My partners dad passed - every year my partner is short/snappy on that day aita

Have you personally lost one of your parents?
It's one day a year, let him grieve however he needs to.

Who are we to judge the emotions, feelings, complex hurt he must feel on that day

The good, the bad. That can cause a mixture of emotions, he might have resentment and loss all wrapped into one

If you don’t like how he is, remove yourself and the kids for the day and give him time!

I lost my mum, any major event not even just her birthday - I’m feeling a complex range of emotions.

12 years ago, I lost my grandparents 5 days apart, either side of Valentine’s Day . It was traumatising, their funerals were traumatising. Valentine’s Day is ruined for me, even when I’ve spent it with people doing nice things.

My other grandparent on a different side of the family died when I was 19, but I’ve dealt with it a lot differently. I feel comfortable talking about her, I drive past her grave everyday, I say hi to her, I tell her I miss her and what’s happening in my life atm.

But my first grandparents? I can’t talk about them without feeling sick, I haven’t grieved properly. I probably need some sort of grief counselling. It’s not just because they’ve died, it’s the way it happened, the way my family dealt with it, the fact that I was a child and my memories of them are confusing. I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable with it.

I haven’t lost a parent, but even if your relationship with them is rocky and they might be an awful person, you’re still their baby.

He was also able to attend the funeral which I was not on my side. At the end of the post I asked what I should do so you’re obviously not the person to help on this post

He’s probably dealing with a load of mixed emotions. Just because his dad wasn’t very nice doesn’t mean him passing doesn’t bring up difficult stuff for your partner. I guess if it were me I’d just anticipate the day going as it usually does, let him know I’m there if he needs me and do something nice with the kids so they don’t have to bear the brunt of your partner’s grief. No one is perfect and everyone grieves differently, and may continue to years later

I would either suggest he leaves for the day so he doesn't take it out on you or you leave for the day with the kids so you can give him space.
Everyone deals with grief so differently, you should know that if you have lost close ones as well.
It's not his fault his dad died in winter and it's cold. Maybe suggest he starts a little fund so you have money to take the kids somewhere indoors but out of the house. Maybe a night away so he has plenty of space.
His telling you to get over your loved ones dying is not ok, you need to tell him that. Sounds like he needs some counselling. And tbh you too, be Sue how he is treating you and the different experiences you had could build resentment between you.

I get emotional every year when it's my dad's anniversary. Its been 8 years. It doesnt matter if there were bad times with a parent. It's still his dad. It's one day a year, if you need to leave yhe house on that day then honestly you just have to get over it. Youre tired of leaving the house one day a year, is honestly a silly thing to say in my opinion.

I lost my dad be two years ago in a few weeks ,anyway we all grieve in different ways I to had a very horrible father on dads birthday and the anniversary of his passing it is hard and emotional for us all
Is this only one day a year or all the time...
If it's only 1 or 2 days a year just go out with your kids let him grieve
But if it's all the time he needs help healing because the pain the memories never leave you and talking helps
When you lose someone who is horrible im very honest about my feelings where dad Is concerned and though it's been 2 years it never leaves you
Dad died from cancer So my hate for him eased ,watching him die was just.. .
You never wanna go through that
However because I was never loved or cared for
It was hard for me I was uncomfortable and numb because what do you do...when the man who treated you like shit all your life is dieing from cancer
But I did the right thing I helped mum every step of the way during this time,I helped him when he asked I huged him when he asked ,I

Did things when he asked, but all this was hard on each anniversary it is mixed emotions, mum doesn't let it show ,but my sisters are different and I stay away during this time coz it can set them off ,im a mother now my son doesn't need that, just try and find away to I dont know cope with the day

I’d say he’s ofc entitled to grieve but he shouldn’t be taking it out on you or the kids.

Might be worth asking him what he wants to do on the day, if he wants to be alone or distracted cause you’ve noticed he’s a bit more short tempered, and if he wants to be alone that’s fine - also protects your peace.

His feelings aren’t your responsibility and he needs to figure that out, you’ll be there as support but you can’t make him happy x

So his dad passed away on his birthday?….I would never put a limit on grief I know it all too well. But I feel like he needs to talk to someone there has to be more to his death that he’s not saying. Idk maybe it’s because I grieve differently I’d never take it out on my family but if I needed the space I would say I did and just keep myself busy. Like I can understand you being frustrated even it’s just one day a year I wouldn’t take what I’m dealing with out on the kids and if I did my husband would for sure say something and i would do the same to him.

He needs therapy. He also can be the one to go out to do whatever he needs to do for himself that day.

Wow. Some of these comments done pissed me off 🤣

SHE SAID SHE LEAVES EVERY DAMN YEAR to support his grief.
SHE SAID SHE WAS SICK THIS YEAR and didn’t wanna leave cuz she hasn’t eaten in 48 hours.
SHE SAID WHEN HER FRIEND AND AUNT PASSED AWAY he told her to get over it and never gave her time or a safe space to grieve.

I think you’re doing your best and I think you should ask EVERY YEAR how he’s feeling and what he needs for that day. Do y’all’s best to prepare for it by talking about it ahead of time. Tell his ass TO GO TO DAMN THERAPY cuz he needs to deal with the grief and learn more about it (i.e it comes in waves). Period.

Lastly I would just suggest you make sure you’re preparing to keep your cup filled on that day(around this time) as well since we know it takes over the whole house.

This is so tough and YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID so forget these comments talkin about you being selfish cuz OBVIOUSLY they didn’t read your whole post. You’ve accommodated EVERY SINGLE YEAR

So I think you’re doing great and I think people need to realize GRIEF OR NOT you still have responsibilities in life. You taking over the full load every year around this and not being appreciated for it is insane.

There’s always something new to learn in life and learning more about Grief could be helpful if you both did that too!

Hope this helps Mama ! HUGS ✨🫂

It's possible you're giving him too much space when he needs compassion and understanding. It's his dad. Everybody has unprocessed trauma with their parents whether they were good or bad, and it often becomes harder to process after they die. So on this day he's challenged as his mind is trying to force him to process things he finds too difficult. Sure, he's an adult. But our relationship with our parents is as their child until we go through a relationship transformation that's not possible in the world of the living if the parent is dead. (It is possible through therapy if he's willing to address his dad as though he were still here... but it's a lot of shadow work)

I'm not saying you're wrong to give him space. There's no way I can know for sure what he needs or if that should even take priority over what you and the kids need.