Why am I still in love with him and want to try again?

I, 29F have been with my kids father(40M) on and off for over 9 years. We're going to call him D. D has always been a good man throughout our relationship and an amazing father to our two children which are both boys aged between 10 and 8. We always went out or spent amazing time together as a couple and as a family up until recently. He has become super mean always yelling or copping an attitude when it's totally unnecessary. He picks fights over stupid stuff and would yell at the children for things that they didn't need to be yelled at for. Well, skipping to this year. He yelled at me so much to where I have a fear of him living with me. He's thrown things around the house breaking stuff and destroying anything within arms reach. All of it is because he felt he was losing control. He said it was my attitude telling him what to do or me complaining about how much I do and none of what he did. I work full time as what the kids call a midnight ballerina. I also do all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, getting the kids to and from school, as well as care for his needs and paying all the bills. He hasn't been working at all. Just been hanging out with his friends claiming he was working. I got tired of him not doing anything. I really mean nothing. I was taking Uber to and from work while D had a vehicle. I ended up kicking him out. He's been out of the house for a little over a month now. He told me he never agreed to leave before leaving. What I'm getting at here is, why do I miss him so much when he called me names when I tried to get him to get a job? Why do I miss him when I would watch him go nuts throwing stuff around the house and foam at the mouth when he yelled at me? Why do I miss him even though he screamed at me in front of our children? Am I in the wrong for demanding him to get a job? Am I in the wrong for kicking him out? I came here because I want someone else's opinion that I don't know. Can someone please help me understand what I'm feeling and point me on the right path?

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Trauma. Find healing

You had me at the fact he was a 30 year old man dating a 20 year old 😬 My best advice and I use this on everyone, what would you tell your best friend if they were you? I can guarentee you'd be less willing to see the positive side of it, and you'd give advice you probably wouldnt want to follow but should. A trauma bond like this, is a kind of addiction. You've got the highs and lows that trigger all the dopamine cortisol and oxytocin that your body misses it, even when you know its bad for you. Write a list of all the harmful parts of that relationship that you can look at when you start missing it. Treat it like an addiction, and lean on trusted people if you have any. If you dont, feel free to send me a message and I am more than willing to "f that man" whenever you need. But no, hes not worth going back too. Please dont go back x

We are comfortable with the known - irrespective of how wrong it is for us.

It's called trauma-bonding, I believe.

When he was super, as you said, what was the difference? Was he working then? Was there less complaints from him? What happened before the sudden flip? Did a huge circumstance change? Were there signs from the beginning that you saw but ignored and now the mask is off? Was he diagnosed recently? Etc?

All these things will help you better have closure and seek the help you need.

It's normal to feel you miss him because obviously there were good times. That's what makes you human. But if it has gotten to the point of you fearing for you safety and that of the kids, prioritise that.

You'll be fine eventually 🤗

Trauma bond

I’m in a similar situation with my ex. I just had our daughter two months ago and I’ve had a restraining order against him for three months. Plus I moved across the country to get away from him.

But in spite of the hell he put me through pre-pregnancy and during the pregnancy, I miss him like hell and have wanted to call him and tell him about our daughter and a 1000 other things.

And I want to say it is okay to miss him, to miss the life you had, the life you wanted/dreamed of. You are allowed to mourn the loss of the relationship/future you thought you had. And I find it important to allow yourself to feel all the feelings because you don’t want to shove them down. It all comes out eventually.

What I’ve done to help myself is I go to therapy, I journal when things hit, I allow myself to cry/get angry, I walk a lot outside, and I also started to write what I’d love to say to him (good and bad - I curse him out a lot in my notes 😂) but I just word vomit, basically.

in our community

6 year old says he hates me

I was putting my son to bed after a nice day together, and he just came out with it. 10 minutes prior he said ‘ I love you mummy’ then he said ‘I hate you but you’re part of my family’ 🫠 His little sister gets a lot of my attention and my patience isn’t where it used to be, but this has just really thrown me!!! He’s a daddies boy and maybe our connection has slipped a little because of our daughter. Any advice?

Annoyed with nursery

Please hear me out as I am fully understanding of policies. My son has been going to nursery since June and after a long period settling in now really enjoys it. On Monday I sent him in and mentioned he had 2 teeth breaking through (1 being a molar) causing him a dribble rash. Within 15mins of leaving and still driving I get a call and eventually a few hours later was asked to pick him up. Nursery were adamant it was HFM (despite no other symptoms) and he was not allowed back for 3 days. Checked by a dr who has confirmed it is not HFM. He has not been in nursery all of this week, the longest he’s not been. I’ve had to take unpaid leave from my work and my husband a days holiday to allow me to work a few hours. We still have to pay over £160 this month including the missed days. I wouldn’t be annoyed if this was the 1st time. However last month we sent him in fine, 15mins later had a call to pick him up as he was ‘poorly’. He wasn’t. last month we paid over £140 including a missed day. It’s not even like they’re giving it a few hours, I’m being rung within minutes having sent my child in perfectly well. I wouldn’t if he wasn’t well and would be more understanding if he had been in for say 3+ hours. I can’t afford to keep having unpaid days off work or to be paying nursery fees when he isn’t in and it defeats the whole point of why we’ve opted for childcare if I can’t work

I don't know what I expected but it wasn't this

I stay at home with our daughter while my husband works. He's a wonderful husband and a good dad. He helps with the baby when he gets home, cooks dinner on a regular basis, and makes sure we have what we need.

Here's the issue: We are EBF right now because our baby will not take a bottle. I'm constantly feeding her, which is to be expected, but I feel so alone. Tonight she was so congested she couldn't latch (I had to go get the aspirator and use that) and my husband was just laying there, half awake, while she screamed. I know he's doing what he can most of the time. It's just exhausting because I pack the diaper bag, I wash the cloth diapers and pads, I know the difference in her cries, I'm the one teaching her baby sign language, I get her dressed when we're going somewhere, and I'm the one who basically gets thrown under the bus when people have negative things to say about our choices as parents (such as not making her wear socks all the time because she kicks them off anyway). I have a thousand questions running through my mind at any given moment in the day and in comparison it feels like he gets to just rest easy knowing I have things under control.

I am EXHAUSTED. I am touched out. I would really like to take a nap and not have to worry that my child is going to roll off of my chest into a potentially life threatening position because she wakes up every time I put her in her bassinet.

She is everything we hoped for and more. I just need a break and I doubt I'll get a real one until about 3-4 months from now. To those who breastfeed and work, I don't know how you do it.

Being cheated on for like the 8 million time

Why is it so easy for him to cheat? Why does he do it? What do I do that is so difficult for him to love me and our almost 3 month old daughter? All I know is I need to break the cycle I’m done! I rather be a single mom and struggle than deal with this all over! My self esteem is gone! Self respect in myself gone I continues forgive and forgive and forgive just to be cheated on again I just want a good man that is loyal 🙄😟😞done

Parking

Can someone tell me if I’m in the wrong as I’m feeling really guilty! I have just been shopping, was parked in a child and parent space and as we came out of the shop my little man decided he was hungry, so instead of waiting the 30 mins to drive home, I sat in the back and fed him, when I got out, another mum started shouting at me that I was ‘inconsiderate’ as other people needed a space. Admittedly all the other parent and child spaces were taken. Am I in the wrong?

Random

Bit random, but i really want to go for a walk, i just cannot be arsed to fight to get my little one dressed, would anyone judge if he went out in his pj's 😂 they look like pj's btw