feels like a huge change.

I’m also concerned about the people and environment the children would be around during longer contact. His dad has previously driven with us while under the influence of drugs without me knowing at the time. I’ve also witnessed/heard behaviour from him towards my children that I found extremely concerning, including encouraging my 2-year-old to repeat a racial slur.

He has made repeatedly racist comments and has also said on multiple occasions that if either of the children were ever gay, he would disown them.

These aren’t things I’m comfortable ignoring when considering who my children are around, particularly for overnight contact.

More recently, their dad has started sending me very legal-looking messages about contact despite there currently being no court order or solicitors involved. He also turned up for contact with a high-back booster seat with no harness for my 3-year-old, which really concerned me.

I have messages/documentation relating to a lot of the above, so I’m not just going off memory.

I’m genuinely looking for experiences from mums who have been through something similar — particularly where a dad was inconsistent after separation and then suddenly wanted significantly more time/overnights, or where there was a history of domestic abuse/control and concerns about the wider family environment.

if CAFCASS/court/mediation became involved, how were things like inconsistent contact, parenting ability, domestic abuse and concerns about who the children were around taken into account?

I’d really appreciate genuine experiences rather than judgement. ❤️